Divorced and ex says she is still in love with me but won't commit help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Divorced and ex says she is still in love with me but won't commit help!!
14
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 12:41pm

So here is my dilema my ex and I separated a year ago April and divorced in Feb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I somehow think this is one of those situations where she thought divorce was a good idea until you moved on, then she got jealous--it doesn't mean that you 2 should get back together.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

I agree with Music.

Serenity
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Hi

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2011

Dude...(I can say that, after being married and widowed...) anyways - It looks like you have taken all the action necessary that any right-minded partner would expect. Counseling, self help, books. Very few people take those actions for any kind of help. I can imagine what you're going through. Man, that's rough, especially with her still connected to the other guy.

Determine first what you expect of her for a commitment. I would think that she had let the other guy go. Until then, any relationship with you is just fun. If that's what you're after, OK then.

If she doesn't budge, and won't meet your requirements, then you've gotta let her go. Tough, I know. Otherwise you will be in pain until then.

Dennis and Kids

"What happens when a Widowed Dad raises 3 young children and runs a business at the same time?" visit http://bit.ly/WinYourFreedom
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
I always liked this quote, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I think you should allow her to finish up school and let her decide where she wants to move afterwards. I think that will be very telling for you. During this time, I think you should date (don't get too serious), see what is out there, and let her make her choice.

Like a death, there are stages of grief. I think she hasn't processed all the stages and is stuck in the "anger and bargaining" stage. She was angry at you for dating and moving on basically, so she started bargaining with you to stick around. It's common. I remember telling my xh, "I hate you, I want to be with you" I was so confused.

I say, give her space. Be a friend, NOT a lover/bf. Let her choose. But during all this, I suggest you get yourself together and also work on moving past the r'ship.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Mryota,

I've seen your posts on Surviving Divorce also. Divorce is a very, very difficult process to survive. There's lots of regrets on both sides and for a time afterward a feeling that something different could have happened to prevent it from occuring in the first place.

I agree with the others that both you and your EX are probably experiencing "buyers remorse" since the divorce occured. It's natural after you've had some time apart and perspective to think, "Gee, maybe we were too hasty or maybe we should have done this or talked about that." It's also normal for either partner to feel jealous of a new relationship. It's another indicator that the marriage is over (or not!).

It takes a long time to heal from rejection and divorce is one giant rejection for both parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008

First off thank you to all who have answered as I appreciate your insight and feedback. To update her and I have had a long talk 1 she is still scared of the past and rightfully so for my verbal abuse I put her through. All I have asked from her is to try and not focus as much on the past as the here and now and future. She has stated she knows I have changed for the better and appreciates that and so I have told her to try and think about that vs the past. 2 yes she still is friends with her EX BF though I don't always understand why but she simply states she still has feelings for him but knows they can't be together he has too many issues. 3. We are taking a break so she can figure herself out and what she feels and wants and as hard as this is for me I understand and support her and agree to work at our friendship. She said I was moving too fast which is probably very true as I was overwhelmed with emotion when she told me how she felt back in early April and everything seemed to be going so perfectly that I was even willing to move back where she lives so we could work on us.

Now in regards to those who thought I should date I appreciate your opinion however this just isn't me. Yes I realize I am letting her know that I am here and readily available for her to take whenever she wants and I have stated as much to her. We have both sworn to remain faithful and loyal to one another until she decides what she wants in life. I don't want to get another woman's hopes up or have any type of intimacy with another when my heart belongs to her. I have things I can work on myself without dating another woman and having any potential future drama between the ex and I, the date and I etc. Not to mention I can keep the money I would use for dating for better purposes.

I will be visiting the ex and the kids a minimum of 1 night per month as a stay over night so that I can attend counseling with my son and we even have a family session scheduled for June. I intend to return to counseling just to help keep me level headed and on the right path and deal with any other emotional issues I feel pertinent.

All I know at this point is I feel strongly that I am following my heart. I am being very supportive of her and at the same time working at a friendship with the person who was once my best friend. I don't know what the future holds but am hoping for the best. I can only hope she see's me for who I am now and not who I used to be and work everyday to prove that to her a little bit at a time whether be through daily compliments or being her emotional outlet when she needs one...thanks again and wish me luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011

Amazing how your story sounds so similar to mine. Mine is from the woman's perspective. And, i recently broke up with a boyfriend at about the same time that my EX from 6 years ago contacted me. the ex and i have been talking and texting. He says he has always believed that one day we'd have a second chance.

The difference for me is that i'm not wanting to see the recent exboyfriend. He's out of the picture. So, my ex from 6 years ago and I are going to see where things go. We are discovering how we each have grown in the last 6 years and hoping that we have learned from our past mistakes. I like to take baby steps and the ex wants to jump right in. But he is supporting me in whatever i want to do and the pacing i want to set.

Anyway, just wanted to wish you luck and i think it's great that you are following your heart.

Lil Pepper

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008

Thanks Lil Pepper,

I can only hope following my heart doesn't leave it in lil pieces again, hope all works out well with you and your Ex as well.

So let me pose this question to all of you out there, am I crazy to think my ex is nuts to wanna be friends with someone who doesn't want us to be friends when we have kids together and 12+ yrs history ( she says he is becoming more accepting of it lately and wishes he and his ex were more like us) who wouldn't take his own kids to get their mother a mothers day card, who is jealous of people liking photos of her on facebook when they aren't even together n who has many a times nagged her about things in the past while they aren't together?? Am I crazy here I realize she has feelings for him and they don't go away overnight but come on this guy to me is half nuts lol and I just don't see why she wants to associate with this person would love all your feedback thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>I can only hope following my heart doesn't leave it in lil pieces again<<

What do you mean about having a broken heart "again"?

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