Dilema

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Dilema
16
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 4:17pm

Advice and words of wisdom / encouragement welcome.


As i've stated my BF moved in with me.... but i never wanted to live with someone before getting married. this all sorta happened so fast. It's nice having him over and he is very helpful... but something in me feels like we are doing things backwards... that marriage should come before all of the stuff that is happenning now.


He and I have talked about this. he wants to marry me. But i told him that i want a ring first. I want a wedding. BUT before all of that, I want to get thru the "100 Questions"

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: loonybunny
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 6:03pm

This is what happens when we

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: loonybunny
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:59pm

I think there are 2 big issues here: The first one is that you feel that you don't totally know him & aren't sure of the commitment--that's one that you should pay attention to. I know you are Christian & might not feel right about living together but you shouldn't jump into marriage if you aren't really sure about it just because you feel funny. How would you feel about getting divorced again? I bet even worse.

The thing about the ring & wedding--well I know you said you never had them before but they aren't really important in the long run. He could buy you an anniversary ring some day or you could have a big party later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: loonybunny
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 10:35pm

i wish i knew the answer.


he asked me "what is your solution?" I said first let's finish the questions book. So he was willing to complete chapter 2 with me, etc. But mostly he feels the book is BS. Psychological mumbo jumbo. I saw it as a way to learn about each other and therefore draw closer to each other. Since he said he sees it as mumbo jumbo, i feel he's just going thru the motions. And therefore, i no longer feel like it is a means to get closer.... But i'm willing to keep at it. It's the only things i have right now.


From his perspective, he said he has "stepped up". He has taken a sense of ownership over the house and over the well-being of the children. He wants to make sure they are ready for school. ..that their bedrooms are organized. That a babysitter is setup for when he needs to leave for his work.


I have lots of internal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
In reply to: loonybunny
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 10:50pm

Since he feels the book is mmbo jumbo,


and since you want a ring,


and a christain marriage/wedding, etc


and he's helping out and wanting marriage as well.........


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 9:14am

LB,


Everyone else has put in some good advice, thrown out some ideas.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: loonybunny
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:01pm

Pam said...


You have been around the board long enough to know that I try to put the point across that expectations just lead to frustration and resentment.

Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: loonybunny
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 10:12pm

Not feeling settled internally is an inside job yes? It has little to do with what he does or does not do. Do you agree?

You have issues of having a partner who wants their way or the highway yes? You are looking for your BF to reassure you that he is not like that. You want "leverage" as an escape hatch in the relationship.

Part of that reassurance is having him change his behavior from being self reliant, i.e. doing everything himself without any help or inclusion to involving you in his (and both of your) tasks and activities. True?

The other reassurance is having him buy a ring for you. This will also help prove to you that he is not like your ex.

Finishing that book together is another hoop he has to jump through to reassure you don't you think?

I would find it hard to be in relationship with someone like you for I would think I'd be always trying to prove that I am not like your ex. I would be waiting for the next King Arthur task to be laid down in order to prove my worthiness.

So what do you do? Create that place of peace inside and live in the present moment of enjoying who he is, what he is, how he is and not bring your baggage along.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: loonybunny
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 10:47pm

thanks Mark. You have made some really good points. And i'm beginning to see the things i need to work on internally vs the external things. I think this has to do with the "chip". I have internal work to do, yes, I agree.


thanks.


Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: loonybunny
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 11:15pm

i really appreciate this board and the nonjudgemental perspectives. it has been very helpful.


I have isolated one of my feelings..... and that is a need to feel safe.


i think a ring symbolizes that safety. (as does marriage). living together but not married feels unsafe and i need to come to terms with it. Maybe there is another way for me to feel safe. i don't know.


Expectations. hmm. yes i do have them. I feel that since i have spoken those expectations to him that is a good thing. But as serenity said, some times even after we've spoken them, the other person feels differently. And i need to be open to that as well...


He and I made it thru the chapter on Money.... which he did not want to do. In fact, he said, can we skip that chapter? I said, that

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
In reply to: loonybunny
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:52am

Mark wrote a really good post.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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