Dealing with his Ex (and baby's mother)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Dealing with his Ex (and baby's mother)
3
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 4:48pm
Can someone please give me some tips on how to deal with His Ex and baby's mother.

This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

Especially since she hates that we are together, and doesn't want the baby around me.

Help!
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The WeatherPixie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:26am
Hi,

This is a tough situation to be in. My recommendation is that you also post on the step-families boards to get the Bio-Mom's view on this. My other recommendation is that you starting discussing with your BF what you want out of your relationship with his child and BM (bio-mom) and let him do the leg work of making it happen. The truth of the matter is that these two people are parents to one child. You are not a parent to this child but another adult figure in his/her life. That is something that you will have to accept. No matter how bad of a parent you think the BM is, she is the "Mother" and you can never change that. Even if you have the child full-time.

You need to let your expectations be known about how you want to be treated by both the BM and the baby. Communicate this to your BF and let him handle all of the communication with the BM. More than likely, the BM is seeing you as a threat on multiple fronts and in reality your BF needs to tell her where you and he stand. If you were in her shoes and you didn't know what expectations you and BF have concerning the baby, wouldn't you react the same way and be all defensive?

Often-times, when there is open communication to the BM about where everyone stands, the BM is more willing to work with the step-parent instead of sabotaging the relationship. Just because you may think that your BF has already done this, chances are that it still did not satisfy BM. In which case if she is very immature, you are going to have to decide if you can live with a lifetime of this nonesense. Otherwise, it will just take time for everyone to be comfortable with their roles going forward.

Good luck. I wouldn't suggest any drastic action/reaction on your part. Communicate to your BF your wants/needs and give him your support so that he can carry out your wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:13am
I've never posted here before but I can tell you that it will get better. My DSO's EX hated me and didn't want me around her son. Now, I live with my DSO and we have joint custody. For a whole year he waited until I met his son.....and she totally flipped out when that happened. Seriously, she TOTALLY freaked. Last night was his first soccer game (he is 4 years old) - DSO and I and his EX, her brother, her mother and her father were all at the field. She & I can hold conversations now about DSS and get along quite well. She even thanked me last week and gave me a hug and said how sorry she was about all the sh#! that she put me through, that she's glad I'm in his life and how appreciative she is for everything that I do for him. Trust me - I never thought this would happen. Give it time, be paitent and most importantly, "be the bigger person".

Nik.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 5:35pm
Hi,I usually just lurk on the boards my favorite one is Stepparenting under Parentsoup. I think youll get lots of good advice and ideas on how to handle your situation. I know from experience it does get better. I have been with my DH for almost 8 yrs now and when we met his son was 2 yrs - it was hard but it does get easier. Good Luck.