When is Enough, Enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2014
When is Enough, Enough?
2
Fri, 03-14-2014 - 5:40pm

I believe that each married couple will encounter disagreements and arguements in their lifetime of being married. For the most part, it makes couples work together and decide what would be best for the family. We had a little one of our own whom was three months old. However, I have been married since 2010 and have noticed drastic changes from the day me and my hubby got married. Before we tied the knot, we have discussed different issues which we both have encountered in our past. We both have children from previous relationships but we both never been married. I was sure that I would stick by my husband through thick and thin. He wanted to be closer to his daughter but I too had the biggest decision to make as well. I left my two children with their father since he was stable and already had been married for a year. I was never on good talking terms with my childrens father. He loved his children dearly but always wanted to control everything concerning my daughter and son. As for my husband, he randomly called his daughter and tried to leave things up to his daughters grandparents. Meaning he never wanted to be involved in raising his daughter but made sure he would send her money every month to help with anything she needed for school. 

Once we moved closer to his family, things definitely changed within 6 months of being married. I didn't have no family near by to help me while adjusting to a different way of life which I was not used to. We also discovered that we were expecting a daughter that same year. During this time, me and my husband were struggling while we had one vehicle to get to work. During this time, he met up with somebuddies and started doing pills. He had shared with me his encounter with taking pills in the past which almost cost him his life and the lost of his four month old to SIDS? Which I never questioned but doubted. 

When things started going down hill, everything started going hay wire. He started selling pills in front of our apartment building of where we lived. Bills weren't getting paid and he always hid notices from me so I wouldn't find out. I've also got accused from my landlord of what he had been doing on the premises. Without my knowledge I really didn't know what was going on. I had two babies I took care of while their daddy was suppose to be at work. I was blessed that the landlord trusted me and I have told her everything that I was aware of. She gave me time to find a place for me and my children before she gave an eviction notice. Once I gave her the okay, an eviction notice was given to my husband and his mother to be gone in 30 days. I was already out of the apartment, but I also asked my husband if he wanted to change his life, he was welcome to come along with me. He decided to go along with me!

So, today I am here because the same problem still exists. I understand that drug addicts need help but when one refuses they have a problem there is no way I can change their mind. I have been living and raising my children around his bad habits and feel that this is enough already. I have found myself getting help from other members of my family to make it by while he was out blowing his money on foolishness. Pretty much acting as if he is single. I've tried countlessly to try and help him but it was never successful. Everytime when I want to talk about what is going on, I get ignored and told to go and find out how to feed my children and get a job to support my kids because he don't  make enough money. When I try to leave, I get the cries of him telling me that he loves me and needs me or he is going to kill himself. So I end up staying only to become miserable. I can have no friends but he is allowed to talk to whom ever he wants to talk to  which I have no say. What is even worse is I had to stop going to school to pursue my education in business because of his lame excuseslike telling me the car isn't working. Tried doing online courses and still get ridiculed for cheating on the internet. He broke my labtop and refused to pay my internet services so I can complete my courses.

I just don't get it! I know that he is cheating on me but why tell me you love me and then run away? Why didn't he let me leave a month ago when I was planning to move on with my life with my/our children? These are questions I ask myself everyday. Four years and still no good results on his part. As for me, I am huring inside because I have no clue what I should do. I feel that I should stick by his side, but no one deserves to be treated like this and I definitely cannot take it no more!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:46pm

Hi,

I feel your pain and struggles.  I think you have the wisdom and strength to fight this.  After all, you're a mother & you are no longer #1, the relationship is not #1 either.  Your/his children are.  But it's difficult to put anyone needs first when you're hurting so much. 

People learn to be attracted to what they think they deserve.  And it does not mean that you grew up poorly raised (it could or could not mean that....I don't judge & you're good the way you are), but feelings stack up based on things that happened from when you were born until now that accumlate to your self esteem. 

I think your self esteem is low, but lots of people have struggles with that.  We are human!

You are not alone. And neither should your kids feel alone.  I wish your kids would continue to feel loved deeply by you (if not the father).  When you look at your kids, I know that you love them a lot.  Look at their cute faces and innocent eyes.

I am not a laywer, and I cannot tell you financially and legally what to do.  But I can tell you how to feel.  God blessed you with beautiful children and that makes you special. 

You ARE special and a good person before and after the kids.  You're reaching out of help here, and you want to better your life (and kid's life). 

Don't pay for anything that is your ex's obligation.  Pay for your kids and yourself only!  This is a time when you need to care for yourself emotionally a lot!  Forgive yourself!  The past is the  past.  You have control of your present and future.  The past won't come back, because time does not travel backwards.  Don't feel rushed to get your business degree.  Time has its way of working itself out & you'll be back in school soon.

HAVE FAITH!  Whatever it is inside of you that glows with hope, keep that going!  Your kids need that from you.  Believe in yourself to find a solution to settle this ex husband/bf thing, so you get child support. 

but...TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF.  If the kids are in school, go for walks.  Be your own best friend.  And say to yourself that you'll be okay and that you are strong!  Tell yourself that you're not a bad person. Tell yourself that things will be okay.  Feel that you're lovable, so you can love your kids. If you want to buy yourself something little that will cheer you up, go for it!  If it doesn't kill your budget and you can pay the bills, you're worth making yourself worthy.  Get that ice cream cone or fashion ring (those things are cheap). 

Smile more in public.  Friends don't come immediately, and if you try too hard, you'll attract the needy friends or the ones who will take advantage of you.  You deserve support and sympathy. 

I don't know you, in person, but I am providing your my words of support and sympathy. 

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:46pm

Hi,

I feel your pain and struggles.  I think you have the wisdom and strength to fight this.  After all, you're a mother & you are no longer #1, the relationship is not #1 either.  Your/his children are.  But it's difficult to put anyone needs first when you're hurting so much. 

People learn to be attracted to what they think they deserve.  And it does not mean that you grew up poorly raised (it could or could not mean that....I don't judge & you're good the way you are), but feelings stack up based on things that happened from when you were born until now that accumlate to your self esteem. 

I think your self esteem is low, but lots of people have struggles with that.  We are human!

You are not alone. And neither should your kids feel alone.  I wish your kids would continue to feel loved deeply by you (if not the father).  When you look at your kids, I know that you love them a lot.  Look at their cute faces and innocent eyes.

I am not a laywer, and I cannot tell you financially and legally what to do.  But I can tell you how to feel.  God blessed you with beautiful children and that makes you special. 

You ARE special and a good person before and after the kids.  You're reaching out of help here, and you want to better your life (and kid's life). 

Don't pay for anything that is your ex's obligation.  Pay for your kids and yourself only!  This is a time when you need to care for yourself emotionally a lot!  Forgive yourself!  The past is the  past.  You have control of your present and future.  The past won't come back, because time does not travel backwards.  Don't feel rushed to get your business degree.  Time has its way of working itself out & you'll be back in school soon.

HAVE FAITH!  Whatever it is inside of you that glows with hope, keep that going!  Your kids need that from you.  Believe in yourself to find a solution to settle this ex husband/bf thing, so you get child support. 

but...TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF.  If the kids are in school, go for walks.  Be your own best friend.  And say to yourself that you'll be okay and that you are strong!  Tell yourself that you're not a bad person. Tell yourself that things will be okay.  Feel that you're lovable, so you can love your kids. If you want to buy yourself something little that will cheer you up, go for it!  If it doesn't kill your budget and you can pay the bills, you're worth making yourself worthy.  Get that ice cream cone or fashion ring (those things are cheap). 

Smile more in public.  Friends don't come immediately, and if you try too hard, you'll attract the needy friends or the ones who will take advantage of you.  You deserve support and sympathy. 

I don't know you, in person, but I am providing your my words of support and sympathy. 

HUGS