a break from dating, for now ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
a break from dating, for now ...
8
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 9:40pm

you know what ... my boyfriend and I are broken up right now - and it's for good this time - and I don't want him back. But sometimes I just can't put my finger on what is was about him that I didn't like. You know? And it's like ... if I can't describe it - I'm afraid I'm doomed to repeat it!

But I think one of the main things was that our relationship was sort of plastic! I don't think I even one time showed him my bad mood in over a year {we dated for over 1 year}. I mean, maybe slightly once I did. But for the most part - one time we were on the phone and I said something like "man my fuse seems sort of short today." and he immediately wanted to get off the phone with me. And ... it's just like I couldn't show him my icky side. Not that I want to be icky all the time - but ... I don't know. I want to be REAL - and still be loved! You know?

I don't even know if I can describe it. He one time told me that I was so easy to be around and that was how it should be. But the truth is - I want to be with someone who can handle it when I'm NOT easy to be around! You know?

I'm just starting to find my power again - since my divorce has been finalized. I need to get my self-confidence and self-esteem back. I think with this past relationship - I've just been so go-with-the-flow. TOO much! I want to find my power and my voice again!

With him - I think he was always thinking about ... "will she be a good stepmom to my kids." will she fit this mold for me. will she be nice to my kids. But I don't think he ever thought about - is HE being the best fit for ME??? You know? I feel like he was only looking out for his kids and himself - but did he ever consider my feelings or preferences???

I don't really think so! I don't know if he ever thought to himself - Gee, is this relationship making HER happy!

And that sort of bothers me! I feel like he thinks less of me because I do not have kids. He says he feels sorry for people without kids - well, I don't have kids! But I really still think I can contribute to society, you know? I can live a life of contribution, WITHOUT having kids!

I think maybe he's in a love-war for the kids. Between him and the other house. He wants the kids to want HIM more than his ex-WIFE - and I was very sweet to his kids - so I helped him to accomplish HIS goal. But I don't think he really thought about helping ME to accomplish MY goals, you know?

I don't know - the relationship just was never right - and somehow I felt left-behind in the whole thing. I guess I'm just trying to work it all out - since I KNOW deep down he isn't the right guy for me - but I just can't seem to put my finger on EXACTLY why. Maybe it was the culmination of many of these things, you know?

Thanks for reading my rambling!!! I'm taking a break from dating for a while!!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 9:13am

CD,


I think that's great!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 9:40am

I don't even know if I can describe it. He one time told me that I was so easy to be around and that was how it should be. But the truth is - I want to be with someone who can handle it when I'm NOT easy to be around! You know?


CD,


I was in a similar relationship once.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:06am

So glad you posted, CD, and shared your thoughts.


That kind of R is OK for a while, if neither party wants anything long term, but it just doesn't hold water.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:54am
Some of the things you said really hit home with where I'm at right now. My SO and I have been addressing some tough questions lately and there are a few red flags.


"I was very sweet to his kids - so I helped him to accomplish HIS goal. But I don't think he really thought about helping ME to accomplish MY goals, you know?"


Like - he always said he fell in love with because how well I treated his kids and how they bonded with me like no one else. Well - that's all great and well and good, HOWEVER - someday the kids will grow up and leave. Am I the person HE wants to be with?

I've always dropped everything for him and the kids, meeting every need I could, however, when I expressed a need, it was often been swept under the rug or unimportant. I have been there for just about every event in him and his kids lives over the past few years, but when I have an event, he makes no effort to come and be supportive. Don't get me wrong, he's not a complete waste. He's great at birthdays, special occasions, etc. But I have to think to myself, "Do I really want to just feel special once or twice a year?"

Sometimes

- TronGal
 (Singer/songwriter/contributing author for

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 9:27am

thank you guys so much for the support :-) I've been reading a lot about co-dependency - and I think maybe I was trying to run to the rescue of my new guy - in the same way I tried to "rescue" my alcoholic husband. I think I'm in denial about my co-dependency. It ain't just a RIVER, you know? :-)

Anyways - I'm staying strong. This is the THIRD time we've broken up. I know I won't go back, though. This time is for good!!!

Thanks so MUCH to you all for the support and kind words!!!

CD

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 10:45am

I wish you succeed this time in your objective, CD!

I was reading your post now and others and it came to my mind that I never broke up in my life with anyone and returned back! I only had three big relationship in my life exactly one after another and every time i broke up i was never back to the man. It does not mean that I never wanted to do it before but but for me to break up is break up - finished, no way back. If it is not finished - why to break up?
Actually I never even wanted to think about coming back. So may be you shall think about it?
Are you really hoping the man will start asking you back and considering tour terms? Or you are finished with the man? In the first case it is not really the end even if you say yourself so. In my view you shall work on yourself a bit on this issue. For future relationship too. Habits stay. If you get used to break up every time you are not happy and then back when the sky is cleared you will never be considered seriously. I have this example of breaking up and back with my SDs. They are over 30-s now and for me it looks very childish and no one take seriously their break ups anymore only annoyed.
I hope I sounded that I wish you all the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 11:16am
That is an interesting way of looking at breakups, Renata. My 2nd DH used to threaten to get a divorce every time we had a big fight. It would be "tomorrow I'm going to the lawyer to draw up the papers." So after you hear that several times, you know that it's an idle threat, plus it's like bullying to say "if you don't do what I want, then I'm going to leave you." By the time I actually did decide that I wanted a divorce, that was it--I had made up my mind & there was no going back. Then when we were having the discussions about how to divide up the property, etc.,. which went surprisingly well w/o fighting, he actually said something like "maybe we will get back together after your kids are out of the house" as if they were the cause of the problems and it had nothing to do w/ him. I told him right away that there was no chance we would ever get back together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 12:16pm
Yes, Liz, what I think you cant be all your life a freshman. You are getting older and wiser and you do not want to waste tour life on quarrels. My DH always says all I want is peace now. He had such a stressed life with his ex-w of which I can only guess and he endured it all till his kids grew living practically separately but still having to go through the rows permanently. What I know is that if love is here you just can't do it to each other, you may want your way and even if you have it it does not make you happy really. I am like a flash, my anger burns in an instant and if i see a move towards me I can move mountains for my DH forgetting I was just sulking. I see how he suffers for instance being upset with his DDs but they speak sweet to him and he can say nothing. I can see that for him peace is more important than the money he pays or the inconvenience he suffers. I can see he worries for me as he knows they are not MY children, I just do not care then anymore I cannot see him upset. In all our quarrels this feeling always draws me up from the deep fast. So by now I have learnt to live with the small things I do not agree or even for some they are not so small. It is how CD described her issues with his children, I used to have mine, they have gone, it took time and tears but I always knew that if I let it pass I do it for love and it helped. I can see how he from his end is doing efforts too, I do not know if his DDS noticed. Still sometimes things happen like when the circumstances change but the promise is still there.
What i want to say to CD, they say the first 2 years you are so much in love you are even blind to problems (so was I in a way) and if she has so many in her first year and even broke up 3 times nothing good will come out of this. Life is so short, wht to suffer for something which is not yours?