falling apart because of him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
falling apart because of him
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 8:48am

I am not even sure where to start here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 9:04am


The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 9:14am


((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you.

I think you start (at this point) by going to a counselor yourself, and let them help you sort things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 10:35am

Now when you said that you were the breadwinner, I thought your DH wasn't working but then apparently he does have a full time job, so maybe you just mean that you make more? It's funny but there was a post recently on the Surviving Divorce board where a guy wrote in to say that he didn't understand why his DW wanted to leave him because he could only work a lower paying job, despite trying to get better ones, so once she got a good job for herself, it was like she looked down on him. Now I'm not saying that you are like that, but it's interesting to hear it from the guy's perspective, like "she only wanted me for my money, but when I didn't live up to that, nothing else mattered." So I do wonder though if both of you are working full time, the kids must be in daycare, so who is taking care of the household chores? I do think that if you are doing it all, in addition to working, that is a big problem. Maybe he doesn't want to get a 2nd job because he doesn't want to be in a situation where he can't spend any time w/ his kids? I think as far as finances go, maybe the 2 of you can sit down and go over all your stuff together--like if you have credit card bills, now it actually says on the bills how many years it will take to pay them off if you only pay the minimum--is it that you have debts or that you can't pay your current bills? When he sees it all in black & white, then ask for his advice--how does he feel that the finances should be managed?

I do think his attitude toward counseling is very immature--I mean, how are you supposed to convince him that you want to stay in the marriage? Isn't the fact that you asked for marriage counseling proof of that? Otherwise, you could just say forget it & file for divorce. I agree w/ the others that if he won't go, you should go & figure out what is best for you.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:40am


Definately get yourself into counseling, even if your DH won't go with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 12:01pm

If you're anything like me (and you sound like a wonderwoman - we have that in common), you may need to feel like you've done EVERYTHING to try and save the marriage. Maybe make the appointment as a last ditch effort, inform him of when it is, and where, and that you hope he comes. If he doesn't, then you have your answer as to how badly he wants this marriage.

I know that men often change when they've been unemployed (or under employed) for a stretch of time. It sounds like he's acting more like a child than a man, but what you really need is a man - you've already got the child thing covered. ;)

I've noticed, in California's economy, most of my female friends (and myself) are able to maintain one, sometimes 2 jobs (I have 2, plus some random side acting/singing/writing stuff) but men (even well educated ones) can't seem to get hired. It really takes a toll on them. I'm sure you guys have already discussed this, but have you openly sat down, made a list of the day to day household responsibilities and decided who is going to do what?

- TronGal
 (Singer/songwriter/contributing author for