Feeling like 2nd runner up...advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2011
Feeling like 2nd runner up...advice please!
12
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 10:29am

Okay, I hope someone can tell me if I am off my rocker!

Some background: my new (second) husband and I have been friends for over a decade. I was married and he was single when we met (we both had one child at the time who were best friends), and neither of us knew the other felt anything about the other until about two years ago when we were both headed to divorce...he had met and married this horrible woman a few years into our friendship and she turned out to be beyond mentally ill...but, they have a child together, so she is forever in the picture (or at least what the restraining order will allow her to be). Yes, it's that bad with the ex...we've dealt with everything from her trying to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 2:17pm
I am sorry you are feeling like this but what you need to do is give yourself one day to clean up the house.Get rid of all the notes,receipts etc.Burn them, throw in the bin , whatever, just get rid of them.

Next, stop comparing yourself to his ex.

The reason he could be buying from the same shop could be that as a man, he isnt that good at shopping and is sticking to what he knows.He knows those shops well and feels comfortable buying from them.There is nothing to take personally here.

Valentine Issue. Hon, you say that " until about two years ago when we were both headed to divorce..." So , you divorced your spouses and married one another within the last 2 years ? Thats pretty fast. Even if you did, youve just had the last years valentines day. It was still too fresh for him apparently. Even though you have moved on quickly from your divorce, it doesnt seem he has.

You probably havent gotton any time between your divorce and getting married again. Even if you really wanted a divorce, were happy that it was over, one still needs time to get past it before becoming committed again.You moved way too fast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 4:42pm

Sorry but I have to agree w/ your DH---you are being ridiculous. My 2nd DH bought me some really nice jewelry from this small store (not a chain) that has beautiful stuff--like when he got my engagement ring, he picked out the loose stones & had them design the ring to his specifications.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 6:00pm

Mrsg-

Hi. It is a shame that you have too much infomation about his prior relationship right in your face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2011
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 8:57pm

Thank you for all the input. I do know that I am not feeling "jealous", just beyond annoyed that she and all that info is everywhere after all this time. The fact that she has done literally everything you hear on the news, can imagine, or in "far-fetched" crazy dramas to us and our combined 4 kids (including my husband's oldest, whom she beat up numerous times and tried to abduct) doesn't help matters...and all these receipts and anything resembling him ever being nice to such a psychopath makes me feel physically ill. We ARE, thank god,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Mon, 02-07-2011 - 8:39am

To start with,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2011
Mon, 02-07-2011 - 9:13am

MrsDecember...yes, absolutely....it IS that she is so vile.

I know none of us really wants to think of our current SO's with anyone else, it's just weird, but I don't get physically ill thinking about anyone else he's been with...things he may have said or done...just this one. I got to see first hand, as his friend all those years ago, what happened with her, their wedding, and even warned him about what I already thought of her (I thought she was nutso)...but he didn't see it until it was waaaay too late. Now we all pay the price and we are all she focuses on daily, to the Nth degree, it's insane.

I just can't wait to move. She's not even getting our address or phone number at all. We'll see her at the exchanges, which happen at the Police Station, and that's IT.

Thanks again. I know that some of my feelings, like you pointed out about your own, may be "silly" to some (I totally get the "what's up" thing...funny, but SO true)...but these feelings haven't come from nowhere...

Man, good luck ot us ALL...didn't realize there were SO many crazy ex's out there 'til I found this board...

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 02-07-2011 - 12:08pm

Welcome to the board, Mrsg.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 10:33am

You are venting in frustration and that is good, but the tone is not.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2011
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 7:56pm

Thanks again...I take no offense to anything anyone has said...I really, truly wanted some input from unbiased people who don't know me. My mom used to tell me, unbiasedly,

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 11:57am
Just a quick thought. Here is a random example: I do agree that it would be wierd if, lets say, my SO bought me the perfume his xW wore, or something like that. But again, if it was a scent he liked, should we really be surprised?

I still think it can be a catch22. In my case, my SO has never purchased any kind of jewelry for me. Nothing, nada. Early in our R while we were still getting to know eachother, little tid bits came into our conversations regarding an xGF and his xW around the subject of jewelry. Honestly, I think at the time (I don't think he does today) he had a resentment that he spent the money on those items and these women still have them.

So, here I am, not really sure how to percieve the fact he has not purchased any jewerly for me. Chances are good anything he might buy me, would be similar to anything he bought them, because his tastes have not changed. KWIM?

I got to the place of acceptance around that, and I know that if he ever does, it will be because he really wants to, and not because he feels he has to.

Good luck with everything...
Serenity

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