Tired of being the only adult

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Registered: 12-31-2006
Tired of being the only adult
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 10:43am

I am venting for the most part because I am still angry and hurt, and really can't fix this myself, but if you have any good ideas, PLMK.

Yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back, so understand not everything was horrible. More that it was indicative of a long pattern that DH cannot seem break free of and I have little patience for it anymore.

DH likes to get the kids outside to play at least once a day on the weekends. They get out and play at school so the week is covered. I have no issue with that. They love the outdoors and they like playing in what is left of the snow. Great idea. No problem.

He decides we will go snowshoeing. Again, great idea. The kids just got their first pairs of snowshoes so they love having a chance to learn to use them. Note that I said LEARN to use them. They are ages 4 and 5. They are just learning to use them.

He tells me we are going to go down the hill (just below the house), around "the path", and back up the hill. A red flag went up but I was thinking, I must have misunderstood; he couldn't be that crazy so I kept quiet. In hindsight of course, I should have asked what "path" he was referring to.

In any case, we start down to the path I am thinking of. It is a warm, sunny day and it is beautiful, but the snow is thick and slushy. The kids keep tripping and falling. It was a bit challenging for me and I have been snowshowing for the last 15 years, so I assumed we would stop soon. I want the kids to enjoy snowshoeing so it should mostly playful, maybe teach a few tips and tricks, but mostly playful, especially at their ages. 

We get to the bottom of that first hill and DH keeps going. I'm confused. Wait. Where are we going? He doesn't hear me calling him because he is berating DS for falling and not paying attention (he's getting tired). So we start down the next hill and DD (the 4 yo) can barely handle it. The hill is steep, the snow is slippery, and she keeps stepping on her own shoes. 

I finally get his attention at the bottom of this 2nd hill and I tell him we need to turn around. The kids are exhausted. This isn't fun for them anymore (DD is saying to me, mama I'm tired; I can't do anymore). They say nothing because they don't like to disappoint him, but they can tell a storm is brewing between us. DH says he wants to go on and continue the "hike" we are on (this is the first time he calls our outdoor fun a "hike"). Mind you, I know the path he talking about and the last half is almost all uphill and difficult to do in the summer, let alone in the winter with slushy snow. It is also just shy of a half mile long. No way Jose. We are not doing that hill with the kids as tired as they are. Nope, that reason did not work for him. He says, How do you know the kids can't do it? How do you know if you won't let them try? I said, what happens when you get to the steep part of the hill? Are you going to carry them? Are you going to make them finish even if they are crying? How does this scenario play out in your head? Complete disconnect with reality. He thinks they will be hunky dory. Happy. 

If I could have ripped his eyes out right then and there I would have. He was hell bent on doing this hike and be damned how the rest of us felt. So of course, now that he is having his tantrum and not getting his way, I have to be the bad guy. I have to be the adult and say, enough. I gather the kids up and we retraced our steps. They are holding my hands and doing their best to not fall. Neither one of them is protesting our return nor are they insisting that they can finish daddy's hike. We stop every time the hill levels out so that they can catch their breath, take a drink of water, and rest. DH is behind us being pissy the whole way. I was livid.

We get home, have dinner, put the kids to bed, and get some odd chores done here and there and we finally talk...because if we had done it any sooner, I would have taken the kids and walked out. I am so not kidding. He has done this before though nothing so blatantly not in the best interests of the kids. We just had a discussion last week about him being so self-centered and not properly planning his goals. He just assumes because it works for him and it makes sense to him, it will be ok for everyone else, if he considers us at all...and I am not wholly convinced of that.

We go round and round, and there is excuse after excuse, but the upshot is it is everyone else's fault but his: I didn't ask more questions about his plan...The snow was fine; it is like the snow we have always snowshowed in (ummm...no)...The kids didn't tell him they were tired. They never said that they wanted to turn around. 

OMG I thought I was going to effing lose it when he thought a 4 and 5 yo should take responsibility for telling daddy this wasn't a good idea.

Not to mention that I am 6 mos pregnant and I was sick almost all day yesterday. I was still a bit queasy and unstable. Truly, if I had really thought he meant to do that arduous 1 mile hike when he first brought up the plan, I would have nixed it right off and saved ourselves the trouble. I kick myself for not heeding that red flag. I won't be doing that again.

I just don't get it. He seemed like a super-responsible guy before we got married. I never saw this side of him that is this childish. He made what seemed like simplistic, but good decisions for himself while single. What is complicated about being a bachelor, right? 

Now I can see he has a serious disconnect with changing his goals. He sees it as an admission of failure to change course in anyway. It is an admission that he didn't think it all through and he'd rather bash his head against the wall before admitting that. He is not good with re-assessment. Once I stepped out into that snow and noticed how slippery and slushy it was, I thought we can't do much in this. He neither noticed nor allowed the new data to alter his thinking in any way. He has previously shown an incredible lack of taking changing variables into consideration. He won't believe anything I say. He has to actually experience the failure, has to see it happen IRL or it is merely speculation on my part. I don't have a problem with that necessarily as long as he is only talking about taking himself down. If the rest of us are driving towards the cliff's edge a la Thelma and Louise, I'm putting the breaks on that. He can go it alone from there.

But then I am the bad guy. I am the PITA messing everything up. Eventually, I can get him to see the missteps he made or at least the points in a process where he should have asked himself some additional questions, but it takes hours and hours of wrangling to get him there (yesterday it was 6hrs; we were up past midnight). The only way I could get him to see reason was to ask him to invite his mom over and see if she could complete that hike, and if she thought the kids could it (she is in great shape, but I damn well she wouldn't've been ok with her babies making that trek). Then, and ONLY then, did the fog start to lift. He neither wants her to see that he has been a jackass nor does he want her to confirm what I am saying, and while she loves him to death, she would not lie for him, and he knows it.

Just so exhausting. I guess it is time for counseling, but I just needed to vent. Thanks! My apologies for the rambling...

Yvonne :-)