Caught in the Hell circle called "taken for granted"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Caught in the Hell circle called "taken for granted"
149
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 7:46am

DH and I haven't been married that long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Hi Isys---

Hmmmm.....frustrating!!

From my experience......counselors are good at taking (what you wrote in your post) and helping you express that to DH *WITHOUT* him getting PO'ed at you................

Because the bottom line, it seems, is that you need to be expressing (what you wrote in your post) to him,....AND, he needs to be receiving this in a "how can we change things so OUR RELATIONSHIP is better mode, VS a defensive mode----which is what I'm guessing you're going to get if you simply "express" to him what you've expressed here.

I guess one thing is you need to tell him what you DO want ---like him planning a "date"/outing with you, like him planning outing/activity with SD, (and/or SD and you)------he needs to take some initiative and ownership here. -----Do you think this was part of downfall of his previous relationship/marriage? ---it's probably "who he is"----but, he CAN make some efforts to do more!

Anyhow----I can see how you will be building resentment shortly (well, probably already started)-----so, one thing would be to start telling him what you DO want him to do (specifically---eg, "we dont have any plans this saturday---SD is here then, I would like it if you made some plans for all of us to do something together"---then stay OUT of it and have him make ALL arrangements, etc. When you start with the laundry folding---bring it to where he is and start handing him pieces, or fold one basket and hand him the second and say, "here, you can do this one"

Also---I would ask him what he thinks is up with the SD's statement re: the bus? AND, how you felt with that being his ONLY communication with you that evening?

How is he affectionwise? And what about taking the continual calling/texting during daytime as your opportunity to communicate with him re: getting him to agree to do more things?


You know, John Gray---the Mar and Venus guy----wrote a book wherein he talked re: men need to get "vested" in a relationship---and how you should "allow" the guy to walk around the car to open your door, to allow him to make ALL date plans, etc----YOUR job is to "appreciate" this----and it builds his self esteem re: HIM BEING ABLE TO PLEASE YOU BY DOING FOR YOU..................................so, I guess my point is maybe it's time to start making sure he has more opportunities to DO,...AND being sure to let him know youre happy with this---------------------------sounds like right now you're "doing it all", and , like I said starting to build resentment (I would,also)

(((((((((((((((hugs!!)))))))))))))

keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004

I just think he needs to take more ownership in the care of his own child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

How old are the kids? That just sucks that he is taking you for granted already. Is he planning the weekends with everything he wants to do and not including you? Or is he making plans for both of you and that is making you mad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004

His DD is 6.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

His DD is only 6?

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

Oh heck no!!!!! He should not be making plans to go off by himself and leave you with his daughter! I would be feeling like a convenient, built in babysitter - no way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I am assuming that his DD lives w/ you full time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004

It would be nice if he wanted to do something as a couple, but I don't see that happening any more.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Where is your DH's family and his DD's mother?
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004

DH's ex-wife died after they got divorced.

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