Adult Children Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Adult Children Issues
20
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:55pm

Hello All,



I will try to make this as short as possible, but the issues are intertwined and complicated, so I can't guarantee anything.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:56pm
So what is the plan? Is she going to live there indefinitely or is your BF saying that she can live there for X months until she saves some money? I can just see this future nightmare happening where she lives there forever & your BF won't force her to move out because he's a softie (see, the dog) and you'll be miserable. Frankly in that case, I would just move back to my own place. I'm middle aged, have already been a stepmother & I wouldn't even date guys w/ young children for that reason that I don't want to do it again. So I would not be happy having an adult stepchild & grandchildren living w/ me. Even if it was my own child, of course I would take them in in an emergency but after they are grown & have kids, I don't expect them to be living w/ me. So I think you have to start by discussing what your BF's plans are & go from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:38pm

Well, I don't think *she* has a plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 4:41pm

Hi and welcome to the board.

Here's my thoughts.....Dad needs to be in the middle, because it's his kid. AND his DD is old enough to "take care of herself". Obviously though, Dad is a softie. I mean, DD has no job, has her own kids to take care of and says "okay" to a dog? Guess who'll be taking care of the dog. Probably you and your BF.

IMHO, I'd figure out what you're willing to do, and discuss it with BF.

i.e. I'd probably say, "I'll give it 3 months. If she hasn't gotten a job or hasn't eased up on my DD, I will move out. We're not breaking up, but I'm moving out". And if he puts pressure on his DD, great. If not, then you know that he is the type to allow his DD to walk all over him (for whatever reasons) and isn't willing to put his foot down. I'm not saying kick her out. I am saying place pressure on her to find a job and not BUY anything that requires MORE time (than she obviously has) and MORE money. Her job should be to find a job. I know it today's market, she may not get anything. That's when BF should tell her she needs to lower her standards a bit to get back on her feet. And if he's not willing, you could be living with DD for a very very long time.

IMHO, you moving out, but sustaining the r'ship is something that would probably SAVE the r'ship. I guess it depends on what you want to do. Stay there and hope she leaves in a year and hope you don't go crazy? Make some "rules" of your own. Move out until she's gone. You have choices. So does he. Maybe he needs to be shown some more options. Maybe he will dislike the idea of you leaving so much, he WILL put some pressure on his DD and NOT get her a dog. Maybe he won't and maybe in a year he'll be taking care of his grandkids AND a dog and his DD has no job and is living off of him.

I'm all for "standing by your man" and "supporting them through the hard times" but I also need to set my own ground rules (to sustain my sanity). So, think about what you need for yourself. Talk to him and find a compromise. 1 year won't do, but maybe 3 months is okay, IF she keeps her opinions to herself about your DD.

Hugs. Not an easy situation. Especially when I'm sure you thought his kids (at home) would never come into play.

 





Hosted by imgur.com

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:46pm

Wow Cheryl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:20pm
One thing I was thinking about is if you two plan on getting married. Sorry if you said so or not. Because what if his DD hits hard times again and has to live with you? Would moving out be worth it then? Or would it not? Maybe something to discuss a bit, because many "kids" are "rebounding back home" a lot more nowdays (myself included). It doesn't need to be an all out discussion, but just something to think about in regards to being BF/GF, versus H/W.

 





Hosted by imgur.com

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:33pm

That's a good point and one I'll have to think about for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 8:49pm
Hello Desertgem, Has she considered the increased amount of government assistance that may be available to her and the children if she applied as a single mom on her own and lived elsewhere? I am guessing that she must be nearing 30? Plenty old enough to be searching out the requirements for various assistance programs and applying. Many of the younger moms receive childcare, housing, food,and education assistance based on their household income. If this situation does not appear to be a quick fix and she is not going to get the job that pays what she feels she is worth then she might need to consider a more long term solution of pursuing what ever education and financial assistance is offered. Not sure, but it does seem the one's living on their own get more help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 8:51pm

I am a longtime lurker but had to come out of hiding when I read your post. I think you have received some wonderful advice. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. My boyfriend of 1 year has an adult daughter (26) and her baby living with him. Her situation and his response are very similar. I will not take our relationship to the next level (living together or marriage) until she is living on her own.

(((((hugs)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 8:23am

I think one of the things you mentioned is how SHE doesn't have a plan...but what about your SO? This sounds a lot like the ex we deal with (43) who is living with her parents. In my mind all that gets done in the situation is enabling. I say all the time to my SO that I can believe the ex's parents haven't had a money conversation with her (she collects a boatload of CS/alimony) about how it's expected that she contribute something to the household, yet the ex has money for things like iPhones, laptops, new cars etc...

Just by what you're saying DSD is collecting "some money" but then what she is spending that money on is crazy...however, unless your SO lays his own ground rules/expectations about what she is contributing to the household (even if he were to just "take" her contribution and save it for her and give it back to her later) and what he expects about the job search, it appears he's only going to be taken advantage of...He is doing her no favors by allowing it...

As I described in our situation the only thing that all the "help" has done for the ex is to continue to enable/entitle her to a lifestyle she truly can't afford and it has also made her completely dependent on her parents, just like she was on my SO in their marriage, she is not/will never be able to financially support herself (and in addition) is setting a pretty crappy example (IMHO) for her 4 kids. In fact, I'm fearful that DSD (13) will end up with the same type of life b/c that is the example she sees daily...Help is one thing, but unless your SO steps in to discuss how to "help" her manage some of her financial decisions, it becomes far to easy too make poor financial choices b/c the "saftey net" of living with dad is there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 8:53am

When I read Cheryl's post I was thinking the same thing.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Pages