Engaged for too long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2012
Engaged for too long
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 1:08am
New to the Forum and would like some advice. I met my Fiancé 10 years ago and moved in 1 year later, together with our children (2 from his previous marriage and 2 from mine). The first 2 and half years were spent fighting his divorce and with financial difficulties. My SD, now 21 has always had difficulty getting along with her mother. At first we got along great but when the time came to say no to some of her requests and behavior, she simply disrespected me. Unfortunately she is Daddy's girl and he failed to discipline her and maintain respect in the house. She moved out of our home 4 times. First to live with her aunt (from her mother's side) with whom similar problems occurred. She moved back to our house under my Fiancé's promises that he would keep her in check but it was shortly lived. She then moved to her grandmother's (my Fiancés' mother) with whom problem arose again. Subsequently she moved in with her BF and 6 months after had problems with him also. She now lives on her own. My Fiancé has suggested from time to time for her to move back in with us to which I have responded NO. On a good note the kids get along great.

We got engaged after his diviorce but nothing has happen since. During the last 9 years there has been many disagreements due to financial issues and the managing of the children, as well as, loyalties chosen. I have a financial background and believe in instilling responsibility and awarding good behavior. He on the other hand, has made progress but had tremendous difficult managing money and spoiled the kids often contrary to my wish and undeservingly due to guilt (so he says). These issues together with the much needed discussions around fair financial planning and his and persistence that what is mine is ours and what is his is his childrens, have been in the way of marriage. My family have knowledge of the differences and the unfair lifestyle my children and I have lived vs him and his children. He had assets when we met but was in financial distress due to mismanagement and the divorce proceedings. I have helped him re-structure finances and contributed to his business. The house is registered to my name and the business ( real estate holdings) to his. I contribute equally to the household expenses.

To add to the dilemma, I have neglected garherings with my family out of respect for my Fiancé, as they have developed a disliking for him but similar situations have occured with respect to his family and he does not do the same for me. All of the above left me with sadness for a ling time but ultimately has turned into frustration and resentment. I am still in this relationship because I love him, overall there has been some improvements noted and I don't want to go through another separation. During the last few years, I have explicitly shown my frustration with his poor choices and lack of commitment. He in return has used my expression of discontentment as an excuse not to make any progress in his commitment, adding that eventually he wants to get married. But nothing happens. It has gotten to the point that so much resentment has been built, it is impossible to talk about the subject without arguing.

I must admit that I love him but I feel that my wishes have been so often neglected and minimized, the magic is gone. Having said this, being married was always in my agenda and I made no secrecy of this right from the start. It is his nature to give in to pressure from family, kids or me into making decisions but this is one that I would much rather see him excited about. I would want my family to attend whatever arrangement is planned but under the current circumstances it will be difficult. I am mostly mad that he let kids, money and family issues get in the way of our well being and has had negative results in our relationship. Consequently the opportunity to have a pleasant and exciting celebration has been lost. Any advice would be appreciated...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2012
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 10:34am

Have you considered counseling??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 10:40am

Wow, from reading this I am not sure why you would want to marry him. He is financially irresponsible, you are not on the same page as far as the kids go, and he has seperated you from your family. I would be running away.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 11:54am
Welcome to the board!

Boy, lots going on with you both. For what it is worth, I have been with SO for 6 years now, most of that living together. Laurena, here on the board, has been "engaged" for many years.

The difference is though that we are okay not being married.

Because there is so much meat to your post, I will just touch on one thing for now, and that is that you feel you are neglecting your family out of "respect" for your DF. Unless there is more to the story, and one of your family members did something truly horrible to your DF, I feel it is important to keep a connection to your family.

My SO struggles at my family gatherings, so often he does not attend. I go ahead on my own, and we are both OK with that. My perspective is that me and SO respect eachothers feelings on the matter. I do not take it personal that he does not want to come, and he does not take it personal that I want to go without him.

With that said, we have tweaked this last Thanksgiving and Christmas a bit to accomodate our "family" at home without forcing me to choose. SO repsects how important my family is to me and simply asks that we compromise.

Point being, this is one area, IMO, that you should look at. It could eliminate at least one of your resentments.

As far as getting M, I don't know what you should. As you are already experiencing, not all of the kid problems go away when the kids are grown.

We can only change ourselves. So much more I could say, but I will stop for now. I may post more later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 7:41pm

I agree, Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 7:26pm

I think one of the things I took away from your post was that your DF doesn't seem to have internalized the idea of compromise in various parts of your relationship.