Anyone BF ever go back

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Anyone BF ever go back
24
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:14pm
to the wife, or first wife? Just curioius?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:52pm

Honey, not in my case.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:06pm
my bf of a yr says hes so in love w me but cant let go of wife, the past they had, deep down i no its over between us, cause i no he wants 2 give it another try with her even though he says he couldnt go back., they have been separated for 3 yrs. ive finally come to realize that im doing nothing but wasting my time with a married man who still is having these feelings for another women. just curious if it happen to anyone else
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:49pm
Honey, I'm soo sorry about your experience! Many hugs to you! Good for you to know what you want and to be firm about it.

I had similar discussions with DH long before we got married. When I asked him if he'd ever go back to his ex, his answer had been very consistent: Never. He added that he shouldn't have married her in the first place, but there was constant pressure from her family to get married and he really thought that long-term relationships are all like that, stale, loveless and sexless. He dated another woman after his separation and he still had the same perspective about relationships. He changed his perspective dramatically after he met me and he said that I was the first woman that he ever wanted to start a family with. I asked him if she hadn't cheated on him, would he still be with her? He said probably. Why? He's not too sure but after his counselings, he suspect that he was like a majority of people who wouldn't do/change anything if it's not too painful. He and his x seldom fought but then they never had a good communication either, so daily life is somewhat peaceful and room-mate like.

Now, that's what he SAID, there were some of his actions that in my interpretation said otherwise. I confronted him on every one of these and he assured me everytime that I had nothing to worry about. Yes, I feel better, but do I still feel/fear that he still loved her? Heck, yeah! I want him to love only one person, ME! Do I believe that he'd leave me to go back to his ex? No. He knows that he gave up a Pinto for a Mercedes ... hehehe ;-)!

U know, I wonder if this is a common men issue, that a man craves for feeling that he's needed, by multiple people, especially women. ?? Any thoughts, anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:06pm

Honey, I won't try to tell you what to do in this situation. I've been involved with a married man and I was married at the time. Neither of us ever really planned on leaving our partners even though we did fantasize about being together. When I decided it was time for me to call it quits and get a real life, I found the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:11am
Sadly I have heard almost the exact same thing with the man I am currently with. He is just seperated recently but says that he has not had sexual ties with his wife for 3yrs. We were seeing eachother before he moved out and he would go home at night and crawl into bed with her after spending the weekend with me. This went on for about 3 weeks as we live several hours apart. Shortly thereafter he moved out, he says he does not have any "loving" feeling towards her, but I believe they talk on the phone every few days regarding bills the kids etc.. no one knows about me yet. It makes me feel insecure sometimes, and I wonder how it will feel a few months down the line. He wants me to move in with him already, I think he is a pretty solid guy he is very private but WOW do you realize how needy men are at any age!! P.S. I am 35 and he is 49.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:20am

Hi Spiff and welcome.


There are a great many men and women out there, who can not live alone.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:59am

To be honest, for myself, this is one reason I would never date anyone that was separated. I konw many of you have, and have been thru hell, and I guess for myself, I would never put myself in that situation because men like comfort...women do to, but I see mostly men finding comfort in "home" and home is with the wife, not me.


Like jadenpearl, my bf would be with his xw right now if she didn't cheat on him or was willing to go to counseling. But also, the moment she said she wasn't willing to work on the r'ship or was in love with him anymore, he just left. I'm not the first woman in his life after her, but I am his first r'ship. I know he loved her VERY much and she will probably always have a special place in his heart. I know she was his first true love and he would've climbed the highest mountain or swam the deepest oceans if she asked him to. Do I care? No. Because I know that he'd do the same for me. And I also know he wouldn't go back, because she asked for him back a few times (before I was in the picture), so he had his chance.


I have no advice for you. I know my advice would be to tell him to get divorced, get closure and then look me up if he wants, until then, I'm outta there.


BTW, the two men that dated me when they were separated. One lied and said he was divorced, the wife told me otherwise on our first date. They weren't even separated and she had a feeling he was cheating. I was the woman that he got caught with while OUT on our first date. I also got the brunt of all her anger.


The second man first failed to tell me he was even married at all. Then told me he was separated and in the middle of a divorce. He failed to tell me about his 4 year old daughter. His wife was nice enough to drop by his apt with the DD for the fun of it. Guess she wasn't happy about me either.


In the latter case, I tried to be the good girl and stick it out. Needless to say, I walked the day I realized he wasn't 100% sure about his divorce. I want a man who makes ME his entire life (or damned close to first if he's got kids). I REFUSE to play second fiddle to another woman. I don't care if it's his mom, sister, xw, w, etc.


I played 2nd fiddle to my bf's mom. I made it clear he had to choose. He chose. Obviously, he chose me. BUT, we did compromise, and I agreed it was a good compromise. So, he makes me happy, he makes her happy. But, you need to realize, in the beginning, he wasn't willing to make me happy, he didn't know how to balance me ANd his mom. Once I forced him to choose, all of a sudden, he figured out how to balance us.


Many men don't realize they can tweek things and find balance. All they see is making one person happy, themselves, by not rocking the boat. What they don't realize is that they're still upsetting ppl. =)


Hugs. After 3 years, I'd walk away. But that's me. If he was a soulmate, or perfect for me, he'd be divorced and he'd WANT a divorce and he'd WANT a life w/o his xw (as much as possible if he's got kids). That's how I see things. If he was right, it wouldn't be a fight to get his attention. Not saying it's not worth at least TRYING to fight, but I couldn't wait as long as you have. Hugs.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:18pm
In my situation, its not his love for his wife that is holding up the divorce, its the fact that he feels his kids and family will hate him and think he's a terrible person. If anyone remembers my story, my BF has been separated for 15 months now and told me in January that by Sept 1st he'd be divorced and living in the city here with me and we'd be "real" doing real couple things. Well, its August 30th and he hasn't filed. He still has a joint checking account and the house and business with her and everything. He gives her his paycheck. He lives for free in an apt above his parents store - which I have never been to becasue I am a secret. I dont have an address or phone number for him for home. This weekend I brought him to NY (where I am from)and he met my friends. One of them called me yesterday and said she just had a gut feeling that he was not being honest with me about filing for divorce. They thought he was a great guy but not being true to me. So I trust my friends and called him on the carpet about it. My friends wanted to call his wife and ask her if he is actually not living there and if they are getting divorced. Obviously I didnt do that becasue it makes me look totally insane and over the edge but I did tell him that my friends were willing to do it to find the truth. He got really upset and the real truth is that he is afraid his kids will hate him for leaving his mother for another woman. This is not the technicaln truth but his inlaws will paint it that way. He swears he is going to "do it" he just needs "more time". I'm not mad at him becasue he is such a wreck but I can't just sit around indefinitely. This is a big issue. Obviously, they haven't even talked about the divorce yet and how to deal with the kids. Maybe he'll go back or remain separated forever. Maybe he will divorce. But I no longer thing a divorce is going to make our relationship all better. if he is this afraid of his family and ex, what will a life be like with him?

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:14pm
Smart girl. Being new to this situation myself, what do all of you think is the best course of action. Ask when the divorce is happening, stick to that date and if it doesn't happen, bail out? Honestly, that would be the best bet here and the smartest. My BF has only been seperated for a month and a half, how long does it usually take for a divorce to get rolling after a seperation, if they truly are out of love and want out of the marriage? I would think that if you went as far as to move out (espically if you have kids) then after a few weeks or so, you should file for divorce, correct, why wait, what's the purpose? Move on with your life. That's probably too simplified, but it is what it is. Or is this the time to vasilate on what you want to do for sure? When I told my BF that I didn't want to move to where he currently lives he got upset. I told him there is no security in it for me. Even though I don't want to get married, morally he is still married and I said he should be divorced before we make that decesion, because it is more final. He said, "I don't love her, what can be more final, furthermore people get backtogether after divorce, so what does it matter?" I didn't know what to say to that one. It's a bummer of a situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:40pm
Good for you. Thats a crock of BS. Men use the same "its only a piece of paper" argument to avoid getting married and getting divorced. You just say "It matters because it matters to me." Don't engage in debates about the importance of a marriage license. If somethng matters to you, its important.

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