Am I being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2012
Am I being unreasonable?
6
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 7:16am
My husband and I have been married for 9 months. It's my first marriage and his second. He has two children, ages 6 (girl) and 7 (boy). I have no children. We've known each other since we were kids ourselves. We lived together for a year before marrying, largely because I had to move in order for us to be together because he obviously wouldn't move away from his kids, whom he sees every other weekend and one evening each week.

I've had my share of encounters with the ex, dealt with the financial strain his large support payments cause but I'm nearly at my wits end with the amount of time my husband spends with the kids. As I said he has a typical visitation arrangement but he coaches or attends every activity they're involved in.

One week after our wedding he was moved to night shift and I work days. That was tough but manageable because we had a couple hours in the evening and every other weekend to ourselves. A few weeks after that, however, he signed up to coach his sons football team. Between our work schedules, team practices and games, attending his daughter's gymnastics practices , and regularly scheduled visitation, I see him for 15 while he's showering and dressing to go to work. This most of the time. After football ended, he started coaching his son's baseball team and he's already signed up to coach football again--that's almost a five month obligation.

I've tried to talk to him about it, but he says he just wants to be a good dad. I admire that so much about him, but I need a husband too! What's worse is I feel bad about feeling bad. I mean I'm the grown up, right? I'm I just being unreasonable?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 9:12am
No definitely not being unreasonable...I have/had a similar situation...my SO has 4 kids and I have none (and don't plan to)...he has also done a lot of what you are describing at the varying ages of his kids...at this time his oldest is 21, 19, 15, and 8. We've been together for almost 7 years, so you can see that there is a lot of time for all the coaching, attending events, in the aged that I've described...
One thing my SO acknowledges is that in his first marriage he did so much b/c he really wasn't happy in the marriage and "lived his life for/through his kids"-those are his words...he is very clear that he does love doing those things for his kids (and even for himself to some degree-b/c he is a very "community type" person which a lot of the coaching seems to lend itself to making those types of connections with others (i.e. the giving back feeling-in addition SOs father-who has been deceased for many years was that type of father so I think SO models himself that way)-does that make sense?
So how did I/he cope? And I've also dealt with the high support payments (with 4 kids and a five year alimony award) that was quite a horrible time-I think it was/is b/c SO always makes time for us at other times...and in different ways that I know I am important to him...oh I forgot to mention that SOs 2nd job is umpiring and reffing...so at times especially in the beginning he'd be out of the house till very very late at night b/c he had to be to make the $ to survive b/c that was another thing I vowed...I wasn't helping to pay any of those supports...I would do whatever it took for him personally but none of the rest of it...also even now I use some of the "downtime" when SO is doing some of the "other stuff" for myself...i.e. go out w/my friends, exercise classes, etc. that helps too...
I think to try to establish with your DH that you need a least one night just you guys would go a long way toward helping the problem...
SO has also said that he knows for our relationship to work he has to work on keeping it healthy everyday b/c he sees parts of the failures from the first time...your DH is also dealing with a failed marriage...
Has he honestly looked at some of the reasons that might be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 12:00pm

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 12:51pm

I think part of the difficulty here is that you don't have kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 3:52pm

Janie, I see his shift as

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 8:48pm

Janie, Welcome to the board!

This is a tough one.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2012
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 9:44pm

Unreasonable?