Check in time again!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Check in time again!
10
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 2:32pm

How is everyone?  Anything new?  Anything old we would all LOVE to hear an update on?   Great time for lurkers to pop in and give us a wave.

Married life is treating me well so far.  Bumps in the road, of course, but such is life.  My youngest just turned 14, ugh!   DH and I still have some disagreements about the grown kids occasionally.  I just don't get his poor attitude sometimes.  So, we agree to disagree and my R with my kids is the priority.  He is fine at family events and the such, but he is just an ass when they come by, which is rare.  I wonder why?????

My family is not the type that has to talk every day, every week, etc.  We all get along just the way we are.  Yes, my adult kids usually only call when the want something, and I dont' see the big deal.  They don't owe me any  money, they are not causing me any harms, and we talk ocassionally on the phone and of course texting and FB.  But my DH takes exception to all of it.  I don't get it.  He bitches that they never come by to see me, but when I asked about having the family over for a combinaton b-day party he said it was fine, but he would not participate.  

Again, it is what it is for today.  All I can do is nurture MY relationship with them and just keep praying about their R with my DH.  

So, that was WAY more than I planned on posting.  Chime in with your updates!!!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 5:30pm
Hi Everyone , I am an on again off again lurker/participator on here:) My older two kids are grown and my "baby" is 14. This is my second marriage and my DH doesn have any children of his own. We continue to struggle through the blended family issues. We have been together 6 years and married 2 1/2..I have read it takes at least 7 years for a blended family to truly blend...so I am holding out hope that in another year or so most of the rough stuff will be over...we shall see :)

Malea

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 8:48am

Hey ML12, I am so envious of you taking ballroom dance lessons!  I want to do that when my current work situation calms down a bit.  I took the lessons last year, and had a BLAST.  I also go ballroom dancing with my mother when I visit her, three hours away.

Have fun!  That's my motto.  Enjoy life!  :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-28-2014 - 10:51am

I am already thinking that if I ever get to retire and my kids are living in a different state and I'm still single then, I might move to be close to them.  My aunt did that when she got old and her only DD lived far away and I can really see why--you want to see the grandchildren and also have someone to help out when you get old.  I am so hating the cold weather this winter.  My boss is so cheap that he shuts the heat off every night (which I thought was bad for the heating system) so every morning it takes quite a while to warm up--of course he doesn't come to work until after lunch so it doesn't affect him.

Well you long timers know that I got divorced from my 2nd marriage 6 yrs ago and I have not had a BF since--not for lack of trying but when you are over 50, it's not exactly a hot market.  It seems like all the guys my age want much younger women.  But I took up ballroom dancing and at least made a lot of other single friends.  I do have to say that I would not even date someone with kids younger than high school--my youngest is going to college in the fall and I am not interested in raising someone else's kids again.  I also doubt that I would ever get married again, but considering I can hardly get a date, I probably won't have to decide any time soon.  Oh I also have to sell my house this year to pay off my 2nd DH, who had bought 1/2 the house when I got married.  I really have no sentimental attachment to the house itself and the good part will be that I won't have to shovel snow or do yard work any more, but going from a big house to a smaller place and having to get rid of a lot of stuff will be a pain in the neck.  I occasionally talk to 2nd DH who seems to be a lot happier being on his own.  I am actually glad for him that he is enjoying his life.  

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 02-28-2014 - 7:43am

Thanks Serenity.  Somehow, just knowing that there are others that hit "bumps in the road" makes me feel better...like I am not alone on this journey.  With so many of my friends that do not understand the issues of a blended family, I sometimes feel "stranded."  I am glad I found this board.  :)

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 02-27-2014 - 12:41pm

Hi Fresh and welcome to the board!  I see you have been around iVillage for a while, so I am glad you found your way to us.

Serenity

Serenity
Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 02-27-2014 - 8:19am

I am new to this board, but I can relate to much of your post.  I, too, am in a blended family with a husband who is critical of my children...and he can see little wrong with his own.  :(  In fact, he "protects" his son from me,claiming that dss is scared of me.  I told him that his definition of  "scared" is my definition of "respect."  I think that dh and my ss's mother both have divorce guilt so they let dss get away with much more than they would have if they didn't get divorced.

On the other hand, my ex still takes me back to court, always wanting to fight it out.  He even turned my son against me...despite my son threatening to burn my house down and trying to hit me (he is 6'2" and I am 5'3"), my son won't go to counselling with me and his father doesn't support the counselling, so I haven't seen my 17 year old son in two years.  I set a hard boundary, and my ex was happy about it because he then sued for child support.  He is now taking me back to court because he wants more money.  :(  The support will end in July, so at least there is an end to it.

At least I have a great relationship with my daughter who is in her second year of college.  She doesn't see her dad much and she told me she is trying to teach her dad how to be a good father.  She is perplexed by how irresponsible he is towards my son.  I explained to her that is one reason why I divorced her father.  Oh well.  DD loves her stepdad and told him that he truly is her father.  :)

Ah, well, it's nice to hear that I am not the only one with "blended family issues."  Cheers to this board!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 5:48pm

Hello SO!!!  So good to see you!

Yea, I kind of choose how much I talk about grown kids to my DH .  Like I said, he is okay at holidays, but for example, he passed on going to pizza for my DD28 bday.  It was fine and really not a big deal, so he chooses when he is willing to suck it up and when he is not.  

I still hold out hope that it will improve with DH and my two big kids.  Will never be as I had hoped, but not reason to believe it can't improve.  He can be an ass to his own kids, also.  So he is not picking on mine.  

Oh, but what I wanted to say is that we are seriously considering warmer weather after my DD14 is out of high school.  We would realistically probably only move a few hours south of here.  Really don't want to move out of state.  We can still dream of Maui though.  :)  

But, I am like your DH and have to have a really, really good reason to make a move like that.  No guarantee that my kids will stay here, so how much of your life to you plan around grown kids, KWIM?  I feel for your DH and I do "get it."  But I can also see your perspective.  

Enough out of me.  Glad a few of us are still around!!!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 02-05-2014 - 8:53am

  Hi, everyone!  Congrats, Deb on getting married and blending a family.  It never happened here. How old are yours and fdh's kids? 

 Serenity...I cannot believe your youngest is now 14.  Where has the time gone?  My dh, too, still harbors ill feelings towards my adult DDs for disrespecting and hurting me in the past, however, I've moved on from that...am focusing on dh's and my relationship.  Kids are grown...don't hear from them often. DD28 is getting married in October and dh is unemployed at the current time, so money is a big issue here right now.  Dh and I have had many arguments regarding his kids/my kids, even discussed divorce, but somehow we've managed to hold it together.  My kids and me are like yours Serenity...don't talk often, but know the love is there and that we're there for each other.  Dh just doesn't "get it".  His kids are dysfunctionally dependent on him...not for money anymore, but, because of their choices...he's "all" they have.  I think it's strange, but have accepted it.   So, what's working for us is that we've both disengaged from each other's kids...I see mine and do for mine and he for his and we don't mention them often to each other.  Sad...yes...but it works for us.

Other than that, I've just been working and trying to survive winter as best I can.  Not a fan AT ALL, but it is what it is.  I long for the day dh and I might be able to go south for a week in the winter, but not sure if we'll ever have the money to do it.  This year any money spent will be on airline tickets to fly east for my DD28's bridal shower and wedding. Dh has his first phone interview today, so I've been praying really hard!  Of course there have been fights during the course of his unemployment.  I saw his being let go from his job as an opening for us to move to a warm climate, but HE adamantly doesn't want to move AT ALL...is even willing to take a lesser paying job just to stay here.  I don't.  He thinks at our age, it would just be too hard plus, 2 of his sons are here and he reminds me I have 2 DDs here plus a grandson.  DD26 wants no relationship with me and DD22 graduates college in December and I can see her moving to AZ with her best friend whose parents have a condo down there.  Well, I personally am sick of this town and the climate, so would love to move, but he's the breadwinner, so not much I can do.  I'm an adventurer, he's not.  sigh  I look at it as an opportunity to start over...just the 2 of us...and he comes up with every excuse in the book NOT to move.  UGH 

Like you, Serenity, I wrote way more than I had planned to.  This board sure is much quieter than it used to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 12:59pm

Congratulations Deb !! 

Looking forward to hearing more about it :)

As for the adult kids, Serenity,....I dont hear from mine much either....same deal, they arent "using" me by only calling for $$---they are just busy with their own lives and simply dont think of it.

I think some of your DH's "issue" might be (?) that he realizes you'd like it differently, and he's vocalizing your feelings (which can be annoying, because, y'know, if I can suck it up and deal with it, I dont want to have to deal with you also...) but also maybe it touches a nerve re: how his own kids treat (or dont treat) him?  So it's kind of personalized for him, even though not about him at all?  Who knows.....

But I think it's pretty common not to hear from them that much....

Glad things are going well in general, though :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 4:10pm

Hello,

My news is that my fiance finally proposed, so I will be able to post about making the marriage work soon enough.  Smile

I have added to my original thread for those who are interested.

My future questions are going to be about the wedding (very small, but still including some questions) and working out the "blended family" thing.  We have already had some issues in the past where our respective daughters get a little edgy with each other. :(  

So far though, everyone says they are delighted we are getting married.

Dabby