Advice about XH and financing with BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Advice about XH and financing with BF
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 7:57am


I come from the BS Board and was looking for some advice. My XH cheated on me and we divorced. He was court ordered to take me off mortgage as he slammed his fist down on table in court demanding to stay in “His house.” He refused to sell it, stating as HE HAD TO STAY IN HIS HOUSE!!!

He never took me off mortgage and stopped paying July 2012. He is now in middle of short selling it. I now have a bad credit score b/c of XH. I sent divorce decree to Mortgage Company and credit bureaus to no avail…They said basically that they don’t care what divorce decree states.

My BF and I are looking to buy a house and we were denied financing b/c of me.  The second bank has suggested that he get financing on his own (which he can do, but we wanted to do this together). 

Question One: Do I take XH back to court for contempt? My divorce lawyer said it is a waste of time and money as judge cannot fix credit scores or order mortgage company to take my name off.  I will only get it on record that XH should have taken me off mortgage. Ya think?????????????????

BF’s lawyer said that is wrong advice and he suggests I take XH back to court.  He is offering to represent me and ask that XH pay for my fees.  I cannot stand XH and the thought of being in same room with him makes me ill.  I have emails from him in the past stating that he would go above and beyond to ruin my life. 

Question two:  Do I allow bf to buy house in his name and move in with him?  I will be paying half mortgage and want to know my rights.  I do not want to be living there and have him chuck me out in a few years with all my money down the tubes (Not that he would but when I married XH, I never thought he would be sleeping with another woman the whole time we were married).  If I marry bf, is the house now a marital asset and I am entitled to half??? Bank suggested he be on mortgage and both of us be on deed.  BF and I want to make sure we are both safe (His X screwed him also).

Because our X’s screwed us over, we are looking to do a prenup when we marry.  We agreed if it doesn’t work out he will take what he had and I do the same (He has a lot of rental property and a vacation home I want nothing to do with if we split, I have a good retirement plan, wealthy family, ect.) Any suggestions would be really great.  Thanks, Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 8:48pm

Hi Christy--


Sorry I'm not knowledgeable to give good advice.... :-( ...    

I DO know that you're sure not the only one who's been in situation with ex not taking you off then defaulting....ugh.

There is a divorce lawyer who posts here some, so hopefully she has some thoughts for you---I'm sure the main  issues all depend on your own state and it's laws.............


I just wanted to say "hi" and "welcome!" ----

By the way---what is the "BS" Board?  (I can only think of one definition---and I dont think it's right ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 8:00am

Hello Laurena!!!

Thanks for the advice.  I always loved this website and come here a lot (Although I hate this new system).

BS board is Betrayed Spouses board. 

My XH refused to leave his OW and only did so after I filed for divorce.  He fought me on the divorce, cost thousands to do so and he now calls my BF a “homewrecker” and tells everyone who will listen his woe story.  UGH he makes me sick!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 10:09am


My XH refused to leave his OW and only did so after I filed for divorce. He fought me on the divorce, cost thousands to do so and he now calls my BF a “homewrecker” and tells everyone who will listen his woe story.  UGH he makes me sick!!!!!!!!!!

Ever hear that adage, something about when you point your finger at someone else----you've got THREE fingers pointing back at yourself? ............LOL.......(above) sure proves true on THAT one.... ;-)

(((hugs))) again---so sorry for all of the mortgage/etc issues...........

RE: having BF's lawyer file those things and asking ex H to pay legal expenses..............I'm thinking the two concerns there are::

1.  This will be a long process, and how much of the effect of (what he did with former house) keep affecting your credit vs. length of time resolving all things this way?  

2.  Only *you* really know how unstable/dangerous exH *really* might become if you follow through with #1 (above).  If you've got any sort of proof of his former threats, you could include some sort of personal protection order in that whole process probably, but if someone's truly *unbalanced*----I wouldnt place a whole lot of faith in them respecting any such order, KWIM?

ON THE OTHER HAND---If he's presented with #1, (above), perhaps he would just settle out of court in order to save legal expenses, etc?  

BEST WISHES---hope you stick around, and KEEP US POSTED :-)

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 12:58pm

Hi Christy, and welcome!  Your questions are quite valid for this board.

As you know, you can't "take someone off" a mortgage.  All the person can do is refinance in their name only.  I have seen it in real life where the spouse who kept the house is truly unable to refinance.  And no, financial institutions don't care.  You both the signed the contract and divorce decrees don't carry any legal weight in these kinds of matters.  It is unfortunate that you were not warned of this when you got D.  

I don't really see where there is anything you can legally do.  Even if you could, I don't know that it would be worth it.  The short sale will finally get your name "off" a mortgage and from that point on, your credit score will slowly rise with time.  

As far as the new house with BF, I would say if it is possible, you could just make sure your name is on the title, then maybe in 3 years or so when your credit has improved, maybe refinance together?   

Oh, you know, I wonder.....if you did at least get an order that your xH was in contempt, it won't help your score, but it may help you qualify either now, or later, to buy a house or refinance with BF.  I know that when I refinanced 2008, I had to show why I had a loan modification several years prior.  Luckily I kept every thing (it was a long, drawn out mess, after my divorce) and it helped plead my case for why I deserved to be approved.  Point being, institutions do look at divorce as a reason for financial struggles.  

So, having proof that your xH was in contempt could potentially help down the road.  

Good luck with everything and I hope you stick around!  Yes, the boards have been frustrating, so even more grateful you found us over here!

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work