Can it work - after a BAD relationship?
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|Sun, 02-07-2010 - 8:29pm|
I am still recovering in a lot of ways from my first marriage -- it's been OVER a year since my ex left. He was an alcoholic. Very angry person. Very non-empathetic. Not really out for my best interests, out for his own. So ... now I'm involved with a GREAT guy - he seems like a good one. He has 3 kids. No red flags really so far. He isn't super ambitious - he isn't going to start his own company or anything - but he has a good solid job - he's a good provider. He's a little bit on the stingy side maybe. Careful with his money - but my ex was a compulsive gambler, so this is actually an OK thing for me.
I'm just TERRIFIED of getting married again - TERRIFIED. You have no idea. What if he turns out to be a selfish jerk. he isn't a drinker, but what if he has all of these other sorts of issues that I haven't even THOUGHT OF yet! You know? I mean, he isn't perfect. One time he referred to his co-worker as "fat" and I thought that was rude so I asked him to not say that and he has stopped. But other than that and the fact that he's somewhat cheap - I think things are OK.
He's handsome. he's sexy. He's athletic. He is of my same religion. He's a bit more conservative to my liberal - but he isn't a super-macho, gun-crazed Republican or anything. He's not like Ted Nugent or something. HA! he's a good Christian. He's a little more small-town to my big-city, but I think that's oK. I don't know? How do I know this sort of thing?
He's pretty much ready to get married I think. He has THREE kids - and I adore them. his ex is crazy - but aren't they all? He deals with her and I don't at all - so that's just fine with me. Those two work it out. I just go with it. I'm very much a go-with-the-flow kind of person. So much so, that I lived with a raging alcoholic for 15 years.
I've healed a LOT in the past year - but not fully - and I'm TERRIFIED OF DOING it again, you know? Sometimes I feel like a bit of an interloper with the kids and stuff. Like the four of them have their thing and I'm just the girlfriend. You know? And I don't get a ton of alone time with him. But I think that's how it goes with little ones, right?
I don't have kids of my own, so being a stepmommy DOES appeal to me - to have a relationship with his wonderful kiddos. They LOVE their mommy - so I know I won't be their mom. But I get to be an important adult in their life, and that is enough :-) I love them. With all my heart.
do you think he just wants marriage because it's HARD for him as a single dad and he wants the help - or does he really love me? How do I know that?
I mostly communicate pretty well with him - but I think I do tend to hide my feelings because I don't want to come across as emotional. My mom is SO emotional and SO into romance and I think it's a little silly, actually. I want to be taken seriously - so I try to always keep my cool - and sometimes I do stuff my feelings. If I don't know how to say something without being emotional - then I don't say it at all - you know?
And I mean, let's face it - I'm female - so i do get crazy emotions sometimes. I just keep them in.
I am someone who needs at least a LITTLE space. I like to do my own thing sometimes. I don't know - how do I know if it will work or not?
I do believe it's ok to be dependent - I don't need to be super independent. Let's face it - those 3 kids have stole my heart - and I imagine the rest of my life with them. But there is so much unknown. What if it's just absolutely TERRIBLE - like my FIRST MARRIAGE!!! Oh it hurts to even think of everything that happened. What if my new guy doesn't protect me. What if I ALWAYS feel like an interloper??? Honestly, I'd love to marry him - but I am REALLY TERRIFIED!!!