controlling person

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
controlling person
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 12:24am

I have been married to this person for 4 years, third marriage for him.   Lately he seems to try to convince me that something is wrong with me.   Today he began to point out that I missed a couple of steps on the dance floor, these are dances that I taught him and he has two left feet.  He is always putting other men down, commenting on their belly, their hair, the way they dress, etc.   It only takes a look or a few words for him to blow up.  He stopped one man at the dance one night and told him that he could not sing, and got mad when the man got on stage and sang anyway.  I am really concerned for I believe he could be dangerous.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 5:49am

A controlling man is a very insecure man.  He will do everything in his power to make another person feel lower than he feels.  This is a man who could be dangerous, but he hasn't gotten there yet.  He is in constant fear of being less than everyone else, so he will make others feel badly about themselves, again, so that he can look down on them.  There is a reason he was divorced twice before........because his wives wouldn't put up with him.......and you shouldn't either.  He's trying to make you feel bad about yourself, so he can feel better than you.  It's not going to stop, and it could escalate to much worse.

 The only thing that will fix him would be long and intensive therapy, and he'll never go for that......for fear of being confronted with his weakness.  Don't waste your life with this man......move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 11:27am

I agree--do you know why his other marriages ended?  My 2nd DH (now exH) has bipolar disorder.  His 1st DW died, his 2nd DW (who I didn't even know about) got divorced.  Of course then he would tell me that she did this & that but after we got divorced, his friends told me some stories about how mean he was to her--this was in front of them, so they didn't seem all that surprised that we got divorced too.  My ex would constantly put others down.  If we were in a restaurant or something, he would criticize men & women for the way they dressed or looked.  My ex was not a good looking guy so maybe that made  him feel better about himself.  He had a short temper and would get upset about trivial things.  Unfortunately it doesn't sound very good for your marriage.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 12:38pm

What a negative way to live.  Yuck! 

Some people are "the glass is half empty" kind of people and will tend to be attracted to "glass is half full" kind of people.  But there is a difference between being a pessimist and just plain mean.

Numerous reasons your DH might behave this way.  Maybe he can get help?  I don't know.  But only you know what you can and can't live with.  If you really done, I would start making an exit plan and consult a divorce attorney. 

If you are unsure, get some counseling of some kind and see if your DH will go with you.  If not, you probably have your answer. 

Hang in there, we all know how tough it is.

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sun, 11-17-2013 - 1:03pm
You need to divorce him. You have the proof now WHY he's been divorced 3 times now obviously because of his behavior. Either you spend another 4 yrs with this person or you get yourself a divorce from him now. HE will never change and it will bring your self-esteem down the longer you stay with this guy.