Am I just being jealous???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2010
Am I just being jealous???
21
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 9:47am

Ok, I've posted messages before....my BF and I have been dating for a few months and it's going very well...we aren't talking moving in together or marriage serious but it's serious in a good way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 10:31am
Oh.............((hugs)((hugs))((hugs))))).....

first of all, re:

Am I just being JEALOUS or is there a genuine reason to be upset?

You have a reason to be upset.

I'm glad you mentioned it FEELING like dating a married man----because, that 's what I was going to point out----but....LOL...((((((((more hugs!!)))) ---you're there already.

YES....you thought you were signed up for a relationship with a divorced man.......and now it's looking differently.

I THINK YOUR BEST OPTION RIGHT NOW IS TO TALK WITH HIM SOME ABOUT YOUR "FEELING HOODWINKED" (dont use those words, but that's the feeling to get across to him) FEELINGS RIGHT NOW BEFORE THEY FESTER AND BECOME A HUGER DEAL TO YOU......

Changing plans with you in order to sit by (wife's ) side at wake/funeral/FIL's wedding *IS* over the top and inappropriate if he truly is "moving forward" with divorce.

RE: his connection with in-laws----IMO< the inlaws probably would prefer no divorce, for sake of grandkids, etc----so, for example, in my case , both sets of grandparents were still sort of in"denial" re: divorce moving forward until it had become a done deal--------------I'm guess thing that's the case there.

HOWEVER---that does not excuse him from standing up and saying, "I'm not going to be at your dad's wedding".....NOR from him simply attending wake as any other visitor...................

Let me tell you about my SO---his first marriage--he and exW spent two YEARS "separated" (and they had no kids), and going with each other to family holidays, because neither one wanted to tell the parents they were getting divorced............................that ONLY works if neither one wants to move forward with a new serious relationship---------------------> your BF is moving forward with you, so , IMO , he needs to be stepping up to the plate on this one.

I really think you need to have a nice, civil, discussion with him re: you are dating him as though he is divorced......................you have absolutely no intention of dating a married man......................therefore, you were expecting him to be ACTING as though he were divorced, as well...............................and these things are making you feel otheriwise.

Ask him his intention re: the future.....(very matter of factly......you simply want to know---!----if he's going to CONTINUE acting as though married, you need to know now, so you can move on. If he's going to act as though divorced, then he needs to realize going to these events on STBXW's arm (soon to be ex Wife) is NOT appropriate--------nor is "hiding" you from W.

Also---yes, you are right re: she STILL can ask for pension, etc----yes, he's right if she learns he's spending $$ on you she's going to get PO'ed---which is why divorce needs to be finalized----when is this supposed to happen?

OTHER ISSUE:
Keeping "family" house, and then "separating" it later at same time as making you more "visible" MAY very well fuel PAS (parental alienation syndrome)IF mother is so inclined------------"see, kids----your dad left US for a *new life* with Redheaddivea"........................and, gee------that sure IS what it *looks* like-----

(((((((((hugs!))))))

Anyhow----bottom line: speak up now, before it festers more.

FWIW----I 've known other women, who put up with all this similar BS, because the guy is so nice.........THEN, once he actually DOES get his *freedom* re: divorce finalized.........he isnt ready to settle down yet---------------and the woman has built up anger re: "putting up "with all of this so long, --------and the relationship ends. ugh.

Better to get it out on the table NOW, and if he's not willing to step up to the plate re: acting divorced now (tell him he's dating you as if *divorced*------he should be *acting* this way in all phase of his life, then)..........better to cut your losses now IF (I only said "if ") you're going to have to


{{{{{{{{{{more hugs!!}}}}}}}}}}}]]]]]]

Keep us updated!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 10:45am
PS:

Just reading through my response to you:

really think you need to have a nice, civil, discussion with him re: you are dating him as though he is divorced......................you have absolutely no intention of dating a married man......................therefore, you were expecting him to be ACTING as though he were divorced, as well...............................and these things are making you feel otheriwise.

Ask him his intention re: the future.....(very matter of factly......you simply want to know---!----if he's going to CONTINUE acting as though married, you need to know now, so you can move on. If he's going to act as though divorced, then he needs to realize going to these events on STBXW's arm (soon to be ex Wife) is NOT appropriate--------nor is "hiding" you from W.

IGNORE my suggestion re: asking him what he plans in the future right now. ....that's going to put him on the spot----------and put him in "Defensive" mode..-------(eg, he currently believes he MUST do these things-----or else he wouldnt be doing them).

INSTEAD----do what I suggested in first paragraph--------lay out on the table how you're feeling. (If necessary, you could matter of factly point out that attending these events on arm of Xwife is not what a divorced man would be doing)------------------------and leave it up to him to come up with the conclusion "I'm going to have to change how I do things, if my relationship with Redhead is going to work out"...............

You can always have the "how's it gonna go in the future" discussion next week-----but give him some time to more fully digest his current actions are not acceptable to you......and let him work out a plan on his own......

??thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 10:56am

I truly hope things work out for you, redheaddivamom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 11:13am
Hi McQueen---

Mine did similar things when we were first together (and they had been legally divorced over 2 years already)......

The son/homework thing---OK, so she's keeping him updated re: son's activities, and perhaps dad can talk with son some re: being responsible for homework.-----to a certain degree, you can live with that one----

But the car thing---......yeah.....as long as DH is taking her calls everytime she needs a "support person" to listen to her .......................->what incentive is there ever for her to find a NEW *support person* to listen to her?

It did finally get better here-----but it got alot worse, first. (ugh).

(((((hugs))))))))) and BEST WISHES!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 11:38am
Thank you for the support and the encouragement :) I've been told the first 5 years are the roughest :) but I'm not the first person.....and won't be the last to ride out this similar type of storm ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 11:51am
---Thank you for the support and the encouragement I've been told the first 5 years are the roughest ---

Most likely......and, it's such a fine line------on the one hand, you dont want to be ragging on him every time , ("why do you keep taking her phone calls? !! !")-------yet, on the *other* hand----why DOES he keep taking her phone calls?, LOL !!

Let me see---every other time she asks you for extra $$ you give it to her---WHY do you think she keeps asking?

Every time she wants a shoulder to cry on---yours is available? Why do you think she keeps reaching for it?

Sometimes men just dont seem to connect the dots here-----so, pointing this stuff out in a matter of fact way seems to be an important/useful thing to do-------------------but the fine line comes re: the level of emotion you're using to do so, I guess ! (and then, some guys dont seem to *hear* it until there IS some level of emotion attached to it, LOL!)

BEST WISHES! Looking forward to hearing more from you :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 1:20pm

Hey there, sorry to hear you're feeling badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2010
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 3:37pm

Thanks everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 3:53pm
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you!

".I'm still kind of in shock how MAD he got at me about it. I really didn't say anything mean, definitely didn't say a single thing I regret! "--

Apparently this is a new conversation re: this today?

Two thoughts on this:

1. One reason for the "excessive" anger is---on some level -- he knows you're right.

2. You mentioned you two had agreed to put your relationship at the top only under your kids and work----------------------DING DING DING DING----(bell going off): Alot of men BELIEVE (and truly BELIEVE) that they are placating the exWife like this is FOR THE KIDS sake----e.g, he hasnt figured out yet what's expected and not expected---what's reasonable and not reasonable----he's got exW telling him one thing, and he's believing it----------plus, he's right---when she's mad, it makes her harder to deal with---------but, what he hasnt realized yet, is that jumping through her hoops doesnt make her hold less hoops for him to jump through------hah! ---nope---------just reinforces to her that she's the hoop holder, and he;s the hoop jumper-through-er................

((((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))))---but I think this is a good thing-----from what this thread is saying----he and STBxW are really parading around to the kids as though they are still married-------when are they breaking this news to the kids?

ugh.....yeah---he should have had his sh*t together better to go out and act like he was so "together" on this...........

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{more hugs!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm sorry you're having to go through this...... ;-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 4:03pm

I'm so sorry to have to say this-- I can see how you are hurting.

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