feeling bleak....need to vent (m)
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|Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:20am|
i feel so much resentment. i just don't know what to do with it all. i know that resentment played a big part in my feelings toward my ex-husband. where to even start? my husband is the most driven person i know. he works long hours. his commute to work is 40 minutes minimum and then he puts in a 12+ hour day. so when he gets home, he is tired. i will say, he doesn't complain. he just does what he has to do. but anytime we hit a rocky patch and i try to talk to him about it...i am reminded at how hard he works and how long his day is and how tired he is and how he works like a dog to provide for 2 families, etc. his ex-wife works about 8 hours a week. their kids are 17 and 7 - both in school, so she could very well be working more and paying her own way. he paid off her house when they divorced and she gets a huge amount in child support - and yet, she is content to just sit back and depend on his money for her livlihood. i recognized long ago that there is no point in spending any time and energy over this issue because it is all out of my hands and really nothing i can do about that. i work full time and although i make a fraction of what he makes, i do contribute to our monthly income - plus i virtually take care of everything at home except for the yard work. part of my resentment is because i feel like he does not recognize or appreciate anything i do. he has said that our house is a wreck - which, it is NOT. our house is always neat and tidy. i may fall behind on jobs like cleaning baseboards and light fixtures, but our house is clean. it is NEVER EVER cluttered. everything is always put away. the only junk laying around is stuff that he leaves out. so i resent that he says anything about the house because he does nothing to contribute to it and by anyones standards, it is clean. my kids are good kids - they are both extremely bright - top award winners in their classes. my oldest (12) is a hard worker around the house and is always willing to help out with weekend projects (which are NEVER ENDING i might add). i will admit that my youngest (9) is totally lazy and will do anything to get out of any kind of work. but he is so hard on them. he accuses me of babying them - and i don't think i do. so anytime there is a conflict in that area, he will just laugh and say...well, we have two different ideas on how to treat them so there is no sense even discussing it. so i have all this resentment built up about how he treats them. he provides anything they want/need without complaint, but he shows them almost no affection and many times the only verbal contact they have with him is negative - him telling them how they should be outside helping out more or him criticizing their work when they are outside working! i told him about a week ago that we all hated him when the weekends rolled around because of the way he treats us when we are all out working like dogs right beside him. i have finally realized that in his opinion, no one works harder or as efficiently as he does - so we're all just losers in comparison.
man, i am just getting stressed and hopeless feeling just reading this.
i have considered getting some counseling for myself. i am not sure how effective that would be. i have no idea how he feels about counseling in general, but i do know his reaction if i were to bring it up - he doesn't have time because he is working so hard. so what is the point in me going?
the resentment carries over into our bedroom. i view sex totally different than him - he thinks that sex is what brings us together. so if we have been apart physically (because he has been gone traveling for work) or apart emotionally because of some conflict between us, then sex will bring us together and make us stronger. i view sex as sharing or giving....and therefore if we are apart for whatever reason, the last thing i want is to give myself to him. so this is beginning to crop up A LOT in our sex life.
well, i am sure i have not accomplished a thing....except make myself even more aware of how screwed up everything is....