What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
What should I do?
9
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 5:26am

hi everyone!

i feel like I'm in the pits, and in need of help.

My husband of 7 years recently told me he found out he has a 16 year-old daughter from a previous relationship.  I was quite upset and in the midst of being upset, old suppressed feelings surfaced, and now facing the question if a divorce is the best choice for us.  You can consider the revelation of the unknown daughter was the straw that broke me.

i know we have a sexless marriage.  after our first daughter was born, my libido plummeted.  Then it briefly surfaced, and we had our second daughter.  My libido then plummeted again.  During this time, I masturbated in private a lot, but didn't feel desire to have sex with my husband.  When I did want to have sex, he didn't.  Over the years, the situation worsened, and now, I feel I have to make a decision what I should do to change my life.  I know it is my fault for a sexless marriage.  But I feel we do not connect in that way.  I don't find him physically attractive anymore,   His personality is a turn off to me.  And thus, I do not feel physically attracted to him.  At times, I find myself saying in my head, 'I hate him.  I hate the person I have become now after being with him.'  But then I look at my girls, and I am afraid divorcing him will hurt them.  We live under the same roof, but do not have any passion for each other.  We are civil and talk nice to each other most the time.  But there is no spark.  i have made an appointment to see a counselor, but he tells me it'll be useless and I have my hopes up too high.   I find myself to be a happier person away from him, rather than with him. 

So, should I move forward and separate?  i am just so unsure what I should do......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 8:32am
I feel like you've answered your own question: you're happier without him. He has no desire to seek counseling. One thing I don't understand is why you'd be angry with him when he finds out he has a 16 yr old from a previous relationship. He didn't know and it was LONG before you married. If YOU'RE angry, imagine how HE feels about it! He missed out on 16 yrs of his child's life! Of course your daughters may be upset about a divorce, but how do you think you current situation affects them? They KNOW that you aren't happy. They deserve to have a HAPPY Mom. Sadly, a lot of people who grew up in similar situations will gravitate toward a bad relationship themselves. You can not stay the way things are. You have to either decide to fix it, or decide to end it. You owe that to yourself, your husband, and your daughters.

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 9:09am
I feel like you've answered your own question: you're happier without him. He has no desire to seek counseling. One thing I don't understand is why you'd be angry with him when he finds out he has a 16 yr old from a previous relationship. He didn't know and it was LONG before you married. If YOU'RE angry, imagine how HE feels about it! He missed out on 16 yrs of his child's life! Of course your daughters may be upset about a divorce, but how do you think you current situation affects them? They KNOW that you aren't happy. They deserve to have a HAPPY Mom. Sadly, a lot of people who grew up in similar situations will gravitate toward a bad relationship themselves. You can not stay the way things are. You have to either decide to fix it, or decide to end it. You owe that to yourself, your husband, and your daughters.

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 9:20am

Since you maturbated, your libido was not low. You did not want to have sex with your husband because of the poor relationship with him. Anger issues were probably the main culprit. I'm assuming he hasn't treated you how you wanted to be treated. I would say you could attend counseling with him if he agrees, but since you said it was the last straw, then it's probably that you're plain done. Children do not thrive in home where both parents are miserable. Sure, they'll be upset over the divorce, but life is not a fairytale and life is tough. People are survivors. Eventually, they will enjoy living in a happier environment when you and their father start living more fulfilling lives. Here is an excerpt from an article on children of divorce that may ease your fears:

Divorce affects most children in the short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year. Only a minority of kids suffer longer.

Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania State University, examined the possible effects on children several years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On average, the studies found only very small differences on all these measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce well.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 1:03pm

Go see the T on your own and hopefully you find clarity there.  Have the two of you talked out loud about separating?  He may be thinking the same thing and you are both ignoring the elephant in the room.

I don't think the DD16 has anything to do with anything.  It just brought other feelings to the surface, that's all.  A solid marriage could probably withstand such huge news.  

See the T and go from there.  Good luck, I know it is hard.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 2:13pm

When your DH says that seeing a counselor will be useless, does he mean to save the marriage?  That might be true, but you should still go anyway so that you can explore your feelings and make a good decision.  I think that as far as the kids go, having parents who are civil to each other but don't really love each other or show affection is not that good for them--if you divorce but are still nice to each other and both spend time with the kids, it would be the same.  You are bad role models right now for what love and marriage should be and by staying together in a loveless marriage, it might make them have bad relationships also--better for either one of their parents to find someone else that they love and give them a role model of a good, loving relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 08-28-2014 - 2:06am

Thanks all for your help!  I've been mulling over this a lot.  I do owe it to my daughters that I need to do whatever it takes be a Happy mom.  Somehow it is a hard thing for me to take that leap.  I am scared.  Really scared.  But I know I have answered my own question.  Being with him makes me unhappy.  Just not sure if I'm ready to be a single mom at age 37.  I just never imagined myself I'd be a single mom at this age.  Guess I'm afraid to venture into that next chapter in my life.  sigh.......

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-28-2014 - 5:31pm

We all know it is hard, but ask yourself this:  Does the idea of being alone feel better than being in an unhappy marriage?  When I left my first DH, I had hardley any furniture, no money, but I the load off of my shoulders was huge!  I was in my own place, and didn't even care that I had nothing but beds and dressers.  I was that unhappy in my marriage.  

Garage sale furniture, bedroom lamps in the living room, $1.99 K-mart plastic end tables.  It is all I  needed and it was the best thing I ever did for me or my kids.

Stick around and let us know how it goes.  

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Tue, 09-09-2014 - 10:17pm

I think you need counseling and you need try to re-creats the lost spark. Marriage takes work specially with little children . I don't think your husband just finding out about a daughter should even be factored into your decision( unless the daughter was concieved while he was married to you ).

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 09-16-2014 - 12:36pm

Look you NEED to get a DIVORCE. What's with this seperation stuff? Doesn't that mean you would STILL be legally married to him and yet you keep saying that you don't love him..you're unhappy,,,you don't find him physically attractive YET you're afraid to leave because you feel it would hurt the KIDS?!! LOOK you are NOT married to your children...you're married to this person that YOU are NOT happy with...Your kids will ALWAYS be there when you get the divorce...You will be a much happier person after doing this.Yes..you will feel sad that your kids will feel sad BUT who wants to spend their life being in a marriage that they're not happy with?!! Time is too short. Please just get a divorce and SKIP the separation thing because that doesn't make any sense..WHY stay married???