Finding it hard to create a real partnership in second marriage
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|Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:49am|
I have been married for 10 years. This is a second marriage for both of us, and I'm having a very difficult time because it seems my husband does not want a partnership. He makes all decisions without discussion, and these run from trivial to huge decisions. He keeps important financial information to himself, and it is as though we are married but don't actually have a marriage. We have each two daughters from our previous marriages who are all grown and independent. We will have plans together, and one of his girls will call and he'll change our plans without giving me the courtesy of a conversation about it first. I feel disrespected as a result. I'm just looking for him to come to me and say, " hey, this is what's going on. I'd like to ------ . What do you think?" I'm not suggesting I make all the decisions, just that I'm considered in the situation and I have the opportunity to express my feelings or thoughts on the matter. My husband also makes 5 times what I do, and he keeps all of the money. I make a small salary as a teacher at a little private school, and 100% gets spent on food and bills. There is nothing left. He has thousands left after bills, and keeps it all. I have asked for a household budget so I can do normal womanly things like buy new sheets or a new candle, paint a room etc. Once, when I left my job to stay home and care for his (our) new grandson, I asked for a fifty dollar a week allowance. He said if he gave me an allowance, I'd definitely spend it, but if had to ask for it I might or I might not spend it. What?! He only gave me money for gas and groceries. He said I was being paid very well for what I was doing (referring to all the bills being paid). Our financial relationship is as though he is my father rather than my husband. I know he was very burned financially by his ex, but I do not spend a lot, nor did I ever burn my ex or him for that matter. I've done nothing to deserve this kind of attitude. If his daughters or our grandchildren need something, he is thrilled hot give it to them, but for some reason, he is very controlling with me. Nice to everyone else, but saves his worst for me. It's not like I'm asking for things all the time. I think my requests are minimal. I am never able to do anything financially for kids adult children, because I have nothing. I'm working on some things with school so that I can make more money. I don't think the way he treats me is right. At first I thought it was because of his ex and he'd see I wasn't like her and ease up. Now I have no hope of that. Ther is no partnership, and I feel alone even when he's home. He won't go for counseling because he went with his first wife and says it costs too much, takes too long, and usually doesn't work. Basically, that means I can take what I have got or leave it. We dated for three years prior to marriage. Never fought and he was so sweet and generous with me the whole time. I fell in love with him because he always treated me like a lady and made me feel wanted and special. There is that side of him sometimes now too, but no matter what we do, it is always him who decided to do or buy orgo.I miss the days when he cared how I felt. I feel like I'm paying for his ex's sins. Having never argued before we were married, I had no idea how nasty he was when angry either. if I could go back, I know I would not marry this man. I take marriage very seriously, though, and now that this commitment has been made, I want to keep it. In spite of everything, it's not always bad and I am in love with my husband. This means I change what I can for myself and we continue struggling until something changes. I can only change myself. If he's not interested in having a good relationship, I can't make him interested. Sorry for all the typos. This forum doesn't like my system.