Books? re: 1001 questions to ask types..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Books? re: 1001 questions to ask types..
12
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 4:51pm

Did any of you go over those pre-marriage books with your new spouse? You know the, 1001 questions to ask before you get married types?

My boyfriend and I are talking engagement, moving in, marriage, and while we aren't the most "chatty" couple (going over every possible detail), we are more the "doing" couple - we enjoy doing things together as our bonding.

We've been dating 2 years so far, and everything I see I love about him. He has never been married. I was the one that was married before for just over 5 years. No kids. I really wanted to do it "right" this time, so I read just about every book I could get my hands on about marriage, relationships, love, etc. The idea of another book (this 1001 questions to ask before marriage) seems logical to me. And I found me a great guy.

I like to be prepared, but I know you cannot figure out every single situation and what you would do prior to marriage. Just wanted some input to see if it uncovered what you needed. I am sure we should cover some other things that don't naturally pop up in everyday conversation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 9:12am

Oh, I read RQ's respone and it screamed 'arrogance'.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:35pm

"Right....and I dont need a book to tell me that. I know that because I am an intelligent, adult woman with life experience."

I'm sorry, but this sounds a little condescending to the women who DO need a book to help start or open up conversations with their SO's. It makes it sound like you're saying people who need it aren't intelligent, adults, w/life experiences.

If I'm reading it wrong, I apologize for the assumption. We can't tell tone nor what people truly mean. However, if you do mean it to say people who need books aren't what you are, let me know.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:47pm

"This is one of those things that has a funny way of changing once the child has arrived. My xh was all for strict discipline and strict routine, until our first DD arrived. Then I found myself on another page entirely dealing with an far more permissive and laid back parent in my partner.

The things we know for sure about ourselves now often do change as we grow, and as life tosses us new situations. Good communication skills are a must in all relationships."

Maybe I should've said, not so much same page, as acceptable. i.e. if one parent feels hitting/spanking is OKAY, and the other is NOT tolerant of that, would you still have a kid? I'd hope not. Or maybe get a pet first to see if that'd be the case. Things like that should come out, y'know? And if it changes, then you deal with it. As I'm sure it can go both ways.

my 1xh said, when we got our dog, "I'm only going to be his friend and play with him, I will not punish, I will not clean up nor feed him". I was like, wow. He did clean up, but he did not train, feed, reprimand, etc. Made me happy to know I made the right choice about NOT wanting kids with that man. Can't imagine raising kids by myself if my husband is present. crazy.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:41pm

<<>>



Right....and I dont need a book to tell me that. I know that because I am an intelligent, adult woman with life experience.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 1:38pm

".e. how to raise children, discipline them, etc. For many parents, I hate to say it, but I'm sure they don't talk about this. They just assume they're on the same page, cuz they want kids. Lo and behold, after the kid comes, Wife wants XYZ, Husband wants ABC."

This is one of those things that has a funny way of changing once the child has arrived. My xh was all for strict discipline and strict routine, until our first DD arrived. Then I found myself on another page entirely dealing with an far more permissive and laid back parent in my partner.

The things we know for sure about ourselves now often do change as we grow, and as life tosses us new situations. Good communication skills are a must in all relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 1:23pm

Sienna,

I think the books are a good starting point. Like many have said. And you're right, it covers things that may not be applicable now, however, all you can do is say, "at this point, I'd do XYZ". People change, we all know that. Circumstances change, that's a given. What it helps with though, is the things you disagree on now, for future things, or not.

i.e. how to raise children, discipline them, etc. For many parents, I hate to say it, but I'm sure they don't talk about this. They just assume they're on the same page, cuz they want kids. Lo and behold, after the kid comes, Wife wants XYZ, Husband wants ABC. I think of my brother and SIL. SIL said NO WAY to daycare, my kids will be raised by family. My brother said YAY to daycare, so the kids can socialize and learn in a constructive environment. But, I'm sure they both agreed to having kids, loving them, raising them the best they can. They obviously didn't discuss much more. BTW, my nephews are in daycare because unfortunately SIL mom passed away and her SIL couldn't watch the kids anymore (the older needed the socialization and now knows how to share, but is behind a bit and the younger is ahead of the game).

My last thought is this. Yes some things change overtime, but the man you're with is today. I'd rather know his "feelings" today about an issue versus hitting it later and finding out he's 100% against my side of things. kwim?

Start with the books, they're a good place to get conversations going. At least then, you can say you guys talked about it, even if it never comes up again.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 1:16pm

"Nope and wouldnt ever even have considered it.

A book written or compiled by a person who has never met me nor walked in my shoes can not define who or what is right for me, when it might be right for me or how...only I can do that. "

I think you misunderstood the idea of The HArd Questions (or maybe even the 1001 questions. It's not about giving the right answers that'll show you who's right for you or not, it's about communicating to one another the things many couples either refuse to discuss, or forget to discuss.

i.e. The book may ask you about money. Who handles it? How will it be handled? How many accounts will you have? How will you pay bills, etc. In no way does it tell you WHAT is the BEST way or whatevers, but it's for you and your SO to discuss it. If money is the top reason for divorce, you'd be amazed at how many couples don't discuss it prior to marriage. No one way is right. It's what is right for you, as a couple. BUT, what the book is doing is making you think about it, making you tlak about it, making you face facts that you and your SO may or MAY NOT be on the same page. If you're not on the same page, then it's time to discuss it. If you sweep it under the carpet, it will come back to haunt you.

So, they don't need to know you or your SO. YOU need to know yourself and be open enough to discuss these things with your SO. And ditto for the SO.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:39am

Red Queen, my boyfriend said he's up for a book if I feel we really have to read it (although he wouldn't have suggested it), but he said that about pre-marital counseling.

We just don't talk about everything. Not that we avoid it - we simply don't think of it, and we're not "Chatty Kathy's" who go on and on about dreams and expectations and the unknown and what ifs. We're both very practical and logical, and really great at conflict resolution, communicating our needs, showing our appreciation, and stuff like that.

I am not looking for a book to tell me if my man is wrong or right for me. That is a misunderstanding. I was hoping a book would bring up topics that we wouldn't have otherwise thought of that would be crucial to cover before marriage. Not tell me if we were compatible or not.

I did end up finding the book, and browsed through it. So far I found it kind of "meh." I mean what you answer now is not the same as what you'd answer in 15 years. Sometimes you don't even have an answer! It could be, but nothing is guaranteed and people change somewhat over time. Everything is based on the circumstances and situation at hand. So I just might have different answers if the situation were different, KWIM?

Having one failed marriage (although I'm happy that one is over), I want to do everything I can think of to make the next one last forever.




Edited 9/3/2010 4:52 pm ET by sienna76
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 6:26pm

<<>>


Nope and wouldnt ever even have considered it.


A book written or compiled by a person who has never met me nor walked in my shoes

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 4:59pm

The books can't hurt, and being prepared is wonderful. In the end, you will have to trust your instincts as to whether or not you're ready for that next step.


I think tiptoe said it best.

Serenity

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