sorry in advance as feel that i need to rant.
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|Sun, 07-06-2014 - 4:41pm|
so sorry but i have so much resentment and anger inside that i feel like exploding.
IT seems like i have reached the end of the line with my husband and i really feel that i cannot stand the sight of him. I feel like i am married to a 5 year old child and i am scared about the person that i have become.
We have been married for eight years, my second marriage and his third. From the start there were problems that i chose to ignore, his secrecy lies etc but the worst is his inability to talk. honestly he comes home every night gets his dinner handed to him and then he sits staring a the television . At bedtime the only thing that gets turned on is the tv, which is on until we fall asleep. If i ask if we could even eat our meal without tv he goes in a huff and doesnt talk so it is pointless.
I have basically given up and just keep myself to myself, however i feel so alone. i have needed to be seen at the hospital recently and he didnt even ask me how i got on. My doctor phoned my house and he didnt even ask what she wanted. He shows no interest in anything in my life, my work or anything. All i see is the side of his face as he sits glued to the tv day and night 24/7.
He is so materialisitc and has numerous expensive hobbies which he takes so much care over, polishing them etc. I hate to say this but recently one broke and i was glad ! how horrible is that ! I have even felt like smashing them up but i dont. The anger is inside, i feel unwanted neglected i feel invisible.
I know that marriage can be difficult and that compared to some people this is not a big deal but i just dont know if i can live my life like this.
I am in my fifties but have health problems, i fear getting worse as i will be stuck here in this silent marriage. This is so horrible but sometimes i fantasise about him dying and then i feel like i am such a bad person. i despise him and dont feel like i love him anymore.
The house drives me crazy as like a child he wont do anything and i have to ask and then he goes in a mood. He is so pathetic. I dont fancy him physicaly either, i just dont know what to do. i have been for counselling myself but he refused to go. there just doesnt seem to be anyway out of this.
I just dont know if i could start again and get another mortgage. Do i just count my blessings that i have a house and an ok lifestyle financially?
i have children and grand children of my own who are a great comfort i just miss the intimacy of having someone who gives a damn.
best wishes to you all