iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2013
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 9:22am
We are NOT married but you get the idea...
16 hours ago

I dont have anywhere else to turn I dont have anyone close I can go to for advice I just need some unbiased perspective so please dont be hateful please. Im looking for advice not judgement.

Im 28 yrs old. I have been married twice yes thats right twice. The first was a result of my "puppy love" and teen pregnancy whom which I had my daughter w/ when I was 17. We were together all in total 3 1/2 yrs married for yr and half. My second lasted for 7 years whom I had 2 sons with. I have been the one to leave in both situations. My second marriage was an open marriage for the last 3 years. It is a long story, but needless to say neither one of the 2 guys were right for me. Now, I live with my current boyfriend we have been together for a year. He is the 100% complete opposite of any guy I have ever dated looks, personality, etc.He is amazing! He treats me like a princess. I have never been treated by anyone the way he treats me, I never even knew guys like him existed. The whole dynamic of our relationship has been nothing like my past 2 we dont fight (we disagree) but no screaming or volitile behavior at all. But here is the problem...


I am my own worst enemy. Because of my trust issues I don't know how to really be happy I guess? I'm convinced that he is only this good to me for an ulterior motive or that he is trying to "pull the wool over my eyes"  so to speak. He has never given me a reason to doubt him in fact he has done the opposite even putting an app on his phone so I can put my mind at ease knowing where he is. My wheels in my head turn all the time,it causes me heartache and Im constantly having anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this actually isn't about him that it's about me and my own insecurities. I can't ever seem to let it sink in that I would be good enough for him. I done this with my ex husband to (the 2nd) but the truth is he was not good enough, but this time I finally got it right and Im so going to screw this up. I don't know how to convince myself not to do this. I will make myself crazy obsessing about all the things that could be being hidden from me. I will just break down in tears b/c I feel like he is lying to me about loving me b/c there is no way he could feel the same way about me as I do about him. Am I crazy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 10:34am

Hi Brandy--

(((Hugs!))) and WELCOME :)

You're half the way there..... ;-)  !!

You've realized that this is "all about" you.....not him....................and this issue is yours to deal,(insert smiley face and thumbs up icon... ) you deal with it :)

I REALLY think you could benefit from finding a counselor and talking through these issues.....and getting some direction from them re: how to handle this and what to start working on............

I"m also sure there are many self-help books on similar issues.................OBVIOUSLY what you're feeling /got going on in your head came from something in the past (probably many things) ....which are COMPLETELY un-related to your current SO, .....however, they will most definitely cause the ruin/decline of current relationship with SO if you arent able to deal with them..........

SOOOOOO much of life is really *only* about the meaning we put onto it...........

Hopefully you'll get some good advice/direction from others here as well.............but to answer your question, "NO" you arent *crazy* , fact, you're probably in better shape than many/many......BECAUSE you are becoming AWARE of the issue...............

next step:

Dealing with the issue.

And, for *simplicity's* sake----I think your fastest/most direct/most helpful way of dealing with it would be a few sessions with a good counselor who can point you in the right direction re: books to read/things to try to help reframe how you're "seeing" things, etc. very honest with your SO that you REALIZE that this is YOUR issue, and you are working hard at resolving it.............. ;-)


keep us posted :-)

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 1:09pm


Boy howdy, I can totally relate!  I think along with time, some outside help is needed.  

I went through this with my second DH regarding my first DH.  Then again with my current SO regarding my second DH.  (I was married for the 2nd time at 28 and divorced for the second time at 36.  Also a teen mom, 2 with first DH and one with second DH.)

All I can really add is that with current SO, I just really had to talk to him a lot about these things.  He was also mindful and did his best relieve my anxiety around certain things.  But to be honest, it really took time.  The longer you are affirmed that he isn't (cheating, leaving, abusing, using, or what have you) the more comfortable you will become.  

Hey, lets face it, all we have is our experience.  We are worried that our "men picker" s*cks and why would this guy be any different?  We thought we loved the first two, correct?  We didn't marry those guys thinking we would get D, so what has really changed?

It is this kind of thinking that gets us stuck, and it simply takes time to create a new experience.  

It has taken me and SO 7 years.  Yep, 7 years.  And we are 45 and 49.  We both have significant baggage and both have stuff we are working on.  Just recently have we gotten to the place where "hey, this may acutally work."  

Well, enough out of me.  Please, please keep us posted!

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 2:27am

I'm a male, but I am having some of the same issues myself. In that I am responding too, interacting with my gf from my past, using old "training" and old "assumptions" to ?judge? her responses come from that training and those assumptions which has led to some major issues. And once the dust settles, I find out I was TOTALLY wrong in all those assumptions. As someone else said, half the battle is realizing it is coming from yourself and not your SO. The rest is just time and consciously making the decision to not let those people rule your current life.