First In Laws Compared to Second or Subsequent In Laws

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
First In Laws Compared to Second or Subsequent In Laws
15
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 4:21pm

How many of you second, third or more remarried ladies had a better relationship with your original in laws than your subsequent or current

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
I was never close to my first MIL. She was a racist pig and disgusted me.

My future MIL is very awesome and loves me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
With mine I should've known everything I needed to know immediately, since she was the only mother of any man I'd ever dated that I didn't really get along with/care for...I think a lot has to do with whether they believe "you are good enough" for their sons...ex mil thought I should be kissing the ground her son walked on like she did and when I didn't it wasn't good...current situation is great b/c she so couldn't stand ex and totally knew she was wrong for my SO...I believe she feels I am very good for her son, thereby making her relationship with me much like she would her own daughter...in fact, I think I may be closer with her than her own daughter...(daughter remains BFF with ex) and mil doesn't appreciate that either...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

The "longer history" thing rung a bell with me since I was married to the ex for 24 years and we had 4 children together and obviously a very long history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007

I can certainly understand having a history with your former in laws and I do understand that just because husband and wife divorced that the extended families don't have to divorce but your post tugged and my heart and to be honest stung a bit. I know, I asked the question and I do

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Great topic!

Generally speaking, I was

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007

I can certainly understand, believe me, and appreciate family members retaining a close relationship with an ex daughter/son in law or brother and sister in law. Again, just because a man and woman divorce, the extended family does not have to divorce them. That said I wish more families would be more sensitive and more empathetic to new spouses. Especially those of us who never caused a divorce, were no where near either party at the time of divorce and who happened to fall in love with a divorced man or woman. I wish more people would put themselves in other people's shoes. Someone from a nuclear family that likes to tell divorced and remarried people how they should act and feel are missing the boat. Don't judge people unless you have been in their shoes. Think before you speak. Have empathy. Be fair. Use compassion. Be logical. And for crying out loud if you can't say something nice keep your mouth shut. No one likes to be scrutinized and compared to someone else. It's not right and not fair. Wonder how they would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Oh I just adored my former MIL, SIL, BIL but I don't like you? Bet they would not like that at all. Being in a blended family is hard enough. Dealing with exes and steps and trying to all get along and make it work can be very taxing. Families who care and love their children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews should make it a point to give support to the blended family and not compare it to the nuclear family. Everyone has been torn apart once, why cause issues that may tear the new family apart ? It's totally ok to have thoughts and feelings about prefering someone over another. Voicing those so you hurt other people, however

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
D, that is why I am oddly grateful I will never have in-laws with SO. Him and his xW were together over 20 years. I was nervous going to SO's brothers graveside services, as I had never met any of his family. Wasn't sure what they thought of me. SO's xW is a very likeable person, and I think there is was/still some contact there. Luckily it went well.

So D, I have never had to experience what you are describing. I mean, there has never been an xW to compare me to in a family setting like you describe. Lord knows what was said between people that I will never know about, but I have never had it thrown in my face.

In my case, it would be my SO that could better empathize with you.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Hi DP--
Dont you have the current in laws who always criticize your hair? (How RUDE!)----point is----hah---in that case, doesnt really matter if first or second, etc----who wants to go to ANYONE'S house who acts like that?

I also find it HUGELY disrespectful that the family (any family)---even though they might personaly LOVE the exW---acts negatively towards the new wife----when the new wife (or husband) IS THE CHOSEN S.O. of their loved one/family member.....KWIM?

So, yes......:
It's totally ok to have thoughts and feelings about prefering someone over another. Voicing those so you hurt other people, however is wrong.

..I agree (who wouldnt?) :0)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007

Oh yeah! The same in laws that think the ex walks on water are the same ones that

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

I am sorry you feel compared to your dh's first wife.

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