When is Enough, Enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2014
When is Enough, Enough?
5
Fri, 03-14-2014 - 5:40pm

I believe that each married couple will encounter disagreements and arguements in their lifetime of being married. For the most part, it makes couples work together and decide what would be best for the family. We had a little one of our own whom was three months old. However, I have been married since 2010 and have noticed drastic changes from the day me and my hubby got married. Before we tied the knot, we have discussed different issues which we both have encountered in our past. We both have children from previous relationships but we both never been married. I was sure that I would stick by my husband through thick and thin. He wanted to be closer to his daughter but I too had the biggest decision to make as well. I left my two children with their father since he was stable and already had been married for a year. I was never on good talking terms with my childrens father. He loved his children dearly but always wanted to control everything concerning my daughter and son. As for my husband, he randomly called his daughter and tried to leave things up to his daughters grandparents. Meaning he never wanted to be involved in raising his daughter but made sure he would send her money every month to help with anything she needed for school. 

Once we moved closer to his family, things definitely changed within 6 months of being married. I didn't have no family near by to help me while adjusting to a different way of life which I was not used to. We also discovered that we were expecting a daughter that same year. During this time, me and my husband were struggling while we had one vehicle to get to work. During this time, he met up with somebuddies and started doing pills. He had shared with me his encounter with taking pills in the past which almost cost him his life and the lost of his four month old to SIDS? Which I never questioned but doubted. 

When things started going down hill, everything started going hay wire. He started selling pills in front of our apartment building of where we lived. Bills weren't getting paid and he always hid notices from me so I wouldn't find out. I've also got accused from my landlord of what he had been doing on the premises. Without my knowledge I really didn't know what was going on. I had two babies I took care of while their daddy was suppose to be at work. I was blessed that the landlord trusted me and I have told her everything that I was aware of. She gave me time to find a place for me and my children before she gave an eviction notice. Once I gave her the okay, an eviction notice was given to my husband and his mother to be gone in 30 days. I was already out of the apartment, but I also asked my husband if he wanted to change his life, he was welcome to come along with me. He decided to go along with me!

So, today I am here because the same problem still exists. I understand that drug addicts need help but when one refuses they have a problem there is no way I can change their mind. I have been living and raising my children around his bad habits and feel that this is enough already. I have found myself getting help from other members of my family to make it by while he was out blowing his money on foolishness. Pretty much acting as if he is single. I've tried countlessly to try and help him but it was never successful. Everytime when I want to talk about what is going on, I get ignored and told to go and find out how to feed my children and get a job to support my kids because he don't  make enough money. When I try to leave, I get the cries of him telling me that he loves me and needs me or he is going to kill himself. So I end up staying only to become miserable. I can have no friends but he is allowed to talk to whom ever he wants to talk to  which I have no say. What is even worse is I had to stop going to school to pursue my education in business because of his lame excuseslike telling me the car isn't working. Tried doing online courses and still get ridiculed for cheating on the internet. He broke my labtop and refused to pay my internet services so I can complete my courses.

I just don't get it! I know that he is cheating on me but why tell me you love me and then run away? Why didn't he let me leave a month ago when I was planning to move on with my life with my/our children? These are questions I ask myself everyday. Four years and still no good results on his part. As for me, I am huring inside because I have no clue what I should do. I feel that I should stick by his side, but no one deserves to be treated like this and I definitely cannot take it no more!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-14-2014 - 11:41pm

In hindsight it seems like a bad idea for you to just suggest that he should come with you--why not just stay in the old apartment then?  You should have made him prove that he was off the drugs before he was allowed to come with you, cause now you just have the same problem but in a different apt.  I think that 4 yrs of being married to a guy who is a drug addict, isn't supporting you, will not let you improve yourself and wants to control you is too much--if you don't want to get divorced, at least you should find a better place for the children and not let him be around the kids while he is still using.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 2:36pm

Here is my short answer.

You cannot live with this man.  Whether you not you are ready for divorce is up to you.  His behavoior is typical of an addict and some may even say abuser.  Sabatoging your schooling is a perfect example of one form of abuse.

I have been divorced from two addicts and I can tell you this:  If you two are meant to be together, then one day years from now if he is clean and sober, you two can get back together and remarry.  Until then, I would suggest you leave and get D.  

I don't mean to make light of divorce, I say that because although laws vary state to state, only separating from my drug addict DH was not enough to protect me financially and I ended up with my wages being garnsished and a lein on my house.   

I also fought the idea of divorce, so I had to give myself a break and say "if I am wrong, then one day we can marry again."  

Hang in there and good luck with everything.  You need to protect those babies.  Hugs...

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 8:04pm
He is an addict; he isn't who you married anymore. When he tells you that he needs you or he's going to kill himself, what he's telling you is that he needs you to keep enabling his lifestyle. It's up to you as to whether or not you want to put up with that, but I personally wouldn't. He sounds controlling and abusive and you need to get away from him. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2014
Wed, 03-19-2014 - 3:31pm

I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. I too married an addict and just brushed it aside for a very long time untill he cheated on me as well and my life along with our child began spinning out of control. I highly suggest you seek help from a drug and alcohol counselor who helps treat the family members dealing with it as well. This gave me 80% of my confidence to walk away from a horrible situation. You have to realize that he wouldn't let you leave before because he would then be losing the control he has over you. This is a vicous cycle and it took my husband hitting absolute rock bottom (in jail) before any changes were made. And you dont want your children to be apart of the rock bottom. Addictions are extremely difficult to deal with and it affects entire families. I too had no family around and it was very hard. I had to come to the realization that I had absolutey no control over him and his addiction but only myself and our childs well being. He will beg and cry when you walk away but every time you take him back you are creating a cycle. He will not change untill HE wants to and only for himself. I do hope you seek help because it is an outlet and it will help you get a grasp on everything. I suggest getting out of the toxic environment before it gets worse, and it will. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2014
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 7:39am

Thank you for your insight. What you have shared with me is exactly what I have been worried about. Divorce is definitely in the process. It is nice to get some feedback from others whom have been through a similar relationship as mine. When trying to seek advice from family members whom know of the situation, it was not useful at all. My children are used in this and I feel that they don't have to be around all that has been happening. I believe, as a parent, we mold our children by what we allow them to see and do. Our actions speak louder then words in which our children will think it's okay when it is not.