Am i crazy or what?

Avatar for parislver
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Am i crazy or what?
5
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 7:17pm
Long story short - married ex in 1996, left him four times in the next 6 yrs, with the 5th time leaving being Aug '02. I went through a miscarriage last june and at the same time, really got to where i couldn't stand my husband. Well, while he was in the bed one morning this past Aug, i got up and packed some clothes and went to my mom's. I knew this was going to be the last time i left and that our marriage was over. I had no respect for him and couldn't stand for him to touch me.

After i left, i was going out every weekend dancing, something i never did growing up. I got plenty of phone numbers, but never gave mine out. If a guy kept hounding me for it i would just end up telling him,'look, i'm 32, live at home with my parents and am going through a divorce'. That would usually get rid of them, haha. I wanted nothing to do with a man. But one night i'm out dancing with my girlfriends and i meet my soulmate.

Yes, the one person i thought i would never meet. the one that causes my heart to flutter everytime i talk to him or see him. I didn't believe in all that lovey-dovey stuff, just because it had never happened to me before. But in the back of my mind, i knew that such relationships existed, because i knew of a couple who did truly seem to still be in love years later. So here i am now, 7 months after meeting him, ready to move in and get married. I mean, leave my job and move to where he lives (Oer an hour away). I hate leaving him on the weekends and can't wait for Fridays to get here. We are like two peas in a pod. Our families love each of us and think we are great together.

We have discussed marriage and are starting to renovate his house. We each want to get our small bills paid off before we get married,but it is killing us to be apart. I guess what my post is all about is:

Has anyone ever felt like this, like you truly found your soulmate then got married and it all went to H$$L? I am so scared, but i know that my bf is a hard worker, is responsible and is my soulmate. Also, what is a soulmate? Is it for real or am i fooling my self over this. He is 39 and has been married twice. His first wife cheated on him for years and his second wife liked to start arguments when his children came over, to the point that they stopped coming over. So he is scared also about this.

I don't want to say i am confused about this, but some people say "life is short, if your happy - enjoy it". While others say "OMG, take your time and date for a few years". DATE for a few years, I CAN'T do that, it would kill me. Were you all prepared for a second marriage? I know i wasn't for my first, but at least now i kind of know what married life is like.

Am i crazy for talking marriage to someone i've only seen for 7 months now? I mean, I really believe that he is the one for me, but what if my mind is just clouded for some reason. I always worry about what people think about me, but now i think: they didn't live my life so why care about what they say or think. I am almost 33, not 18.

I don't have any unresolved feelings for my x-dh,ex as of April 1. I didn't miss him when i left. I missed the pets and my lost baby. I think i got over the loss of my marriage before i actually left, if that makes any sense. After my miscarriage i saw what he really thought of me and my eyes got opened, big time!! It's hard for me to put down in words what i'm trying to say, but i thought that if any one might understand me, it would be someone from this board. If you are still reading, thanks. I look forward to hearing anything from anyone.

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 9:30am
Well its hard sometimes I also went to a marriage like that the father of my daughter we spend 7 years together 3 of marriage 4 of dating and i felt i needed to leave him cause my life was going not where with him , he never had responsibilty for me or my daughter never could buy the diapers , never had money for rent and I had to relied on him cause i couldnt work i didnt had permission to work in the US. Then i had my status straighten and got back to my feet so to me was the perfect time to leave him and after that i stareted going out to clubs and doing what teenagers do but in my case i wasnt a teenager any more and I had a daughter to look up to. I meet my now husband in the internet last year he was marry in the process of divorce i had just broken up with a boyfriend i felt thought that this guy i meet in the internet was my soul mate, everytime we talked on the ohone my heart jump i couldnt be without talking to him, I went to meet him in my country and WOW he was my soul mate, he introduced me to his family right away although he wasnt divorce yet his family was fine with me althought they wanted him to settle his divorce before we got together i visit him 3 times before we decided for him to come to live with me, he did and we got marry last march . My daughter calls him daddy since her own dad is never around, everyone told me to take my time and all its true sometimes you need to think things over and take ur time but nobody knows more than you what u want and need so just do what ur heart is telling you to do and things should be good. no one gets to know the other fully even if you spend 30 years together ull always find something new on that person everyday so enjoy life . I wish you the best and things should be good.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 10:24am
Marie

It can happen like that!

I left my husband several years ago, and he made my life such a living h$ll that I decided it was easier to stay. Bad move. Things just got worse. So, 2 years ago I decided to do it and get it over with. It was messy - the police had to escort him out of the house after I filed, he chased my daughter and I in the car, etc. You know the story.

Well, in the midst of all the craziness, MY soulmate left a note on my car after seeing me and my daughter at a bike ride. I broke down and cried that someone would take the time to do that. He had said in the note that he didn't "approach" women when they have a child with them. What a considerate man.

It's been a year and a half since that note. He stuck with me through all the scary sitautions that followed (my ex didn't give up easily).

We are dating, and he's aware that after such a terrible marriage, I need to wait, so we aren't talking about marriage yet. My point is, I am just as in love now as I was on that first day that I read the note. So is my daughter. On the way to school this morning, she said, "he's practically my father". Children are perceptive. She knows how much he cares about her (and about me!).

The fact that your families have met and approve is a big green light in my book! Your family undoubtedly cares about you and could probably sense if something is awry. Plus, he's willing to introduce you to his - obviously nothing to hide.

If you feel all the mushy stuff that you've missed, go for it! Have a whirlwind wedding and live happily ever after. You aren't 18 and you have your head squarely on your shoulders. You've analyzed this and it looks pretty good, right? Let yourself go for once.

Best of luck.

Tammy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 10:54am
I came to the same conclusion and I had children. But I am happier and have been divorced for 3 years. I have dated for a while before I met my SO and yes he is my soulmate but not sure if we will get married or just be married in our hearts. But when were you thinking of getting married or are you going to live together for a while?

lisa j romesburg

Avatar for parislver
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 1:29pm
Thank you all so much for your responses. At least i know i'm not the only one that has felt this way. We have not set a wedding date, which is fine because we decided that when we do marry, it's just going to be a simple justice of the peace thing. I had a big wedding before and it's just not me or him. We both are the simple types.

I would love to move in with him before we get married - you know, to kind of try things out. He said that i can move in with him. This past weekend we went and picked out colors for the bathroom and bedroom. When he moved in his house he just fixed it up enough for him and his son to move in. There is no sign of a woman in there at all :-) So he told me that we can fix it up anyway that i want. Which is different for me, because i've never had anything of my own and me and my ex didn't ever have the money to do anything. So i'm very excited. His aunts claim that we will be married by Oct, so i don't think we'll get any objections from any of them when we do declare a date. And my mom said that if we wanted a small ceremony, that would be fine, that they would buy us a piece of furniture for a wedding gift instead of helping with a big wedding. So i guess our big plan is to pay off our small bills, while fixing up the house and seeing how we get along doing that, so we CAN pick a wedding date. And get ready to be grandparents. His son and d-i-law are due in Dec, about a week before christmas. So i will be a mother and grandmother all at the same time, at the age of 33. Isn't it amazing how things work out?

I am in the process of updating files and case notes at work, so that by the fall, maybe i can move. He lives about an hour from me and i look every day for jobs over his way (i work at an employment office). And he asks me just about every day if i've found something else to apply for. I don't want to just take anything though. I'm diabetic and need insurance.

Anyway, thank so much for the words. I don't feel so crazy now. It makes my heart feel good knowing that things like this really do happen to people. And i have to remember that i do deserve it!

Thanks,

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 3:44am
My husband and I knew by the third date that we were meant to be together for a lifetime. By the fourth date, he ended up in the hospital with a kidney stone. I felt strongly then that God had put that in his life to bond us together. Within a month he told me he loved me and we were talking about getting married. We married within 9 months. It has been wonderful.

We went on our first honeymoon to San Diego and two months later went on our big honeymoon to Ireland. We have travelled so much this year we are sick of suitcases.

I truly love this man and we are often saying how happy we are. Dreams really do come true. It can happen to anyone.

We just returned from a cruise for our 1st anniversary. What a wonderful man.

This is our second marriage for both. It's wonderful !!