Can You Ever Give Your Whole Heart Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Can You Ever Give Your Whole Heart Again
27
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 10:13pm

Hi - I am new to this site and after reading a few posts I thought I would reach out to some of you for some advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 2:23am
I think you only shall marry a man when you have absolutely no doubts at all. No doubts at least that you love him and your life without him, yours and your DDs will be worse than with him.
When we marry first time or when we are young we make mistakes because we lack the experience. Now it is different. There is no rush. Wait and listen to your heart if it wants to be given away again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 8:55am

can you really ever love the way you did the first time around?

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 9:49am

Thanks for the great advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 10:34am

You know - if you are having doubts ... then it is probably too soon. I am in a similar situation - just not ready to commit. And in a lot of ways I'm risking our relationship - to take the time to figure it out for ME!

Maybe this IS the exact right guy for you (maybe it's just timing?) - but I truly believe ... when it comes to marriage - you should be head over heels - 100% SURE about this guy. I *do* believe you can give your WHOLE HEART again - the 2nd time around. I read this amazing love letter the other day - and I thought to myself - until I'm ready to WRITE this love letter to my love, I won't be ready to marry him. You have to FEEL IT (as women we just DO)! You know? Here is the love letter:

"Matt, my answer is yes. A resounding yes! If I could marry you tomorrow and wake up next to you for the rest of my life, either in a hut or a mansion, I would. My life is better because of you and you constantly push me to discover who I am, who God is, and how I can change the world for better. I promise I will never leave you or abandon our new family and my commitment is for life… even when I want to give up and quit. Thank you for taking me back–twice. I love you more today than yesterday… but not as much as tomorrow."

When I read that - I knew ... THAT is my love letter :-) And once I feel that way - once my heart opens enough to feel that way again ...

Then I'll be ready to say "I do" forever and ever :-) And I can't WAIT to feel that way again! But I also won't rush it. I will be patient and wait and I know it will happen again for me :-) No reservations!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 10:44am
Wow!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:07am

In my world I should never love or trust again, right??? -- I am curious to find out why you feel this way. I know your 1st marriage was abusive, but do you feel that all men are going to be abusive? Or do you not trust your "gut" to figure out whether a guy is going to be a good DH? Are you afraid that someone is going to pull the wool over your eyes, then you'll get married & find out the guy is different? Personally, I would recommend some counseling for you. Being abused really does something to yourself--you might have this nagging voice inside you that thinks "maybe my ex was right when he said I was X". I do think that you have to re-learn to be independent before you can commit to someone else & have a healthy relationship. I do wonder how your ex can still press your buttons & aggravate you when he lives so far away--why do you have any communication w/ him at all? I would think that you should have limited communication which only pertains to your DD and that all commmunication should be by email. There is no need for you to ever speak to him on the phone. And if you are talking on the phone & he starts berating you, then hang up. Don't even get into a conversation w/ him. I learned that w/ my 2nd ex--he sounds like your ex (He has bipolar disorder) so he'd start getting into these yelling, threatening conversations on the phone, and I would just hang up. It took me a while to figure that one out. And if he's not being nice to your DD, then you tell him that you will go back to court to cancel his visitation--there's no reason for her to suffer too.

As far as the looks, I am not going to be naive and say looks don't matter. I think that's the same for everyone. And we all have different tastes. Some women would love guys w/ a beard & some would hate it. For some women, they are turned off by bald guys & some don't care. Now is the question, does this guy turn you on, or are you just thinking of what other people will think, or that you are "supposed" to get a better looking guy? If it's the 2nd, that's pretty immature, isn't it? I mean, would you rather have a nice, average looking guy or a handsome jerk? My 2nd ex was objectively not good looking but I still found him sexy & a great lover. But if you aren't turned on by him and you're trying to "make" yourself be, then inevitably your sex life is going to suffer, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:54am

Yes, we are supposed to have very limited contact - email only.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 12:52pm

I do think that you have to re-learn to be independent before you can commit to someone else & have a healthy relationship.


Very wise words, Liz.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 1:36pm

I think a more accurate description woud be "survivor's guilt" that I may be feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 2:04pm

If he hasn't seen her in a year, why do you even open his emails?

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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