In desperate need of help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In desperate need of help.
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 6:42pm

I have been divorced for almost 4 years now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 9:20pm

First of all, I agree w/ you that corporal punishment is inappropriate--secondly I think that your BF should not be doling out any punishmen at all--he is not even the stepfather.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 5:12am
I agree with music your DF needs to really consider backing waaaay off...he is not the parent. I have definitely learned in my 6 years with SO that I can voice any concerns I have directly to him with regards to the kids, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've tried to address any issues directly with any of the kids...plain and simple it's his job not mine (even if I may disagree from time to time about how is handling a parenting issue). I also agree that getting your son some counseling is a good idea...maybe all of you should go for some help with "blending" families...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 9:49am
Hi Kathy---

(((((hugs!!)))) to you!

FIrst of all---YES!---"How to talk...." is a TERRIFIC book!

And here's even better news----there is a WORKSHOP on that book you can attend----PLEASE ask the counselor if he/she has any info on where you and your DF might attend such a workshop------attending that will REALLY help your DF "buy into" how this actually WORKS! ----if both you and DF started phrasing things that way, I really do believe there would be a huge difference seen----and the thing I loved about it---it actually made your life SIMPLIER----KWIM? You're actually saying LESS things----but attending an interactive workshop WiTH YOUR DF would be HUGELY beneficial (IMO, anyhow!)

However, what that book/program DOESNT do is navigate the waters of "blended families"-----and one cardinal rule is that the bioparent does the disciplining of his/her own kid-----------------however, one issue may simply be that your DF sees some things you allow as not being "allowable" behaviors---so that's really an issue of expectations to work out between the two of you---unfortunately you're kind of in the middle of things now.....but, so it is.

One HUGE benefit I see to YOU in taking your son to counselor is that this will give you third party "recommendation" to state to your DF re: ways DF's involvement might need to change.........kwim?

I'm wondering how long it has been since your DF actually lived in the same household as his kids? Because it's easy for us to say, "My kids would never do _____"----and to be real non-tolerant of other kids who do _________.......but most of us sheepishly learn (eventually) ....that, ....dispite best intentions....our kids WILL do _______, least once or twice......(I'm wondering if since he hasnt been living with them that much he hasnt had this humbling experience too much yet). Also, he might have been extremely authortarian with them when he lived with them, so perhaps they really DIDNT step out of line, .....but that's not necessarily healthy, either.......

But that's another topic.....

The issue is you and your kids and YOUR HOME.

Actually, I'm glad to go back and see he actually HAS his own home yet, just spends nights at yours. So, actuallly this is PERFECT time to work on this.

Tell DF you want to get things set to go more harmonously for when you're married------ALSO, be sure to tell your son this visiting a counselor it primarily to help YOU make the home environment happier for HIM as well as the rest of the family! (IMO, this is God's honest TRUTH!)

looking forward to hearing more from you------keep us updated!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 9:58am
I see you mention your DF has reservations now re: your relationship working because of this----again, perfect time to just take a step backwards and work on issues before moving forward more--------eg, perfect time for him to go back to spending nights at his own house, and you and he 'dating" more, while you work with counselor at setting "house rules", expectations, etc.

What's the plan once married? eg.---he moves to your place, or you all move to a different place, etc? Those are other issues to work through changes that will occur in son's life as a result of this with counselor.

BEST WISHES!---it's a difficult situation, but your post shows what a caring mom you are! ((((((((more hugs!!)))))))))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2011
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 11:12am

I agree with bellab.

Anna wife to Sam, mom to my 3 sons, and stepmom to Sam's 2 daughters :) Work from home and love it -
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 1:25pm

Welcome Kathy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 5:34pm
Hi Kathy,

Everyone here has given you some good advice. You son is very upset about the changes that are happing and is obviously feeling isolated in some way or scared in some way. Punishing him is the complete opposite of what he needs right now. It will only serve to further isolate him. Lots of reassurance that he is loved and not being replaced in anyway is important.

Now that your fiance was physical with him he is probably scared and angry which he has a right to be. He is small and young and is not match for a grown man holding him down. I think your fiance should apologize to him and try to create an emotional bond. Engagement in your son's life and caring about the things he cares about is important. Maybe your fiance could engage with your son on some things that are important to your son.

Most parents hit out of anger and frustration not because a child has put himself in harms way.

Making sure you fiance is never physical with your son again is very important. Your son may be feeling left out or feel like he is being replaced. He could be worried that you are not going to pay enough attention to him. Love and reassurance is important. It will be important for you and your fiance to sit down with him and promise him that he will not be hit or physically held down ever again.

All the best,
Donna Deming, Life Coach
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 6:47pm

I relate to your situation quite a bit!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 08-27-2011 - 9:43am

I can totally relate to YOU as my ex also was one to go ballistic on my daughters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Sun, 08-28-2011 - 1:03pm

Thank you!