feels like my personality has changed ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
feels like my personality has changed ..
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:19pm

You know ... I've been through some big changes in my life. Changed jobs a lot - moved around a lot ... and some of those changes have felt pretty BIG - life-changing BIG.

But ... I feel like - since I've gotten divorced ... I have changed so deeply and so profoundly ... it's almost like I'm not ME anymore :-( I used to be so passionate and ... almost kind of spazzy. Always had ideas in my head of fun and exciting things to do. Always trying new things. I was SO adventurous. So CURIOUS! I wanted to TRAVEL and see the world!!! I wanted to climb mountains and run marathons ...

... I think a part of it may have been dissatisfaction. Seeking and striving.

And now ... it's like I just want to be safe. I want to belong somewhere. I used to put SO MUCH into my friendships - always going out to lunch, making time for my friends. Now ... I don't want to put in the effort. I don't even really care what other people are doing. I just want to do my own thing.

I feel a little bit shut down. Maybe tired. Maybe distrustful.

I was always so ambitious at work, trying to be noticed and recognized. Now I just want to go in, do a good job, head-down - and come home.

It's not like I'm depressed ... I'm not. It's just that I feel very deeply CHANGED. I moved to a new town after my divorce, and I haven't made much of an effort at all to make new friends. This is NOT LIKE ME! I've always been the person with lots and LOTS of friends. Always doing something on a Friday night.

I don't really feel sad about this - I guess I really just don't care.

Did any of you have a deep personality change after your divorce? I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Not all of the changes are bad ... it's just striking to me - who I used to be - compared to who I am now. It's like I went from extrovert to introvert.

I was divorced over a year ago. I used to be a "risk-taker" not afraid of making a goof of myself, always trying something new - now I go for the sure-thing.

I used to be ... almost defiant ... kind of opinionated and a little sassy - now I'm quiet and almost submissive. Not wanting to make waves. Things that used to get me so excited and interested ... I don't even care about anymore.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Some of it has been good - but I just feel like things are so different now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 8:55am

I have been through many, many changes.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:33am

I'm not really sure that you aren't depressed. Just from reading these things:

" I used to put SO MUCH into my friendships - always going out to lunch, making time for my friends. Now ... I don't want to put in the effort. I don't even really care what other people are doing. I just want to do my own thing."

"I feel a little bit shut down. Maybe tired. Maybe distrustful."

"Things that used to get me so excited and interested ... I don't even care about anymore."--right there, that's one of the symptoms of depression, not caring about things that used to interest you.

Now I do think that as we get older, sometimes we do calm down and don't want to take risks as much, but when you say that you don't want to make friends and don't want to do much of anything, why not? Did you get any therapy after the divorce? After my 1st div, which I didn't want, I was depressed for quite a while--I probably should have gotten therapy, but I didn't. I just kind of stuck it out. It probably went on for a couple of years. I remember at that time, I was teaching a night class and there I was trying to do a presentation and push the thoughts out of my mind that "I can't believe I'm getting divorced." I also had 7 & 1 yr old children so w/ work & the kids, it was an effort just to do everything I had to do. And I was pretty resentful that my ex had a lot more freedom to go out & find someone new. He did see the kids a lot, but it was like he'd come over on a Sat. for a few hours so I could go out, but it was more like go to the mall or see a movie. He didn't really have a place to take them overnight. It was only when he met his 2nd DW and started spending time at her place that he was taking the kids there on weekends. By that time, which was maybe 2 yrs after the divorce, I was ready for a new social life and I actively started looking for dates (OLD), joined clubs and made an effort to do things. So I would say that I was changed in one way because it was a shock to met to get divorced but I did get over it. Then I married a totally wrong person, but that's another long story. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 1:20pm

Also something to chew on. Are you afraid of being disappointed? Of getting hurt? Of having expectations?

I know for myself after my divorce, I noticed that I didn't want to do anything risky. I wanted the sure thing. But I also felt a bit dead. Like nothing really matters anymore. I don't mean that in the way of saying I could careless about everything, but more like I don't care what other people thing.

I also noticed I didn't want to have expectations because I was tired of being disappointed. I also saw that my friends were hurting me more than they were helping me. I started to drop lifetime friends because they drained me. I also stopped making new friends because they just weren't what I wanted at the time. I wanted more of a guarantee than risk.

Not sure if this is how you're feeling, but it's how I felt. I also know now that I was and still am to a point experiencing depression. I feel like a shell of myself. Nothing is really real. And the days just pass me by. And then there are times I see my old self and I remember what it was like. And I am trying to be that person again. :) It's just taking some time to find me again. A more healthy, balanced me.


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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 2:58pm

Hard to pinpoint one thing.