Communication issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Communication issues
8
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 7:45pm

looking for insight -- and/or folks who relate.


Communication is a priority, right. My BF and I had a communication breakdown this past weekend. First of all, let me catch most of you up to speed. My BF officially moved in at the beginning of Aug. I guess it's a long story of our new arrangment but basically, he babysits now from 2pm - 6pm nightly. The trade, I guess, is that i'm still paying all the bills and all the rent (and the grocery bill too). The only utility I asked him to help out is Electricity since he likes the A/C on more than me.


About after a week, he told me I have made his life so much better. He's told me since we first started getting serious that he finally feels he is right where he needs to be. He tells me he loves me constantly.


But then this past week, he started getting short with me. He seemed to bark orders at me. I felt either I was getting in his way, or not doing enough,... didn't know what was going on. I felt like he was using a disrespectful tone and he seemed angry or annoyed all the time. I noticed this behavior early on in dating, too,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 9:17pm
Babysitting plus one bill IMO

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:41pm
I do think that the initial moving in & having to take care of your kids every day could be a big adjustment for him, so to give him the benefit of the doubt, it could just be the big change of the situation. Is he also working at night still? I do agree w/ you that if he has a problem, then being cranky and not explaining what is upsetting him sure isn't going to solve the problem and the 2 of you need to sit down some time & go over some things like how the 2 of you are going to divide the chores. I also think that he needs to be contributing more financially--it doesn't need to be 1/2 but since he was paying rent before & living in his own apt, then he could be paying more for you. Now since my 2nd DH & I both had kids we didn't consider doing things for each other's kids any different than doing things for our own kids. Since I believe that he's the non-custodial parent, it's a little different, but I don't know that he gets a free pass on rent because you don't have to pay a babysitter. Then it kind of puts him in the situation of not really being a man (this is very stereotypical for me but it seems like this occurs) when he's the babysitter and not contributing much financially.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:17am

Communication was the first thing DH and I had to work on before we got married.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:12pm

thanks all. I think i've simmered down. (for now)


mom_uk2socal - i would like things to be more balanced too.


musiclover - when he and I talked today, one of the things he brought up was the "big adjustment". good call. Yes, he is still working 5 nights a week. Tues - Saturday. So, actually, he watches my kids all night on Monday for me. I am also paying a babysitter (Tues - Fri) but less than what i would for a fulltime one.


cl-pamela10355 - thanks for your words of wisdom. i dont' think i stuck to one issue very well... i had a main theme (respectful communication)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 8:58am

I know it's a dated book, but Harville Hendrix's book called "Getting the Love You Want" has very good tips on communication.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 2:33pm

I think stress is a great way to bring up issues and an opportunity to see how well the relationship works or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 9:03am

Right on point, Mark.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 2:22pm

My first thought was that this arrangement is new for both of you, and it takes time to get used to such a big change.

Serenity