Too broken to fix? Desperate please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2014
Too broken to fix? Desperate please help
4
Sun, 05-11-2014 - 2:06am

I want to start off by saying I'm new to this whole message board thing


I am 26 and have been married to my husband who is 33, for two years and we have a one year old daughter and he has two children 11 & 12 from a previous marriage. We got custody of the two children 5 months after we got married when I was 4 months preg with our child and they moved back out of state to thier moms this past December

. I dove straight into step/mommyhood without a clue in the world. I have poured my heart and Soul into my new family and marriage and have been a stay at home mom. I agree that we may have jumped into getting married too quickly, after only 3 months of dateing, but back then I think I was blinded by love and missed a few red signs.

Ialways told myself growing up that I would never be in an "unhealthy" relationship because my mom shared enough with me about her first marriage to an alcoholic, I saw the pain in her face every time it was brought up. She met my dad and found out what true love was and I have always looked up to my parents because now a days broken homes are more common. I look back now thinking how could I be so blind? After I got pregnant my husband started drinking heavly every day. Things progressively got more and more violent first with throwing things and lots of name calling to full blown fist fights and choke outs after I h had my daughter. I don't blame him entirely I know I should have walked away and when filled with emotion I did not. His favorite thing to do when I do even the littlest things wrong is to yell and curse and call me names and threaten to knock me out. I stayed because I was scared for the children and who would take care of them if I wasn't there and the older two I could not take with me if I did leave and I couldn't leave them in that situation so I stayed with him and always accepted his apologies he would give when he sobered up. I will give him credit for having the same job since we got together, but when he wasn't working he was either drinking,yelling, pukeing or sleeping so for over a year I felt like the sole care giver two 2 kids and a newborn which has a blood disorder and required blood rptransfusions every 2 weeks for the fist 6 months in and out of the nicu because she didn't weigh 8 pounds til she was dang near 3 months and still to this day at 16 months she wears 6-9 month cloths and is only twenty pound because of the EXTREAMLY rare genitic blood disorder that I gave her. No new mothers has it easy but along with a sick child that in has to rush to the hospital many times leaving my husband with the kids and he was drinking while I was not sleeping stairing at my little 5 pound baby wondering if she would be okay all alone. The drinking and the agressuion continued almost every day until my husbands mother died from a complication of surgery suddenly and just when I thought things couldn't get worse they did. The kids moved back to their moms and for an while my husband stopped drinking and we had a great reaoltionship or at least I thought until I fought him snorting method behind my back while I sit at home wondering where he is and just as I am just now trying tom deal with the drugs and trying to protect my child and I can't go back to my parents BC I swrewed up so much as a teen our relationship is a work in progress. Last week I found out my husband ha been having  and affair for an while while doing the dope while I sat at home wondering when he will come home or if he's dead nor arrested BC he doesn't like to answer my calls. I am so hurt and completely broken with this final straw I feel so broken and I just don't know what to do about anything. I've heard horror stories about shelters and I have a small child and it is well known if I try to leave he will find me... Because I posted on fb on a comment that I caughim cheating and when he saw it he changed the email address and password to my account so I can never log on but it is then only place I have pics of my babies and its all gone now. My mom wanted to come take our 1 year old daughter for a trip to grandmas and I had asked my husband a few weeks before and he said yes but when it came down to it BC i posted that he cheated he told me that if my parents try to come to the door for any reason without his permission he will taze with his tazer them until the battery died and he wouldn't give  a damn. Then he asked me if I knew what a physiopath was and then said he could do anything with out guilt. I'm scared to leave that he will hurt me or my daughter while on something if or after I leave and then I'm scared if I stay he will still hurt us. I don't know what to do and I'm so broken inside I'm in "robot" mode taking care of my kid..... I have no where to go if I leave and I'm scared of staying plz give me advice  feel like I'm back where my mom was at the same age.i


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-11-2014 - 10:24pm

Yes it is too broken to fix.  When your DH is at work, please call a domestic violence hotline for help.  You need a plan to get out of the house.  Since your mom is talking to you enough to want to take her GC for a visit, you should tell her as well--I'm sure she would rather take both of you in temporarily than have you stay w/ a man who is a violent drug addict/alcoholic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2014
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 12:51am

I have told my parents and filled them in and they are willing to come help me get my stuff while dh is at work but they would like to see me find and women's shelter someplace I don't know anyone and that scares me too. I'm working up the strength to call the hotline to maybe get some ideas. Thank you so much for the reply

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 12:49pm

When I as 22 with a 4 year old and 1 year old I left my abusive, alcoholic, drug using husband (DH).  

He was asleep, and left him a note saying I went to the store to get milk.  I grabbed the diaper bag and the clean laundry that happen to be in the basket.  

It is possible to leave.  

I had already called the shelter, etc.  In all fairness, I did have a full-time job and my boss was very understanding to the situation.  

Take your parents up on their help and call the crises line in your area and find out what your options are.  No, the shelter isn't a vacation by any means, but remember it just a means to an end.  

Now, only you know how violent he really is.  My DH never touched the kids and he didn't come to my work or anything like that.  But some do, so you will have to get some help to discern the level of concern you should have.  

I hope he gets the help he needs for his sake and his childrens sake, but right now you need to get out.

And as far as your marriage, it is not for me to say what you should do, but my experience has been that a man like your DH may be able to recover, but the chances are slim it will be while he is with you.  Even if he found recovery from alcohol and drugs and never hit you again, you would probably never fully heal while with him.  

Good luck and make that phone call.  Hugs...

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 9:03am
Please remember, do not post your business on facebook. He will most likely see it and will be able to figure out where you are. Keep yourself safe.