2nd for you, him, both?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
2nd for you, him, both?
12
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 2:48pm

Just out of curiosity...I was wondering what the "stats" are.


Are both you and your SO on your second (or what have you) marriage? Or

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 3:49pm

Second for both of us, after long term 20year+ marriages.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 4:12pm

Hello Red Queen - I have only been married once - but I am divorced and dating a man who has been divorced twice.

He isn't the one I will marry - I'm pretty sure of that - I think he may be my rebound relationship.

I love your attitude of: "while my first marriage was a disaster I think I learned so very much from it and that benenfits my marriage now enormously."

I'd be curious more specifically what you mean :-) For me, I guess I'd have to ultimately say the same thing. Although my first husband was/is an alcoholic, I learned a LOT about having standards of behavior, not REACTING emotionally to bad behaviour, DOING instead of threatening -- and ultimately that I should have left a lot sooner. It was a big lesson in sticking up for myself.

Here is something I read today that really hit me, from a book called "His Needs, Her Needs for Parents" - In the chapter titled, Declaration of Interdependence :::

"You won't get very far if you allow yourself to think, If she really loves me, she'll let me do this, or He'll do this for me if he cares about me. Care in marriage should be mutual care, which means that both spouses want the other to be happy and neither spouse wants the other to be unhappy. If you care about your spouse, you should never expect, or even accept, sacrifice as a solution to a problem."

"Win-lose solutions are common in marriage because most couples don't understand how to arrive at win-win solutions. Their concept of fairness is that both spouses should suffer equally. But isn't it better to find solutions in which neither spouse suffers? With a little creativity, you can achieve this goal.

My favorite part of this is: "If you care about your spouse, you should never expect, or even accept, sacrifice as a solution to a problem."

I feel very emboldened to NOT chose sacrifice as a solution ANYMORE! Not for me - and not for the person I am with :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 5:59pm

<<>>


Actually you said a lot of what I would say. Standards, doing instead of threatening, leaving sooner!


I also learned to choose my battles. Robbie (my beloved DH) had a tendancy to drop his dirty clothes on the floor beside the bed or his bathroom floor instead of the hamper 10 feet away. I used to pull my hair out

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 8:37am

Sacrifice is ok if done without expectations or resentment.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 9:11am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 11:12am

We are both giving this a try for a second time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 11:59am

I'm on my third, DH is on his second. I'd have to say I didn't learn much from my first marriage. I learned everything AFTER my second. My second is what broke my heart and made me take a look at myself. He was my soulmate and we couldn't make it work because of the people we were then. Even he said he knew he had to make changes. We've both moved on and found new spouses. I don't think they're any better/worse for us, but they're definitely different.

I'd say, I try to learn something from every r'ship in my life. Both romantic ones and not. I believe everyone in our life brings something to the table. And learning from them is the best gift they can give us, regardless of what they do to us.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 3:06pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 5:53pm

mine is definately a hodge-podge merger.


this will be my third marriage. his first marriage.


i have 5 children from 3 different fathers. he has 3 children from 2 different women.


he just recently moved in. at any given time we have from 3 - 8 children in the house. everyone is getting along great so i am very blessed.


and between the two of us that make 5 exes... LOL! all are amicable except one of mine that is a drug addict/psycho path.


living together feels like being married but i prefer to be married. he knows this and wants to get married too. but a wedding will cost money and will take planning. i just hope we don't procrastinate and that he buys me a ring, etc.


i think this

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 9:00am

I think our generation of women have changed.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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