Advice need BAD PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Advice need BAD PLEASE
6
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:46am
been w. bf for a year, his divorce will be final in november, she was on vacatoin in another county with her boyfriend and they dont no if it was a stroke or what, they are relying on calls from her boyfriend to keep the family informed, the last 2 days he has spent with in laws and mutual friends, and has been reeming out the boyfriend saying he is doing nothing right, this is a smack in the face to me because he is acting right now as a husband which is very concerned, but im kind of like whoa & dont no how to deal with that and am very upset that i have been pushed to the back burner like this for her, am i wrong for feeling like this, ,thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:38am
No, you're not wrong. When your bf made the decision go through with the divorce, he should have started putting some emotional distance between himself and his soon to be ex. While he does have cause for some concern (afterall, they were married), it's not his place to keep tabs and orchestrate her healthcare. It sounds like there are still some strong feelings there for him to get so worked up. If she has no one to look after her well being, then I could see him stepping up to the plate, but to force himself in the forefront of this ordeal while there is a boyfriend and family members to deal with this is wrong. Don't be too hard on him. Old habits die hard. If you take care of someone for years and suddenly it's over, it takes a while to wean yourself from old habits. Like taking care of children and then one day they move out. You just can't let go cold turkey. While I wouldn't throw him back in the pond over this, I would talk to him and let him know that you appreciate his concern as a human being, but feel that he overstepped his boundaries as a soon to be ex husband and that you could draw certain conclusions from that. I wouldn't make any plans to marry this guy until you were certain that his feelings for his ex don't exist and that you come first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:57am

I agree with fedd's response.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:17am
Does he have children with his ex? This makes a huge difference.

Also, it shows that the man has compassion. I am sure that if something would happen to you that he would be equally or more concerned. Just because you are concerned for a person's health & well being, does not mean that you can or want to live with them or be in a marriage relationship with that person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:15am
yes the have 2 kids, the kids are unaware of the situation, new spin on the story, he told me not that he would but the thought crossed his mind of what if they got back together, now crushed and thinking about ending it..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:21pm

Think very hard.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:03pm
He is experiencing various emotions himself at presnt that he needs to work through. If at all possible, tell him that you are going to take a step back and give him some time to deal with his present feelings & crisis. However, if you love him please add that you are as near as a phone call if he needs you. Give this situation some time to see what comes out of this.Time will take care of many of the questions that you are presently wanting answers for. SInce this just happened, I would let the air clear...by itself.

Dandelion