boundries rethought

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
boundries rethought
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 12:01am
My DF seems to
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 8:55am

I think, no matter what I think LOL, is that your DF (you are living together now?), needs to work with his ex to make things more comfortable for you.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 11:04am

I used to have a similar situation w/ Pam when my kids were little--my ex would watch the kids at my (our former) house because he worked the overnight shift, so he could get them after school, go out, eat dinner, then bring them home & put them to bed and I would have til 10:00 or so--it was actually great when I was dating my 2nd DH cause I could just go to his house until then. Of course, then when I married my 2nd DH, the visits then took place at the dad's house which meant they were a shorter time, but on weekends, it was fine cause they could stay over his house (actually they were staying over his house on weekends anyway, this was just during the week). Now my 2nd DH was what I thought was extreme about my ex not coming to the house--he got really upset once when he found out that our DS had invited him to the back yard to play basketball--he wasn't even in the house. Now I am div from 2nd DH but my 1st ex still wouldn't generally be coming to the house, even though I personally would have no problem w/ that--I know he's not going to be stealing things from the house or looking through my stuff. But I can see where if I were in your position, I wouldn't want my DH's ex to be coming into the house when no one was home.

to put that to the extreme, my best friend is divorced--neither she nor her DH are remarried and they have 2 adult sons. Since he got a condo w/ no garage & he has a fancy sports car, she allows him to keep the car in her garage (he also has another car). Well, somehow that translated to him that he can go into her house whenever he wants even if the kids aren't there. We came home from the beach one day to find him sitting in her living room watching TV. And even though she tells him not to do it, he doesn't listen. I guess she doesn't want to go to the extreme step of calling the police cause he's not violent and it would upset the kids. But I think if I were her, I would tell him that if he can't respect not going into the house, then he can't keep the car there any more because that's how he gets access to the house.

So I guess you have to figure out how you can minimize all the bringing things back & forth. I am trying to figure out exactly what things have to be dropped off. When my kids visit their dad, they bring an overnight bag w/ their clothes and their backpack w/ their books--I really can't think of anything that is that important that would have to be transported unless DS forgot his medication. So why can't they just pack what they need for the visits and then when he brings the kids back to their mom's house, he just brings everything back w/ them? What has to be left? And maybe it's time to start teaching them that if they forget something, they can't always get it right away unless it's an emergency.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 1:14pm

First it depends if you are living there, or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 8:22am


I agree with Serenity and the others.

First of you become his wife, ...*your* feelings become a priority to exW's feelings/convenience.

Secondly,....even though you'd *like* to be comfortable with the it's more "convenient" for both parents, and you'd *like* to be reasonable and cooperative in supporting a "civil/coparenting" relationship for the sake of his child---> the fact is you've honestly TRIED to feel comfortable with this idea--> you said, 'sure, go should be OK"--> IMO, you've already GIVEN IT THE OLD "COLLEGE TRY" as they say----->>> but the fact've now DONT feel comfortable with this.

I wouldnt either....honestly, if you had something sitting out there, oh, say a card you gave him for birthday with note you wrote on it...sitting out on the mantle...and she walked by it...who's to say she wouldnt happen to be intrigued since it's just a funny card, and open it up and read it---> not even "snooping"....just something a guest might do when walking's not your guest........and, I would just feel she has TOO MUCH access to "my" personal stuff....---> I just would not be happy about it.

Anyhow, my point on this is that you DONT feel comfortable with this, ....and I think you should be honest with him on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 11:13pm

I second that approach and would tender this advice. Buy a garden shed and give everybody a key. Tell the kids if you don't want to carry it, leave it in the shed. It's sort of a giant family locker. We have the "Bunny Barn" since my ex drives in from out of state to pick up our son, right after school, all the overnight supplies are in the Bunny barn and then the bunnies get an extra good-bye petting before the boy is gone for the weekend.
My BF does it differently and recently had to tell his ex she was no longer allowed to come into his house when no one was home (his daughter passed on the code so mom could get her homework). His ex got really unhappy and re-drew some of her boundaries. That was unfortunate but when BF and I talked about it we agreed she probably felt offended and we could both understand what that would feel like. We came up with a definition that we agree on - people are only allowed into your house when you are not home if you trust them like family OR there is an emergency. Forgotten homework is not an emergency and ex-spouses are by definition a person you no longer trust as family. They are always part of your extended family because they are the other parent of your children... but you, the homeowner, do not hold them as family therefor, they do not get a key.

Really this is a logistics problem though. Invite her into the discussion, or have DH do it, explain that this change is going to occur and ask what would work. I mean is she stopping to get meds (ask the pharmacist for extras), is she picking up somebody's favorite t-shirt.... the child can live with out it for a few days. Also check in with her about what isn't working on her end. Try for an open forum and act like all three of you have this job to provide childcare for these children and the other adults are co-workers and you MUST be professional because your pay check depends upon it. That little mental game keeps me civil towards my ex! Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2010
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 1:07pm

What kinds of things are getting dropped off at the house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 3:47pm

Well, I never thought of my DH's ex coming to our house when we are not there. My SD lives there all the time (well, one or the other) and I only learned the ex comes to this flat from the pictures. I remember I did not like it much but then I forgot about it. Now perhaps I should tell my DH to tell his DD not to let her in anymore. I cannot imagine he will do such a thing, and there will start a new quarrel or a storm in the glass.

yes, if I think of it much I start not to like it but to tell the truth I never thought about it. I think if you hundred % sure your DH is not interested at all in his ex and she in him (I cannot be that sure about her, but I never had a reason to doubt it) than you do not really care. I am sure she would come very rarely and would not consider this as a visit of his ex's flat, just as a visit of her daughter.

So after writing this message I thought i would rather forget about it again