Confused about my role as second wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2011
Confused about my role as second wife
11
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 11:38pm

There are a few things that I have been facing and maybe am overreacting to...

1.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 10:48am

As far as the clothes issue, it's going to be beating a dead horse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 12:33pm
I think musiclover said it best. Buy some cheap clothes. If the kids are little, they won't care where it came from and yes, keep it at the house. Also, can you get hand-me-downs from friends or family? Or your own kids? Don't return the kids home in any of the clothes you bought.

As for the first issue. Here's my honest opinion. Your DH isn't over his XW and is very immature. Now, when I say, "isn't over her" I AM NOT saying he wants her back or wants to go back. What I'm saying is that there are feelings there, even if it's hate. And that's unhealthy, especially since he's remarried. I honestly don't know if you can do anything. As long as he's carrying around that anger, he won't ever see what he's doing as wrong. In fact, I bet he feels justified for doing it. And that's kinda scary. It would make me wary about what he'd do to me if he got angry enough.

So far, it sounds like your DH is justifying his actions and disregards how you feel about the situation. So, as our typical first suggestion, change the dance. By that I mean, you can't change him. You can ask him, beg him, till your blue in the face, but if he doesn't want to change the dance, then it leaves everything on you to try and change it. And by changing "it", I mean you. Not the stuff, not what he does. You need to see how you can maybe change the dance by adjusting your reaction or your way of thinking.

Instead of fighting him on the clothes, see if you can find hand-me-downs, or cheap stuff you can keep at the house. As for his Sat working, if that's not mandatory, he needs to be home with his kids. Visitation is for HIM to spend time with his kids, not his kids spending time at Dad's house with stepmom (and no, no offense to you, they may love you, but it's not the point).

With the photo. You could try telling him that you're afraid it's his true character showing through, someone set on vengeance, versus moving on. And you're worried he'd do something like that to you if you angered him too much, etc. He could say "no no no", but I'd just come back with, "I'm sure you would have told your xw that at one point too". If he doesn't care that it bothers you, then it'll be hard, because you're now meeting the real man he is deep down. You have to learn to accept that.

I've learned that how people treat their X's....is how they will treat you when you gain that title.

Sigh. Try to see how you can look at things differently. Or how you can handle things differently. It's not easy, but only you can change yourself. You cant change him or force him to see things your way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2010
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 12:51pm

I have to agree with Musiclover...

First, the posting of naked pictures of the ex on the internet...I believe it's highly illegal to do something like that, and I would think if they can trace it back to him (which they can through his computer's I.P. address) that he could be in some serious trouble legally.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 1:10pm

Welcome to the board!

I am little confused about the pictures, so I will wait to reply to that one.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2011
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 4:03pm

In reference to the visitations being changed, he and his ex had discussed that before he accepted the position that would require him to work Saturday's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2011
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 4:29pm
We never do have these discussions in front of the kids. That was an agreement we came to before we moved in together as well as one set of rules for all the kids. I have no problem with being an active part of his children's lives, and even made it clear when they wanted to call me mom that they have a mom and that might hurt her feelings, so now they have changed to calling me by the first to letters of my name and then ma at the end which is quite endearing. While I don't want to cause waves either, I just really feel that courtesy is a two way street, and if she is wanting me to take responsibility for her children when she knows that their father is at work she could at least be on time and have everything they need available to them.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 6:06pm
Your updates leave a little clearer picture now.

I agree that some leeway is fine, but bringing the kids 3 hours late without good reason is not something you should be expected to wait around for.

Just always remember that it is you that has a R with your DH, and he has a R with the xW. Any problems with her, are really his to deal with. Any problems between the two of them that bother you are really things you need to work out with him. None of it is really you and her. Hope that makes sense. :)

Sounds like you two are on the right track and if it gets too out of hand, he may have to go back to court to enforce what she agreed to in their D.

Good luck and I hope you stick around.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 8:19pm

I was going to suggest the same thing about her showing up late--no one should have the right to keep you waiting for hours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Mon, 04-25-2011 - 7:25pm

A trick I tried with the clothes scenario, is after the laundry was done hiding any of the clothes that I/we bought...Yes, it may sound childish, but I too, was annoyed with how things that were supposed to stay at our house didn't....Truthfully, as DSD has gotten older (14) she pretty much brings her own bag of stuff...It is rare we run into problems with it anymore, it also helps that she is far more concerned with "style" now and anything that I used to buy certainly wasn't going to fit into that category...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 10:07am
Regarding the clothes,---we bought used clothing store clothes for younger SK's here---

Yeah, I swear, the exW kept this grocery bag of TOO SMALL old clothes, that she sent each time---child could not squeeze into them, ---what a joke.....it involves washing what he came in to return him in---

hah---SO started doing this (dressing him in the used clothes here) for months and months without saying a word to exW-----
He had one 'good" outfit (bought new) we kept here. One weekend, child wore "good" outfit to family event, but didnt return home (here) before being taken back to mom's. Dad (SO) had child change clothes in the car. Hah. Apparently this changing the clothes in the car was a novel event for child, as he mentioned it to mom------hah! THEN mom finds out dad has "had clothes there for son all this time" , but "made her" go through "effort" of "packing" clothes for son each time----hah! she was livid...! (apparently she never noticed clothes were in the bag EXACTLY as she had sent them----------------------

because she never unpacked them, either............................hahah....it was just a grocery bag of old/small/worn out clothes going back and forth EOW!!


re: the internet pictures.....I would feel weird about someone who did that also....?

re: you being responsible for his kids while he works.....??.....those kids are going to his house to see HIM...........................if their INCONSIDERATION of your time is becoming an issue----I think you'd be OK to just be LESS RELIABLE re: changing your plans ........you are "plan A" for him, but DAD is really the one responsible for kids on his time,......so DAD can find a "plan B" when his/their inconsideration of your time is an issue------------I guess what I'm saying is dont be a martyr to "help" his kids---> and then become RESENTFUL of your sacrifices, to the detriment of your marriage. Instead---learn to say ,"No, sorry, I cant do that today"...and move on without guilt.

(((((((hugs))))))))

Pages