Compatable ? Im confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Compatable ? Im confused
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 10:10pm

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 2 yrs, 3 hrs apart, spending weekends together.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 10:56pm

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that you would be the one making all the changes--selling your house, uprooting your kids, giving away your cats & not being near your parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 8:09am
Hi LIv--


I will side with Music here---unless there is some BIG TIME reason he absolutely cannot even CONSIDER being the one to move (hah--he has an electronic tether and must be at home evenings? --just kidding)-----the fact that he's not even entertaining the idea---just cavalierly stating he "wont" move to me is a huge RED FLAG.

Let's just look at circumstances practically:

You both have kids near you, settled in their own schools. Equal.

I'm assuming if either moves, there will be transportation of kids to ex for visitation---equal.

You own your own house----with economy as it is, I'm guessing you'll wind up with a LOSS for selling-----> advantage for HIM to move to your place.

You have aging parents you're concerned for/need to be near-----> advantage for HIM to move to your place.

If he loved you, he would be concerned re: you being concerned re: your parents.

The cat situation is another area of huge issue------I understand people who dont love cats-----and I understand people who love them----(they become MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY)---

Between your parents, and your fluffy friends-----there is HUGE potential for resentment to build----> and we havent even discussed your kids readjustment-------what about living situation----how much time are his kids with him, and your kids with you? Plus, you will be investing all of your money into a house WITH him, so if it doesnt work out, you're really mired in, and right now you are independent (it sounds) and taking care of things fine.

Ugh. We had a poster on here a few years ago----(mental block right now trying to remember her name?)-----

Tanga---that's it (or similar).

She (also) did ALL the comprimise----SHE moved to HIS town. SHE communted back to all of her kids events, etc etc. LIKE YOUR GUY---he told her outright he was NOT moving to her place. She did everything she could to make it work-------and REALLY grew to resent it.

She wanted a FAMILY----and he, basically, wanted a GF who lived at his place (convenient). Basically he wanted to take care of his kids, and she hers (e.g. SHE was always driving -----he was happy to see her at HIS place.....). After a year or two of her "giving" all to the relationship , she became exhausted---they went to counseling, and he pulled out the "you knew what you were getting into----from the get-go, I told you I had no intention of moving to your town" card.

She moved back, and tried to stay "married" while living separately.
(basically back to where you are at now)----except she had tons of resentment (I would as well.....)

I guess the bottom line is:

It reminds me of a book title, "he's just not that into you"----------it is a WONDERFUL feeling to have a guy WANTING to bend over backwards to see you.

I suppose Tanga's saga hit me on a deeper level than other poster's situations----because, prior to my current relationship, I was involved with a guy that I felt VERY strongly about---------but, yes, we had similar issues. I didnt want to move from my town---and he didnt want to move from his. He was very involved with his kids, and didnt "need" me as part of that.

I did eventually break up with that guy---and the very next guy I started dating was someone who DID bend over backwards to make adjustments to his life in order to see cant believe how wonderful that feels's a concrete example of how IMPORTANT you are to him........

Makes you feel pretty good.... the question re: ??compatible??------

Sounds like there is physical chemistry-------but if/when there becomes a bunch of RESENTMENT piling up---------I honestly dont think that's going to be *enough* to balance that.

Enjoy what you have now-----become "unavailable" to do as much driving as you currently are--------> and see if he steps up to the plate to come see you more. (see if you can keep the cats out of his area during the visit, and vacuum up the cat hair prior to visits, so that's not such an issue for him)...............

But, look to see if he's really willing to *give* more. As long as you're "doing it all"------it's pretty easy for him to sit there and be the "taker".

I think you deserve more, deserve better.

And I think you will regret not putting your concern for parents, and your own financial situation (loss of $$ on house), and emotional well being of kids (they CAN adjust to a move, but , it is a stress, and with all of the other issues......I think it's another foot or two of dirt on the mound of resentment you will have piling up).

Also, you said you're posting here because "it could lead" to marriage eventually (disclaimer: I've been "living together" for 7 plus years, not remarried, so I have nothing against living together without being married)---------however, I think he is asking/expecting WAAAAAAYYYYYYY too much for you to be giving up/sacrificing without even a concrete marriage proposal/engagement....?

BEST WISHES--((((hugs))))------
Value your own self worth, Liv--- :-) !!

And keep us updated!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 2:36pm
Hi and welcome to our board.

I think music and laurena hit a lot of great points. One thing I have to ask is this.....if the physical part died tomorrow, for whatever reasons (let's say an accident that meant no more sex, but healthy otherwise), how would you rate the r'ship? If you took sex out of the equation, is there a lot left there to sustain your r'ship with this man?

I am one of those dog lover people. I have told every man I've dated, "love me, love my dogs, or leave". And I truly meant it. The ONLY sacrifice I made with my current DH was to not allow the dogs on the bed/furniture. Honestly, I regret even doing that much for him (but he's come around and allowed it on both fronts).

I would be okay with moving, giving up my home, etc. But I would never ever give up my pets for man. And on that same note, I could never be with a man who didn't love my dogs (they don't have to love them as much as me, but I want them to love them as if they were his).

Are you sure you're not already resentful of the things you do for the r'ship, that he doesn't? It also sounds like you don't really want to move. I believe you two can be compatible, but that doesn't mean that he's the right guy either. I guess you need to ask yourself, are you willing and/or ready to give up everything for him (and never become resentful of your decision)?

Hugs. It is a very hard situation. But only you can answer these questions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 3:00pm

Thank You for your thoughts on my situation. I think I have learned alot from not having time to myself. I went right to a relationship after a 20 yr marriage ending in divorce. The attention I got from this man was everything I ever wanted from my marriage and it felt so good that I couldnt see anything but that. I was completely blinded to see the whole big picture of what I really wanted. I was willing to do anything to have this attention and to be loved the way this man seems to love me even sacrifice for him. I knew he would not move , I said I would do it but that was before I saw the impact that the divorce had on my children and before reality hit and I got to more of a real place in my relationshipe. The newness is certianlly blinding. Now I sit here with that knot in my stomach wondering how I will ever get over this , I know long term it isnt going to be what I truely want but I truely want him just under my choices which I knew from the beginning how it was. Boy have I ever messed up :(

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 2:02pm

Well, for it is worth, I think it can be confusing knowing where that line is in being accomodating in a healthy way, and going too far and the scale becomes overly weighted on one side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 2:08pm
Some people are pet people - like me. What he said to you would constitute a deal breaker.

If my beloved hated dogs, or never wanted a dog, or said I had to give up one of my dogs (hypothetically, because I just have one dog), then he is not the right one for me. I am that serious, because it's my deal breaker. In fact I get that right out in the open when I started dating any guy.

So on that basis, I'd have to call it quits, but I understand as you're further into it that I would have gotten which makes it harder to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 11:51pm

I am so grateful for the insight you share with me. This guy will never remarry but he believes that marriage is a piece of paper and that two people can be together forever with out a licence. I agree to a

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 11:37am

When I was dating 2nd DH he did go out of his way to "court" me as far as sending me flowers, buying me cards for no reason--now not every guy is that romantic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 11:55am
What does your man do for you ? What kinds of things should a man add to your life ?

My boyfriend (note: we do not live together either) wants to be helpful. If I have a favor to ask, he happily does it. He doesn't offer to do something every day as we don't see each other everyday or do I need something done everyday. But if we have dinner together, he'll ask if he needs to buy anything from the store on the way home. Usually I have all the ingredients as I shop more than he does so I bring them over. Regardless, he still asks if he should get anything even though he knows I'm prepared most of the time. Then he offers to help chop/slice when I'm preparing it at his home, or he'll do the dishes. He will cook for me, but more often he takes me out for dinner or lunch.

I also go to school and work. I have a dog at home. I don't like her to be in the house for more than 8.5 hours, so if I need him to let her out for a potty if I have to work late, he'll happily do that because he loves her and I think he is her favorite person in the world.

We aren't very materialistic but every now and then he'll get me a gift and call it a "just because" gift and comment on how he should do that more often (I said sure!). I do the same for him.

He makes more than I do, so if we go on a trip or out to each he pays almost all of the time. I treat him to the smaller priced things that I can afford and he appreciates it.

I think it's the little things of respect that add up to make a good relationship. LIke John Gottman said, they are called positive bids and they can be small or big. Good relationships have 5 times more positive bids than negative bids. (A positive bid can be as simple as someone comments about an article in the paper they are reading and the other nods or smiles or comments back. Mocking it, saying nothing, or rolling eyes would be a negative bid.)

Do I feel spoiled? No, but I wouldn't want to feel that. That would mean to me that there are uneven levels, that one is higher up than the other. I want to feel respected, loved, and supported in my dreams/goals/life (aka not financially supported).
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 12:34pm

I like what Sienna said.