Honey, not in my case.
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
I had similar discussions with DH long before we got married. When I asked him if he'd ever go back to his ex, his answer had been very consistent: Never. He added that he shouldn't have married her in the first place, but there was constant pressure from her family to get married and he really thought that long-term relationships are all like that, stale, loveless and sexless. He dated another woman after his separation and he still had the same perspective about relationships. He changed his perspective dramatically after he met me and he said that I was the first woman that he ever wanted to start a family with. I asked him if she hadn't cheated on him, would he still be with her? He said probably. Why? He's not too sure but after his counselings, he suspect that he was like a majority of people who wouldn't do/change anything if it's not too painful. He and his x seldom fought but then they never had a good communication either, so daily life is somewhat peaceful and room-mate like.
Now, that's what he SAID, there were some of his actions that in my interpretation said otherwise. I confronted him on every one of these and he assured me everytime that I had nothing to worry about. Yes, I feel better, but do I still feel/fear that he still loved her? Heck, yeah! I want him to love only one person, ME! Do I believe that he'd leave me to go back to his ex? No. He knows that he gave up a Pinto for a Mercedes ... hehehe ;-)!
U know, I wonder if this is a common men issue, that a man craves for feeling that he's needed, by multiple people, especially women. ?? Any thoughts, anyone?
Honey, I won't try to tell you what to do in this situation. I've been involved with a married man and I was married at the time. Neither of us ever really planned on leaving our partners even though we did fantasize about being together. When I decided it was time for me to call it quits and get a real life, I found the
Hi Spiff and welcome.
There are a great many men and women out there, who can not live alone.
To be honest, for myself, this is one reason I would never date anyone that was separated. I konw many of you have, and have been thru hell, and I guess for myself, I would never put myself in that situation because men like comfort...women do to, but I see mostly men finding comfort in "home" and home is with the wife, not me.
Like jadenpearl, my bf would be with his xw right now if she didn't cheat on him or was willing to go to counseling. But also, the moment she said she wasn't willing to work on the r'ship or was in love with him anymore, he just left. I'm not the first woman in his life after her, but I am his first r'ship. I know he loved her VERY much and she will probably always have a special place in his heart. I know she was his first true love and he would've climbed the highest mountain or swam the deepest oceans if she asked him to. Do I care? No. Because I know that he'd do the same for me. And I also know he wouldn't go back, because she asked for him back a few times (before I was in the picture), so he had his chance.
I have no advice for you. I know my advice would be to tell him to get divorced, get closure and then look me up if he wants, until then, I'm outta there.
BTW, the two men that dated me when they were separated. One lied and said he was divorced, the wife told me otherwise on our first date. They weren't even separated and she had a feeling he was cheating. I was the woman that he got caught with while OUT on our first date. I also got the brunt of all her anger.
The second man first failed to tell me he was even married at all. Then told me he was separated and in the middle of a divorce. He failed to tell me about his 4 year old daughter. His wife was nice enough to drop by his apt with the DD for the fun of it. Guess she wasn't happy about me either.
In the latter case, I tried to be the good girl and stick it out. Needless to say, I walked the day I realized he wasn't 100% sure about his divorce. I want a man who makes ME his entire life (or damned close to first if he's got kids). I REFUSE to play second fiddle to another woman. I don't care if it's his mom, sister, xw, w, etc.
I played 2nd fiddle to my bf's mom. I made it clear he had to choose. He chose. Obviously, he chose me. BUT, we did compromise, and I agreed it was a good compromise. So, he makes me happy, he makes her happy. But, you need to realize, in the beginning, he wasn't willing to make me happy, he didn't know how to balance me ANd his mom. Once I forced him to choose, all of a sudden, he figured out how to balance us.
Many men don't realize they can tweek things and find balance. All they see is making one person happy, themselves, by not rocking the boat. What they don't realize is that they're still upsetting ppl. =)
Hugs. After 3 years, I'd walk away. But that's me. If he was a soulmate, or perfect for me, he'd be divorced and he'd WANT a divorce and he'd WANT a life w/o his xw (as much as possible if he's got kids). That's how I see things. If he was right, it wouldn't be a fight to get his attention. Not saying it's not worth at least TRYING to fight, but I couldn't wait as long as you have. Hugs.