1st wedding anniversary (longish)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
1st wedding anniversary (longish)
11
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 12:05pm

OK, so, I have a bit of a dilemma here...my wedding anniversary is July 4th...I'm due July 7th...so, chances are, we will be visited by the stork for the anniversary.


As of now, being in a car for an extended period of time hurts my back really bad.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Pages

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 1:24pm

I felt that I got "burned out" on all my romantic gestures from my first marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 2:06pm

Well, I have been married before, and because I've gotten burned before (several times, actually), I think I'm healthy enough to not let that get in the way of giving someone else the best I can offer.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 3:05pm

Hugs sweetie.....


I have to be honest and I am guessing your reaction is hormone related.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 6:34pm
I definitely have sympathy for you being at the end of the pregnancy--I remember how that is even though it's long ago. My 1st thought is that if your anniv. is July 4, for the rest of your life you are probably going to be doing things like going to a BBQ, the beach or something like that. A lot of nice restaurants are closed for that holiday so if that is something that you really like to do, then maybe you are going to have to celebrate another day. I can't remember doing anything that special for my annivs. for the 2nd marriage--we probably went out to dinner somewhere but it wasn't a major thing and I also think we decided not to give each other anniv. presents--you know after a while of trying to pick out presents for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day, etc., you run out of ideas. That's why I think it's great that he's asking your friends for help. Some guys (and girls too) are really clueless when picking out gifts. My 2nd exH was great at picking out jewelry, but of course you can't afford that all the time. I agree w/ what Serenity said about telling them what you want. One time I showed him some clothes from a catalog that I liked and left it up to him what to get, but then I felt like he hadn't really put any thought into getting me anything, like I could have just picked out the clothes myself. As far as comparing yourself to what he did for his 1st DW, you're always going to lose if you go there. How do you even know that he did this? Was he dumb enough to tell you? Honestly, I never asked my 2nd DH anything about his 1st marriage (the DW had died) because it didn't really matter to me what they did--it didn't affect our marriage at all, so it didn't concern me where they went on vacation, what he bought her, what kind of ring she had--I just never asked & he didn't volunteer the info.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:01am

Well, it's not so much about gifts.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:04am
I don't know if I'd make any big plans for your anniv--you might be in the hospital giving birth or so uncomfortable you don't want to do anything anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 11:09am

It doesn't have to be big plans.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 11:48am
I definitely think you should tell him how you are feeling pregnancy wise--being a guy he has no clue how tiring it can be. So tell him that you aren't up for the long car ride to your friends' house. Personally I think going out to dinner is a nice way to spend an anniversary, but if you don't, then come up w/ something that you want to do but won't be too tiring for you in your condition (honestly I can't think of much else that you could do--I would say dancing is out). Best of luck to you w/ the baby. My cousin was born on July 4 and her dad was a cop & somehow he always got the confiscated fireworks for her party. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 1:16pm

Hey, Congrats on the baby!


I am a "happy with dinner" person, like Liz.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 3:15pm

Hugs to you. My first thought is you REALLY need to STOP comparing what our DH did for his XW and what he does for you now. I don't even know why you know all those details, as you really don't need to know them, for this specific reason. If DH is telling you, ask him to stop. If you're asking him, stop. Remember, you're not his XW, you're not her at all. You said you don't want him to do what he did for her, but in another post, you want him to do "something like what he did" for her. Meaning, "something special".

IMHO. It could be the hormones, the pain that is going with the driving, etc. However, you need to just tell your DH you want him to do something romantic for your anniversary. Tell him to think of something romantic that the TWO of you can do ALONE!!! The BBQ isn't it, tell him you don't want a gift, just his time alone with you.

If you're unable to tell him that, then I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down some. People act differently with different people. You need to accept this. The man you married, is obviously a very different man than with his XW. I mean, was he like this before with you? Or have you always compared how he was then, to now? If he was like this before, wITH YOU, then ask him to be that man again, for your first anniversary and hopefully before you give birth. If he never was, and you married the man he was, well, not much we can do now.

Big hugs. If you want romance, and dinner doesnt' constitute romance, I'm sorry, but you need to speak up and let him know. Help pave the way to what you want. Ranting here about how he USED to do these things for his XW won't change the fact that he's not doing them anymore.

Also, you should probably talk to him about how you feel like he's "punishing you" for her bad deeds. I had to have a talk with my DH about the same thing. once he realized what he was doing, he started changing his ways.

Good luck. Take a deep breath. And just let him know what you'd like for your first anniversary.

ETA: I wanted this to hit home, so I'm adding it on. Try try try not to compare yourself to his XW. Do not expect the things he did for her, for him to do it for you. If you truly want to compare, ask yourself, do you want him to hold you, touch you, have sex with you, kiss you the same like he did with her? Do you want him to repeat everything he did with her, for you? No. Probably not. So try not to compare. Maybe he's just no longer that romantic guy. People change. 

 




Edited 4/20/2010 3:18 pm ET by cl-inkeddogmom

 





Hosted by imgur.com

 

Pages