Does this make me a terrible person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Does this make me a terrible person?
16
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 1:48pm

  After suffering much depression at Christmas last year (long story some of you already know), I had decided to go to AZ and spend THIS Christmas with my family I'm close to there (aunt & uncle, cousins, nieces, etc...). But, NOW, my oldest 2 DDs who live on opposite coasts are coming home, so, of course, I will stay put.  Now here's where my guilt feelings come in:

I have decided to go to AZ for Thanksgiving instead.  I've told dh as much as I'd love for him to go with me, I understand if he doesn't.  His 3 adult sons have nowhere else to go for the holidays, so he feels he needs to stay home for THEM.  Do you all think that at ages 20, 30 and 31 that a parent should feel this kind of obligation to their children? Granted, is oldest son IS mentally ill, so will never have anywhere else to go but his father's house, but SS30 lives 8 hours away and who knows if he WILL come home since he has no license and no car, so has to take the bus, and SS20 (hooray!) is joining the military, so may not be home.  I want to scream sometimes because they should have their own lives by now and dh should be free to make choices regarding himself and NOT feel so obligated to THEM.  I don't my children, but I know they'd rather be with their father's family anyway, so know it won't matter.  Last year, it was me and HIS kids at the holidays which it usually is and I was SO depressed.  He knew it, so is pretty ok with me leaving at Thanksgiving yet makes little comments that make me feel a bit selfish.  

My feeling is that dh probably had always hoped he'd find a woman who was as devoted to his children as he is.  Sorry...that woman is not me.  He says sometimes that if anything happens to him, his sons will have noone.  He knows I would move to AZ, as I was going to do after my divorce if anything were to happen to him which would leave his sons with noone.  (Their mother lives 5 hours away and is mentally ill, but doing better from what I've heard.)  I do not feel close to his kids at all and honestly, dh has nothing in common with them and gets depressed at how they've turned out.  

Anyway, my question is...does it make me a terrible person to do what I need to do in order to be happy and survive the holidays or am I not thinking enough of dh?  I think it would do him good to come with me and be part of me and my family and get away from his kids.  

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Mon, 07-08-2013 - 12:09pm

  I interviewed with the financial advisors my boss referred me to (and me to them) and accepted their job offer today.  I have applied and interviewed for several in the last few years and even got second interviews at many of them (including a real estate office), but nothing ever came of any of them.  I think in this town, I was at a point of making too much for an admin position, so noone wants to pay more than entry level.  With the advisors I will only get 2 weeks of PTO (I was up to 5 at my other job) and there are no benefits (which is ok as I'm on my dh's), so I asked for almost as much an hour as I was making before and they agreed.  I figure noone else in our small city would do that since they don't know me personally.  In our city, it's not "what you know", but "WHO you know".  Most jobs seemed to be filled by word of mouth as this one is, but finally THIS time it's ME.  :)  I like the advisors and their assistant and feel I will be happy there, so am really glad I lost my old job.  I may have lost some benefits and PTO, but I admit, I WAS unhappy there, so feel much happier already.  :) Now, we just need to agree on when I will start.  I have made some plans with friends this week, so hope they will let me start next week.  I am still on severence til the end of July, so it's not like I'm broke.  I admit though, I'm already chomping at the bit to get back to work.  Staying home just isn't for me since my kids are grown and live in a condo.  Boring...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-08-2013 - 1:03pm

Good luck with your new job.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-08-2013 - 5:09pm

Oh my!  Miss a few days and you have already lost and got a new job!

I do think this was a blessing.  I don't talk about it too much here, but I have had the same job at a CPA firm since I was 18 and my boss will have to retire one of these days.  He is going to be 73 this summer.  I truly have no idea what will happen with the firm.  I also make a wage that without a degree, would be hard to come by anywhere else. 

SO, I don't understand why they put you through all of the training though.  Why weren't they honest with you in the beginning?  I suppose they simply had not decided what to do until the last minute.  I don't know.  Mute point now I suppose.

I am so excited that you found something else already!  This is one reason I have been going to school.  The day will eventually come here, and although a 2 year degree won't make a huge difference (If I ever finish!), at least I feel like I am in motion towards something.  Even if I don't finish anything school wise, I have learned a lot of great basic stuff.

I do feel for your DH.  That has got to be a tough spot.  I hope with time, as his kids get older, you two can do more together around the holidays without one of you feeling like the comprimise is one sided. 

Hugs....

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Mon, 07-08-2013 - 8:57pm

Yes...it's been quite a whirlwind the last couple weeks!  I admit, there were other options I would have liked to have explored and actually applied online to a college, our local school district and a new hotel here in town.  Maybe I'd get a call eventually for any of those jobs, but maybe not.  I don't know.  So, THERE was my dilemna.  I would have had unemployment til the end of the year and had time to get another job, but, with a job basically just being handed to me...I just couldn't refuse.  Plus, I asked God for guidance and everyone I talked to whom I respect, told me I should take it, so I took that as a sign.  I even listened to dh who told me to ask for even a little MORE in pay since there were no benefits and I was taking such a cut in PTO.  He said they'd agree, but I was anxious about doing it.  I did though and they agreed!  :)  It wasn't much more, but enough to make me happier.  I still make squat, but it's enough to keep me flying to see my family.  :)  Speaking of traveling, dh has agreed to go to AZ for Thanksgiving with me.  I told him I'm buying the tickets next month since we all know they just get more expensive as the holidays get closer.  So, good news all the way around!  I also don't have to start my new job til next Monday, so already spent today with a friend who just moved into a new house, am having coffee with friends tomorrow morning, lunch with a friend Thursday and lunch with DD21 on Friday.  My week is full and I'm having a ball.  Having 2 unexpected weeks off has been wonderful, but, again...I couldn' t do it permanently. 

Your degree should help as it says to an employer that you started something hard and finished it.  THAT says alot about a person.  I have a bachelor's degree in education, but have chosen not to teach.  Subbed for 2 years and hated it.  BUT, I know I could get a Client Support job at the insurance company where wife #2 works and the same company that fired the ex, so...no.  It's a big company and pays better PLUS benefits, but dh understands why I wouldn't even consider it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 6:56pm

Don't get in the way of his relationship with his kids.  Go where you want to for the holidays, but don't pressure him to do the same.  The dynamics between your husband and his kids are their business, and theirs alone.

If I had kids, I wouldn't marry someone who couldn't get along with them, but he obviously made the decision to do that.  I worked extremely hard to establish good relationships with my wife's adult kids, and they did the same with me, so it worked out well for us.  I wouldn't have felt right marrying her if it hadn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 3:15pm

  I didn't pressure dh, but, in the end he has decided to go.  I was fine going alone, but did remind him how many holidays I've spent with HIS family because they are closer, but, once in a while, he needs to get to know MY family.  I'm glad he heard me.

I agree with you...dh and I have a hard time because we don't care for each other's children.  I thought since they were adults and gone, we'd have an easier time of it.  On a day to day basis we do, but the holidays are extremely difficult with MY daughters preferring their father & his family to me and dh and HIS sons having nowhere else to go.  It's hardest on me, so he understands my need to go be with my extended family now and then.  He honestly wishes his sons had somewhere else to go, so he didn't feel  so obligated to stay home.

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