2nd marriage better but no communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
2nd marriage better but no communication
5
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:31pm
This marriage is better by far but not without some problems. The main issue is my husband's inability to open up to me. I feel so closed off from his true feelings. Every now and then I find out things that he's interested in and wonder why I couldn't be included as his wife. Recently I found out he's curious about going to a nudist camp but do you think he would discuss this with me? Nope. I honestly don't know if I would ever go to one but I think it would be an interesting conversation to have as a married couple and possibly consider. I think he has a mild porn addiction. We've had discussions about that and I let him know that I respect his privacy and it doesn't bother me if he chooses to look at it whether it be online, in a magazine or in a movie. The only thing I object to are these sites where your actually talking to other females about sex and sharing pictures. In my opinion that is a form of cheating especially if the other spouse is not there. I must admit our sex life has not been the greatest in the past because I had a problem with my sex drive. I've gotten off hormonal birth control to help with that and the sex drive has improved. None the less it still seems like he doesn't want me sometimes and would rather be talking to strangers on the internet. We haven't done anything as a couple in a long time unless you count going out to eat on occasion. We have a wedding to go to tomorrow so I said it will be nice to dance together and he made some snide comment about it. The first time things kind of clicked for us was on a dance floor so in my eyes it's something special to me but I guess not so much for him. Whenever I feel things aren't right between us I try to talk to him to see how we are both feeling and if there are any issues that could be resolved by getting everything out in the open. He always blames me for starting arguements when that is not my intent at all, I just want to know if there is something wrong so we can make things better and stronger. My first marriage failed miserably due to lack of communication and I don't want this one to be like that so I feel open lines of communication are extremely important. It is hard to get him to open up to me to share things with each other for better communication though. I'm lost not knowing what to do to improve on our communication without making him feel like I'm trying to instigate an arguement or shroud on his privacy. I feel like sometimes he wishes he was still single without having to open up to me at all. I get depressed because I feel so isolated in this marriage not knowing what he's thinking most of the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:59am

Please, please, please.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:00pm

Have you thought about marriage counseling? My bf was the same way. After we broke up and got back together, my one demand was that we go to counseling to figure out how the heck to communicate. Well, he went. He hates to talk, but he loves me enough to go.


Needless to say, it's been up and down, but he's more willing to talk to me. And yes, he too sees ME as starting everything, only because *i'm* the one with all the issues. Most things just roll of his back. So he never has issues. also, he would avoid conflict, so i'm the bad guy and bringing things up. I had to set him straight. That if he would just TALK to me about what is going on, *I* wouldn't be bringing them up, now would I? He'd be a part of that too.


Sorry, no real advice, only to seek marriage counseling. And maybe even individual for the both of you.

~Cher




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:01pm

Hi...I'm really sorry.

Maggie  

"Success is a journey, not a destination"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:02pm
My experience had been similar to yours. We've been going through counseling and we made quite a bit of progress. We have a very good counselor that we both like as a person. Last night was our 11th session and I brought up the question that a lot of women could probably relate to and I think I posted this question on the board before: I feel that I'm more perceptive to things that are happening in the relationships and also my feelings, so it's natural for me to bring up the issues, thus, it appears that, like you, I'm the bad guy. I told my counselor and DF in the session that I feel like I'm being shot as the messenger of bad news. I really want DF to fully realize that it is not true that I have more problems than he does just because I was the one who brought up the issues. The counselor fully agrees with me because in his relationship, he was the one who brought up issues, not his (the counselor's) wife. Now this is an anomaly for a man, but he's a counselor/psychotherapist, so he does it by training/education.

DF has made the efforts to share more and I've also made the effort to support him when he does share because I now know that it's not natural and difficult for him to share.

I guess the lessons that I learned are:

1. Don't keep score

2. Don't shoot the messenger

3. Be supportive to each other (don't blame)

Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:39am

Excellent post, and I think it goes a long way in explaining why counseling with a good counselor can be so helpful.

PAMELA