forgiveness after divorce, hard to be happy in new marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2013
forgiveness after divorce, hard to be happy in new marriage
9
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 1:00pm

I left a fifteen year marriage after being diagnosed with lupus. I reevaluated my life and happiness and spoke to husband fully before leaving. We were on the same page, we were just friends and roommates. I reunited with first live and now am married to him. I couldn't take kids with me when I left due to finances. Then husband now lost his job and I we were homeless for a while and I haven't seen my kids in three years after being full time wife and mom. I'm back on track and will be flying my kids here this summer but things are so strained between ex and I now, I'm hated by him and his new love. They don't try to hide it. I'm guilt riddled about leaving, and I feel like the only woman in the history of women to have ever left and not had money to take kids. I squash any smiles or joys today because I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm exhausted. I'm now obsessed with my flaws and faults and wrongdoings. To top it off, my ex holds nonpayment of child support over me as a threat so I don't stand up to him. I never worked during marriage, I was a homemaker and can't work now due to illness. He knows that, I w diagnosed before leaving. I'm scared of that or jail even, he knows I fear that. I'm drowning in guilt and fear and faults. Please help. I don't know where to start to forgive me or to move forward. Or to find joy again. Thank you in advance, and I can take honesty.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Welcome to the board.  Sorry to hear it is under such distress.

Unfortunately I am at work, so I only have time for a quick welcome and to tell you that you are not alone.  I will post more when I can and I am sure others will reply as well.

((((Hugs)))))

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2013

Thank you for responding, and for your kindness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

First you are definitely not the first women to decide to give the DH custody of the kids due to finances--it doesn't mean that you don't love your kids--you were trying to do the best for them, right?  Deciding not to be happy today is not going to help your kids in any way.  How old are your kids?  Could you/did you explain the situation to them, that you had no money to be able to see them?  

Do you have a court order for child support?  Have you consulted a lawyer?  Are you trying to pay back the arrears?  You need to have a plan to figure out that situation.  If you can't work now, are you on Social Security disability?  If so, then your children are entitled to their own checks directly from SS and most of the time, that would let you off the child support hook.  Also if there is a court order, you might need to get it modified if you have recently become unable to work.  Ignoring the problem of unpaid child support will not make it go away--it will only make it worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2013

The timeline goes like this.  I left and the kids were supposed to come up right behind me, maybe a month afterward. Ex was ok with that, he agreed and said while he had the kids for me to get set up and he would help get them to me even. But finances didn't go as planned and then husband now lost job so of course those plans were suddenly forced to be put on hold. Then ex went ahead and filed for suborder, I wasn't present because I was out of state. The only papers I've seen were the ones I was served before any court dates, I've not seen any final documents. I'm going by what he has told me only. Forward to getting evicted, being homeless for short time, husband now finding work and us starting over from scratch. My kids are twelve and fifteen now, they were nine and twelve when I left. They've known everything step by step the past three years, they have been very kind and understanding until recently my youngest is getting close with her soon to be step mom and suddenly is harsh toward me and confrontational/disrespectful with me. I haven't had nor can I afford a lawyer, and I haven't applied for disability yet but keep getting told I should. I haven't been able to send a dime except for sometimes I offer what little I can and ex laughs and says it won't help and that he doesn't need my help. I feel like a double edged sword is hanging over my head. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2013

Divorce* not suborder. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002

Hi Hotmess and welcome!

First of all, regarding 12 yo's more recent attitude---I'd attribute alot of that to entering-teenage-years hormones, so dont kick yourself too much on that one.

Since they are both in or entering teenage years, and based on what you've posted dad's home is (currently) more stable and kids are fairly well settled there, you probably want to re-evaluate your goals, in that it would probably be a huge fight to get kids uprooted and with you full time, but you can DEFINITELY set your sights on developing a closer relationship with them.

First of all, I would every avenue of technology available to you to make/keep in contact with them, even though miles apart (eg, phone, text, skype, etc).  Even if you never live with them during teenaged years---you've got THE REST OF YOUR LIFE to be in relationship with them----so, do all you can to keep in contact and  to be a positive/supportive influence on them now, and know this will keep on into adulthood.

Secondly, musiclover makes good points re: child support---then I'm thinking you need to file to have it re-calculated.  Regarding the disability---pretty well any/everyone who files for disability isnt able to work (that's why they're filing, right?) so there has to be some way for you to file at low cost.  I know people hire lawyers to get it pushed through faster, but even if you dont go that route, I would think the fact that you've applied would be useful when asking for CS recalculated based on your income.

Thirdly--(and, this really should be #1 on the list)----you need to focus on getting things straighter with yourself---eg, first of all you're feeling alot of guilt/blame/whatever, and it's currently only impeding you from positively moving forward. (Serenity had a good point re: not feeling guilty, as you left your kids because you wanted more stable environment for them).  Secondly, if you're somewhat depressed (which is probably where those emotions are taking you) it's hard to move positively forward with your life.  For example, even though you may not be able to do what you've done in the past for income (stay at home mom and what before that?) there are SOME things you can still do---even if you dont earn income from them right now, even volunteering some might get you feeling better about yourself and start opening some doors.  

Where does your current husband fit in all of this?  Now that he has some employment, hopefully you can find something to earn a little also (do you do crafts you can sell on etsy?) to feel as though you are contributing also.

I have to run for now---but just want to add BEST WISHES---and keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well the first step is finding out what the court papers really say and not going by what your ex tells you.  I don't know if I'd trust him right now.  If the court is too far away, call the courthouse & ask if they have a volunteer lawyer there (our family courts have voluneer lawyers there a lot).  If not, ask the court clerk how you can get a copy of your divorce papers.  If you do not need a certified copy (and you don't), then it will probably only cost only about $1 per page, plus maybe postage.  Then at least you will know where you stand.

You also can't receive SS benefits unless you apply.  go to socialsecurity.gov to read up on the information.  the application process is online and you should not need a lawyer to fill it out.  If you are denied benefits, then you might need a lawyer then, but you could consult a legal aid society where you live (depends on your DH's income).  You have to get a doctor's note to verify tha you are unable to do any kind of work due to your illness.  Things seem overwhelming but if you cut things into small pieces, it's not as bad.  Instead of thinking how am I going to get benefits, then for today, just make your goal to be looking at the SS website, or going to the local office.  Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2013

I am so grateful for your responses. I live in middle of nowhere, sixty miles from any town in any direction. I should have come here months ago, before my brain obsessed to this point of near explosion. Well and I think my fear of others judging my choices and my circumstances surely made me keep it inside.  

I do think I really need to get myself back together. I used to be silly, laugh a lot, I was a quick thinker, I attacked problems and didn't stop until resolution. Now I'm exhausted, sad, foggy headed, insecure, moody, constantly doubting myself. 

How sick is it that in my head,  because I left I don't deserve happiness and freedom and joy? Is that something I made up or is it society? 

Husband now tells me over and over and over to not let ex get inside my head. He says my kids are acting out now due to age and it's not about me because things were great about a year ago. He actually tells me to be firm with them and not let my youngest talk to me that way now since I never allowed it before. I feel lost in my parenting and unsure of what to say even anymore. Distance makes it difficult. Plus youngest is choosing to open up to soon to be step mom instead of me now and that's a little hard to swallow. I remind myself to be thankful she's a nice woman and not an abuser or something but dang that's a hard one. Sorry I'm rambling... So yes husband now is supportive and listens and tries to push me toward being assertive and happy and peaceful. 

There is so much to think and worry about and I think that's my problem.... I think and worry think and worry think and worry. I need a break from my own head. 

Ok so #1 get myself together. #2 look at court papers #3 look into disability. Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002

Yes,---break into small pieces............... and these things can overlap some, also---

eg, #2--

step A--find out phone number for courthouse (online probably easiest)

step B--call courthouse and ask how to get copy sent to you.

step C--follow info given to you in step B

(that seems pretty painless..lol..)

But I'm thinking overlap possibly with #1 and #3--if you ll need MD letter for #3, would be a good time to discuss depression and see if some help available medically through meds and/or counseling services MD could refer you to.

RE:

before my brain obsessed to this point of near explosion. Well and I think my fear of others judging my choices and my circumstances surely made me keep it inside. 

Yes.....we can be our own worst critics..............((((((((HUGS!!)))))))))

Your DH does sound very supportive---so that's a good thing.  Make a list each day of all the good things you can think of.

Good luck and keep us posted!