2nd Husband - my daughter --help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
2nd Husband - my daughter --help
5
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi

Some may have read my previous message about Controlling Husband. I am divorced and we have been married for second time 8 months now. We live in my house from previous marriage with my son, age 12 and daughter, age 22. Daughter graduated from College yesterday. Two days before, I approached my daughter and said how about a small gathering after graduation for a champagne toast with a couple of her friends and family. She asked if she could invite her father (my ex). I said I would have to check with my husband before I could say either way. Well, a couple of days go by, and nothing more was mentioned.

After graduation, my daughter came up to me and my husband and said "Dad is coming over afterwards to the gathering" My husband went bulistic and started yelling, he is not invited over. My daughter got very angry, yelled back and said, "fine, I will go and tell hime" and stormed away. Then my husband went on to yell at me how I had agreed not to have him over (which was his decision) and started yelling at me in front of my daughter's boyfriend and everyone. He said, I am leaving and not coming back until the next day, that I can find my own ride home. He could have left me, my daughter and her boyfriend stranded at the graduaton. He had MY CAR also. Well, he didn't. Then he apologized and went over to the ex and re-invited him. Who knows what they might have said.

I feel as though my daughter slung mud in my face and then I got it from my husband. I was caught in a cross fire and I took the bullets. In the beginning, I only wanted to have a gathering for my daughter, which turned out to be a yelling fest at me. I can't help but think both were very disrespectful to me and I am very angry at both of them. Am I wrong or did they both act poorly? Please advise before I do something I regret.

God Bless

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 3:34pm

Nancy, I couldn't imagine not inviting my son's father or his Dad to any important event in his life such as graduation, wedding, birth, etc. or any parties celebrating any of the above. It's simple courtesy in my book. The child doesn't have a problem with her father and she shouldn't be made to suffer for it.


Did you and current DH tell her that her father was not welcome? Or, did DH just tell you? Yes, DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 4:00pm
Hi

Thanks for your kind reply. To answer you more specifically. My daughter graduated on Sunday. I approached her Friday and said "let's have a gathering after your graduation at my house" She then went on to ask me, can we invite her dad (my ex). I said, let me check with hubby first. Nothing was ever mentioned again. I relayed this to my husband and he asked, How do I feel about this, does it make me uncomfortable, I said yes, but that it was ok. He was adament about making the decision to not invite him. My fault is, I never went back to tell her this, as I thought she would take it as no when I answered her in the first place. She knows that I don't have fond memories of her dad and he has treated me terribly in the past, so that last thing I would like to do is have him over as a guest. I am certain, if he had a party, he wouldn't invite me to his.

Bottom line is, my husband yelled at my daughter, she yelled at me, and then he turned and yelled at me, and I got it both barrels from both of them.

He even went on to say, I am leaving and not coming back till Monday. That I can find my own ride home from the graduation (my Car).

I think both acted inappropriately to me, my husband more so. Here I was only trying to throw a get together, and I get blasted by both. It was an unfortunately set of circumstances, but it could have been handled more calmly.

Evidently, my husband ultimately invited me ex over, and my ex showed. I had to serve my ex hor derves. yuck. My ex- is probably laughing his but off about the whole thing, adding salt to the wound.

I just don't think I deserved to be blasted like that. I don't think my daughter needed to put me in a situation like that. I know I was not invited to her friend's graduation party, because it made people uncomfortable having both of us there, yet I had to invite my ex over and serve him.

Thanks for you advice, perhaps I am out of line?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 4:20pm
I'm sorry, but I think you were *completely* out of line to expect your daughter to have to exclude her *father* on such an important day in her life. She *tried* to do the right thing (by asking you about it in advance), and you blew her off (it was VERY rude of you to never respond to her inquiry). What the heck is she supposed to do? It's not HER fault the two of you are divorced and can't get along!

I do agree with you that your DH is out of line though.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 4:37pm

I think you should have told her what her stepfather said and then suggested that she may try to set up something with just her and her father, you know, to make it something special for them.


You are right in that they both treated you with disrespect at the graduation. Current DH was also disrespectful to your daughter by blowing up at her the way he did. As it was an important day for her, a little more care and respect should have been shown all around.


I'm sure that it was an uncomfortable situation. But, you did what you had to do and made it through. I don't understand, though, why you think your ex would think the whole situation is funny? Is he really that immature? I mean, heck, it was his daughter's graduation party. He should have more respect for her than that!


Maybe things will be better, calmer at least, when your 12 yo graduates from high school. Maybe by then, you and exdh can be civil in the same room or separate celebrations can be planned. Sometimes it's better to keep adversaries apart. But, is there any reason there would still be hostility between you two so many years after the divorce and you've both moved on with your lives? Just something to think about there.


Maybe I'm just a strange duck in that I don't have problems with my exes. They, their wives and families are welcome in my son's life and in my home. I don't hold any problems that they and I had years ago against them as we are adults and we can act like it. I would like to think that we've grown and learned from our pasts. Even if we hadn't, I couldn't hold it against them.

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:53am
I think that you should have told your daughter that she needed to work something else out with her father, or you should have asked DH to reconsider and set parameters that would have been more comfortable for everyone.

I believe it isn't always possible to feel comfortable with exes. My DH cannot stand to be around his ex and I am uncomfortable also--mostly because she never does anything for the sake of her kids, but tries to take advantage of the situation to benefit herself. When she is around she takes over with DH's family and obviously acts like she is more family than me; being an introvert, I have a hard time asserting my place, it's just my personality. On the other hand, DH just wants to get away from her, so it ends up being terribly uncomfortable and I'd rather be anywhere but there. I guess I'm just saying not everyone can get along, especially when you are never able to work together for the sake of the kids, because one person is to self-centered to think of anyone but her(him)self.

I think the blow up may have been avoided if a decision had been made beforehand (I think your DH thought it had) and that your daughter should have been told. Doesn't excuse everyone's behavior, but some people don't handle last minute changes very well.