BF going through Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
BF going through Divorce
4
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 8:52am
My bf and i are completed in love with each other, his divorce will be final in nov. its been a long drawn out divorce, its been 3 years since they have been separated, we have been together for 1 year, she cheated on him numerous of times, her bf now lives with her and his kids, her and i do not get a long, i try to be civil with her but she does not like me which is fine, but anyways, my bf and her are finally on friendly terms for the children, they can talk without arguing, well i had come across a email she sent him 2 days again saying she misses him and asking for another chance, and she nos she messed up, he has said nothing about this email to me, nor did he respond to her, but what should i do ya no, i want to trust him, but why wouldnt he of told me about it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:13am
How do you just run across an email? I'm sorry, but I find it a red flag. I would not expect my bf to open snail mail addressed to me (could even be considered against the law) so, I feel the same about email.

The red flag I see doesn't have anything to do with your bf's ex. It has to do with the trust between the two of you. My bf's ex did the same thing for three years, sending him love letters, anniversary cards, valentines cards, etc., etc.... How do I know? Not because I "ran across" them, but because he told me. We discussed it and he emailed her (again I have never seen his emails), and told her to stop. That any sort of conversation that wasn't directly about their daughter, would stop. She still sent things, but he never responded and eventually she did stop.

I would suggest you "confess" and make sure you tell you bf how this relationship with his ex makes you feel. Do it calmly and without explosive reactions. He should respect you and your feelings.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:31am
Pam your absolutely right, i had no right opening that email, and i no im wrong for doing that, but the fact is i saw it and not sure how i feel about it, i mean of course it bothers me, but what bothers me even more is that he hasnt told me about it, not sure if i should say something or wait it out to see if he tells me, as far as the trust thing, yes your right, that is a problem i have trusting him with his soon to be ex wife, especially since she is trying to get him back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:01am
I think it would be very wise of you to tell him. If you are afraid of what his reaction might be, then I guess maybe it would be better to know now, rather than down the road. I found during my first marriage that withholding information is just a damaging as telling out and out lies.

I mean your choice is to "wait it out" and the longer he says nothing, the more resentment you will feel, and your imagination will fill in the gaps (i don't know about yours, but my imagination is so much worse than reality). Or, you can tell him you are sorry you saw this, but you want to have an open and honest relationship (you have to really), so you can apologize, and then using "I" statements tell him how his realtionship with his ex makes you feel. After that, the air will be clear, and it will be out of your hands. Hopefully, it may be a little hard at first, but it will make for more solid footing in the long run.

I know it is hard to get 'her' out of your mind. Believe me I know. When she gave my bf the house and she vacated it, she left her nightie and flowers on the bed for him. This is after three years seperation. He was pretty pissed when he saw it, and very empathetic to me for having found it. I was helping him clean out her mess. He is going to have to go to his daughters wedding still more than a year away, and socialize with this woman without me (I am not invited). This is our current agonizing issue. I know he has to go, I know I am not invited, and I know that his ex will be there. We have talked about it, and he said he will mlake sure his daughter knows that he wants as little interaction with his ex as possible. They have not spoken for more than two years, but who knows what the woman will try. Thankfully, he will be surrounded by his family, who love me and boys very much, so they will be his lifeline.

I guess my point is, you need to tackle these "little" things now, because if you hope to remain together, you will have to find a way to tackle really big things further down the road.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:20am

Honey, I agree with Pam on this one. There's already a trust issue with you. I know curiosity is what got you to open it in the first place but