About to be his second wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
About to be his second wife
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:28pm
My boyfriend is 40. He has been divorced for a 18 months after 6 years of being separted. His ex wife has custody of the kids (9 and 11). We have been together for a year, and two months ago got engaged and decided to move in together. We get along great, have the same goals and thoughts, except I have one issue: Since we moved in together his kids do not come visit him at our home because he doesn't invite them. He hasn't even told them where he lives or with who. I have only met the kids twice. He only sees them once a week but when he does, he goes alone to their house to pick them up and often stays there for an hour or more and in the evenings takes them home and does the same thing. His ex wife is always there and this behaviour makes me very uncomfortable, is this normal? He says I am unreasonable.

His ex wife just recently found I that I even existed (even then I was called a "friend") and his parents don't know about me either. He says he loves me and that it just isn't his manner to tell people his business. Any ideas on what is going on and how I can slowly get him give me my place? And how the fact that we are a couple and live together should be introduced when it comes to the children?

Thanks for all your help/advice/opinions/thoughts!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:22am
I would personally be leary of anyone who does not want to introduce you to his parents or let you be a part of his children's lives. My ex is the same way....I have a 4 year old girl and a 6 year old boy who have no idea where their father lives or even his phone number. The only difference is that we do know who he is living with; a 24 year old (he is 34) who he had an affair with 2 years ago which was the reason I kicked him out(after several other affairs with equally young and younger 'girls'). She wants nothing to do with the kids and won't let him see them. He has even told the kids this. She is basically supporting him because he is paying child and spousal support and can't afford to live anywhere else but with her. He was living with his sister for the first 4 months after our separation and was seeing the kids about once or twice a week and taking them overnight one night on the weekends. He knew he couldn't spounge off his sister forever so had no alternative but to move in with her. He was literally crying on my door step 2 weeks before he moved in with her(he obvioulsy knew that he was going to do this), but didn't tell me until a week later after I figured out that his new 'roommate', which he totally lied about, was this girl. The minute he moved in with her he stopped taking the kids overnight and then seeing them all together aside from about 2 hours a month(if they are lucky). He had to claim bankruptcy so he lost his van so is now driving her car and can only come and see the kids when she lets him.

We have no idea where he lives or what his phone number is. The kids are dying to talk to him but he never calls just to talk to them. When he does call, it is from work so I won't see his number on call display. His work even called here recently looking for him and I had to tell them that he hadn't lived here in a year and a half. He hasn't even given them his number. He no longer has a relationship with his parents, with whom he was extremely close when we were together. None of his friends, even the ones he works with, know where and who he is living with. He has run away from the whole world. He told me one time that he couldn't stand having his girlfriend and his kids in the same room, that he felt so guilty about the whole thing. So he has just stopped seeing his kids. When he does see them, she does not come along and he spends as little time as possible because he has to get back to her. It is really pathetic.

I know he can't be proud of the way his life has turned out. If he was he would be sharing his life and his 'love' with the whole world...with his kids, his parents, his old friends, etc. Instead he has chosen to close himself off from everyone and hide from his mistakes and how pathetic his life really is. I am not saying that this is what your bf is doing per se, but it does seem very strange that he is hiding aspects of his life from others...if he can hide you from others, what could he be hiding from you? He may be dealing with some guilt from his divorce, but if he truly wants to move on with his life he will encorporate you into it in all areas. Otherwise, how can you trust that he is being honest with you if he can't be honest about you. Just a thought.