:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
:(
5
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:02am

I have been married to my husband for a year, but we have been together for 6 years. He is a good man and we have a great marriage. He has 5 children, SD20, SS20 (twins), SD19, SD12 and SS9. I have one child, BS10. He is a great stepdad to my son as his bio dad lives in TX and is not very much involved.

For the past few months, I have been wanting us to have a child of our own. I am 29, and he is in his early 40s. I see that we are in two different stages of life at this point. He has had a vasectomy and at one point discussed reversing it but we didn't touch on the subject again. As I approach 30, I am sad at the thought of only having one child. I know he doesn't want any more children, and who would when they already have five, lol.

The only child we have in the house is my BS10 and my two younger skids every other weekend. I have tried talking to him about it but he is firm with his decision.

I feel like I need to get over this. I don't want this to weigh down an otherwise great marriage. I have become really depressed over this. SD19 just had a baby and while I am so happy for them, I am so sad that I will never experience this with my husband. Divorce is not an option so I was hoping someone can advise how to move forward?

 

Thanks :smileyhappy:

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
In reply to: giana222
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 12:55pm

aw, I'm sorry that is a tough one! I'm a little confused,  DH did discuss a reversal? So why not start with that and see what happens?

The only reason I say that is, my hubby & I have been trying to have a baby for the last 9 mos....even though we are in our 40's? we have gotten pg. twice, but I had a missed miscarriage both times. So, there is no guarantee, even after he gets his reversal that it will be easy for you guys to get pg.?  So, I would start with 1st things 1st...

Then if/when you do get pg., carry to term? then discuss from that point about the possibility of another one? it seems you already have a little grandchild, so your baby will, at least, have another little one around.

best wishes....at this point, I will just be happy, to carry one to term, if God is willing to bless us!!

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: giana222
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 12:57pm

If I am understanding correctly, your DH did not do a bait and switch on you.  Although the idea of a reversal was casually mentioned, he never comitted to it and never said he wanted more kids before you married.  Is that correct?

If that is true, and you want to stay M to him, then yes...you will need to find acceptance that the two of you will not be having children together. 

How to find that acceptance is the hard part.  Think of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

 

You can't change this situation with your DH.  Unless his vastectomy fails, it isn't going to happen. 

Is this sadness about not having more children, period.  Or having not having a child with your DH?  I believe there is a difference.  For arguments sake, lets say you did leave your DH in hopes of having more children with someone else.  There is still no guarantee it would ever happen.  Would you be okay if you were single with one child, or would you still want more? 

These are just questions to ask yourself, maybe to dig deeper into what is really going on inside of you. There are other ways to bring children into your life besides a biological child with your DH, KWIM?

Before my second M, my then DH (we are divorced) made it clear he wanted a child.  I already had 2.  I was young, like you, and we married at 28 and at 31 I had my third child.  Don't get me wrong, I love my DD12 and can't imagine life without her, but I have to be honest and tell you that with an 11 and 14 year gap, it is not a bed of roses, either.  It did not bring us closer together, and we were separated by the time she was 2-1/2.   Had I stayed single for longer, I would not have chosen on my own to have more kids.  It was only because my DH made it clear BEFORE we married he wanted one.  Left to my own devices, I would be an empty nester right now. 

I know it must be hard, if you have friends that are still having babies.  But there are other ways to enjoy children.  Love on that new grandbaby.  Love on your friends babies.  Maybe find some kind of volunteer work, or maybe even look into being a foster parent. 

If none of the above interests you, then I think you really need to look at what your internal fear is here.  I know it may not feel like fear, but it always boils down to that.  Now, if the above does interest you, then I think there are some things you can do. 

Well, enough out of me!  I hope something was helpful in the midst of my babble.  :smileyhappy:

 

 

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
In reply to: giana222
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:13pm

Thank you ladies for your responses!

The discussion of a reversal was only one time and it was years ago. It was never brought up again by either one of us.

About a year ago we brought a home, and I got a promotion at work, and I felt like everything was perfect. That now if at all would have been the perfect time to try for a child. But when I approached the topic he claimed that he loved our life the way it is and he doesn't want anymore children.

I want to have a child with him because I love him. He's a great dad and stepdad and I just felt it would be right. Too bad he doesn't feel the same.

I get it though, he's already done the newborn thing, the toddler thing, and I know he just wants to enjoy life. I know he is waiting for our youngest three to get a little more older so we can start travelling on our own and doing more things as a couple rather than as a family. But it still hurts. I feel sort of rejected if that makes sense. I just wish I didn't think this way and we were completely on the same page.

Thanks for the Serenity Prayer. I know I am going to be saying this to myself often until I can just come to terms and accept it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010
In reply to: w0rdg1rl
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 4:26pm
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer you some (((hugs))).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
In reply to: giana222
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 4:08pm

Love is about collaboration and giving to the other person what they need.  For some of us, having children is a calling in life, a deep desire.  It sounds as if you've casually discussed having another child but have you sat your husband down and told him how much having another baby would mean to you, what you feel it would add to the family and how you'd look back on life if, at the age of 80, you never had another child?  I find that husbands want their wives to be happy and they'll go to the ends of the earth to do that.  I don't know that I sense that your husband is absolutely opposed to having another baby so much as he's content with the way life is.  Talk to him from your heart and tell him how you feel... and then work together to figure out the solution.  There are gifts to be had by all in this situation. 

Kassandra

http://www.healthyboundariesnow.blogspot.com 

Live life fully, fabulously and on fire! Kassandra Bibas http://notbuilttobebroken.blogspot.com