Dealing with "prospective" stepmom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Dealing with "prospective" stepmom?
12
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 8:19pm
Ok, this may seem silly or trivial at this point but I am wondering how you all dealt with or are dealing with having step-parents in the picture after a divorce?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 9:20pm
Even though it was not right away after the div, I did have those feelings of jealousy about maybe the kids would like the SM more than me--it never happened. It was kind of awkward when we met the 1st time because she came to my house, I don't remember why but I think she had to pick up my ex for some reason. But it's been a long time now (like 7 yrs since they got married) so by now I'm used to it or her, I should say and I actually like her. I do think the thing you should try to focus on is that it's actually much better if the SM likes your kids & vice versa. I was in a situation where my kids didn't like my 2nd DH and he was kind of difficult w/ them and it's just a lot of stress for everybody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:02am

Hi and welcome.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:09am
Thank you musiclover!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:11am
Thank you Pam!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:24am

To be honest, I wouldn't even trust a mother who

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 11:02am
Well,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 11:41am

Did I say my ex says that?

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 2:50pm

Definately both sides of that here on this board.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 7:39am
I think your feelings and concerns are valid for now and it is good that you are examining the reasons for these concerns. I just wanted to add that although there will always be stories about THE EVIL SM there are also many of us who welcome the children into our lives as family,have no intent of replacing your role of mom,and if given half a chance could be an asset to you and your child's lives. I did not become a SM until after my own children were grown and then married DH who's children were also grown. With this marriage I inherited 30 yrs. of unresolved issues between their parents and the same attitudes and actions that had caused so many problems with DH other 2 wives. There are many things he and BM could have done in the past to stop the vicious cycle but did not. Only recently does he seem to have an awareness of how the vindictiveness,and unresolved issues contributed to so many other problems. I am the SM and SGP who has backed away from the entire situation due to problems it had caused in our marriage and I will continue to have no contact with them until I feel their issues are resolved and their dance has changed. As a SM being treated with respect would have been nice, not expecting entitlement to compareable assets of my time and finances as my children,and complaints of how past SM was a b.... led me to believe that this was a problem started and fueled by the parents yrs. ago. Keep an open mind,resolve your issues so the children are not carrying the torch of resentment for you 30 yrs. later as these children have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:19pm

As a new stepmom I can give you the following tips for trying to co-parent with a complete and utter stranger:

1 - Be open and forthcoming with the new person - include her the way you would a babysitter or teacher - she needs to know certain things about your children and you can't count on your ex to clue her in.

2 - Try to include her on the parenting "team" - the more communication the better it will be for your child.

3 - As for the jealousy - remember - this isn't about YOU - it's about doing the smoothest and best thing for your children. I know it's hard but you have to try to keep your feelings out of the equation.

4 - Don't leave her to mop up parenting messes. There are certain things that ONLY you and your ex should be handling.

Hopefully your own life will move on - and you will integrate your own new man into the mix.

Wishing you happy trails!

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