EW of 25 years shows up, what to do

Avatar for ihopeforpeace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
EW of 25 years shows up, what to do
11
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:58am

Hello,


I am new on this board, I will really appreciate your opinion about this strange problem that showed up on my marriage. We are married for 23 years, it is my husbands second marriage and my first.


my husband divorced his first wife 25 years ago after she had an affair and left him for her new boyfriend. they had not been intouch since than, they don't have any children in common or anything else and they live in different countries.


since she married she had 2 children and then divorced her second husband after he cheated on her. now she is married for the third time and had a tragedy were her daughter died.


apparently after that tragedy her life changed, she became a religious believer and is repenting for all her life sins.


Due to that she is contacting my husband and his family which she didn't contact for 25 years and asked him for forgiveness. he told her that he forgives her since his life is completely in another direction and has nothing to do with her.


this thing is that she keeps writing to him about her misery and he wants to write to her back but he does not know what to write and keeps thinking about her.


My question is, does it sound normal that an ex-wife will try to re-connect 25 years after with her problems which are really bad but have nothing to do with us? could something like this add problems to our marriage that was not easy anyway? things from that old marriage have interfered in the begriming of our marriage and I worked hard to become wife "number one" who gave him everything he has today.


what will you do in my place? would you let your husband be in contact with his ex wife from 25 years ago and her problems? how can you convince him not to? should i have pity for her?


he says that it has no real meaning for him it is just like an old friend.


please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 7:15am
If anyone from 25 yrs. in my past were to unexpectedly contact me expressing their apologies for hurts caused I could understand returning a brief letter to say "No ill feelings,I have moved on in life. Wish the best for you in your life also." That would be the end of communication. It sounds like she has unloaded her entire life history of misfortune into the situation. That was not needed for a simple apology. I would also wonder how someone so far in the past got the address to start contact. It is sad that she has experienced these hurts in her life but she has her own circle of friends and family to turn to.
Avatar for ihopeforpeace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 7:50am

Yes, it is a very strange situation, she got my husbands email through my sister inlaw on Facebook, she first contacted her and she tries to be in touch with her to telling her about her misfortunes. It sounds like she is trying to get attention to her problems. my concern is that my husband will write her back and it will encourage her to write more and her misery will keep being part of our life as it it has been since the first time of 3 that she wrote. I considered myself lucky to have found my husband with a faraway ex without common children and now after so many years it feels like a ghost that came out of the attic.


I must say that I am really sorry for her as human being but in this case I am considering my

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 8:05am
It would seem better for your husband to be the one that lets her know that continued contact is not wanted. Maybe he just has not thought ahead enough to realize that this could cause problems down the road and that no matter what her problems are, he is not the one to be fixing them. Has he considered how he would feel if you started up contact with every old flame from the past-just because they had the nerve to get in contact with you and they needed a shoulder to cry on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 8:25am

Good advice.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Avatar for ihopeforpeace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 7:11am

Thank you very much for your good advice, in this situations one can't concentrate very welll.


you are right I won't write to her anything, I think my husband is getting convinced that she is a wako and he did not reply her last mail yet. He is not a sensitive caring person so the more she will keep crying on his shoulder the more he will avoid the communication. He shows me the mails because he apparently wants to hear my oppinion which is good but he thinks that it is his problem not mine.


my sister in law gave me a story of how they were good friends in the past so she has no problem being in contact with her.


If you have anymore ideas of what to do i will appreciate it


Love


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 8:45am

Ugh.......(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))...I wouldnt like being in your situation, either.

Avatar for ihopeforpeace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:04am

Hi Laurean, your post sounds like you have been reading my mind...


everything you described has to do with the situation and how I feel. The woman is depressed since her daughter from her second marriage was killed and she is looking for comfort in religion, that is why she has to ask for forgiveness of the fact that she cheated on my husband and left him to marry her second husband who in turn cheated on her... this story is like a soap opera... she is feeling a lot of guilt and remorse. In the begriming I was feeling kind of jealous until i realized we are dealing with a big problem that has nothing to do with romance but with human tragedy. The thing is that i do not need my husbands "dirty laundry" in my marriage, and the woman does not realize that she has to ask me for an apology because she bumped into my marriage... maybe it sounds selfish... but from your answer and the other friends answers I see you all understand what I am trying to say.


for now he did not answer back her last 2 mails, I hope he will forget about it and that she will not write again, I could block her but I if he finds out it will not be very pleasant.


I guess life is unpredictable,,,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 9:19am

BIG HUGS!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 10:07am

The best thing IMHO would be that your husband tells his exW once that she need not contact him again as he is in no place to help her and IF she continues to , let him ignore.I am sure he knows how to handle her.Ignoring her is the best solution.How long will she continue w/o any response from your husband? Not long enuf.

What she needs is a way in so she will try every trick ( or method )in the book but if it is received with no response ,she will eventually go. I wouldnt take her as a threat rather pity her and then tell myself that I am not running a women's shelter to listen or help her in any way.

Its great that she is not living close by but dont underestimate the internet.If she is desperate she will try to be where he is -- facebook,twitter,friends etc. I am not trying to overwhelm you but just something to consider.Your husband needs to take a stand and ignore as every time he ignores,its a failed plan for her.

She will feed on contact so dont give her that!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:27pm

Ditto pretty much everything that has already been said.


Don't contact her yourself.

Serenity

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