Crazy ex problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Crazy ex problems
5
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:50pm
I am about to be married, it is the second marriage for both. I have 2 grown sons, he has a daughter who is almost 20. My kids are thrilled for us, his says she is but I have my doubts.

The only disagreement we ever have is his ex wife. That woman is the most controlling person I have ever known. I can't stand her, he knows it but I do not show it to his daughter. The daughter thinks that we should be "one big happy family", inviting her mom for holidays and such. The woman has NO friends and there is good reason for that. She does have family that are near, I say she should have her holidays with them. The daughter knows that her mom has no friends and feels sorry for her.

They divorced when the daughter was out of high school and before she started college. They hadn't lived together for 2 years prior. The mom insisted on a visitation schedule and the judge agreed on it. How many of you have a visitation schedule for a kid over 18? Also, in the state where they divorced, child support continues until the kid is out of college, but, you can request that the child get it directly and not the parent. That is what he did so she would have living money at school. The mom was livid. She gets it anyway by charging her daughter a storage fee for storing her belongings that she couldn't take to school. When the daughter is home, she must buy all the groceries with her money and do all the cooking.

The woman abuses her daughter and it drives me crazy. She also abused her ex husband, my fiance'. He drank to deal with it, he quit after the divorce. Doesn't take a rocket scientist, does it? Problem is, they are so used to her going off, they will do anything to pacify her.

Daughter came home from college and she made her strip down so she could check for any tattoos or body piercings. And the daughter does it! Can't upset mom.

Daughter's car broke down, car is only worth about $1000 when running. She called her mom (car in moms name)and told her that she would be willing to spend $500 on repairing it and no more. Mom calls the repair shop and ok's $800 + and tells daughter that she won't help her pay for it. Then tells her that if she agreed to stay with her all summer and help around the house, she'll help some. Daughter was planning on spending part of the summer with her dad.

The dad tries to let the daughter make choices on the visitation, doesn't force her into any of it. Then he is hurt when the daughter chooses mom when it is his time, just to keep mom happy. It breaks my heart to see him hurt. He feels that she loves mom more than him. I told him that mom is just a squeeky wheel and gets all the oil.

It drives me crazy that no one will stand up to this woman. They tell me that I just don't understand how she is. What I understand is they have been conditioned for many years and are afraid of making a stand. The daughter made a comment about liking a TV show because it was true to life, family arguing and bickering all the time. It saddens me to think that is all she knows and thinks that everyone is like that.

Anyone else been thru this kind of thing? I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. There is much more but this post is long enough for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:28pm

Hi, I relate to your story.

Maggie  

"Success is a journey, not a destination"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:13pm

First of all, you need to pull yourself away from this relationship between the daughter and mother.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:33pm
I think you've hit the nail right on the head. I've said for a long time that sd will spend years in therapy because of her mom. Bf feels guilty for leaving his daughter with that woman but he was so concerned with getting himself out, he couldn't see beyond that.

He hopes that by giving her the choice, that at some point she will choose him. I don't see it happening. Bm will see to that.

I've often felt that the sd likes me but is afraid to like me. I know she likes everything that I've provided for her, family gatherings, food (bm doesn't cook at all) fun times with no arguing or fighting. Never happened in her family. But there is that attachment to bm. I don't expect her to cut all ties with her bm. My own mom drives me crazy, I'm closer to my sm. I don't wish my bm any harm and we talk on the phone often. I just can't handle her too close phyiscally. Only in small doses. I've tried to bring that up in conversation with sd without flat telling her this. Either she doesn't get the hint or just chooses not to.

I had really hoped with the sd went to college, she would see that her family life wasn't very "normal", unfortunately, she hasn't made many friends and the ones she has, they and their families are just as dysfunctinal. I guess you bond with like kinds. sigh.

It's a rough road and I just hope we all live thru it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:32pm

I was talking to Bob about how he did the same thing with his daughter.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:26pm
what a story...and you're going to have to deal with how they can't stand up to her for the rest of your marriage. This is part of the package. You can take care of you, but you can't force them into new behaviors. You can't change other people, only vent about it.

I wouldn't sign any contracts until this was resolved. It sounds like it's been driving you nuts already...imagine doing this for the rest of your life.