Gave everything to EX......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Gave everything to EX......
4
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 12:23pm
I am so confused.... My BF and I been together for 8mths but have known each other for 10 yrs (we knew each other when we were married to others and both couples were friends). He is sweet, caring and has shown me how to be a better and more confident person. for this I love him. He says I am the the love of his life, his soulmate. They divorced 2year ago,after 8 yrs marriage (no kids & she has a good job) but he GAVE her the equity in the house, new car,all furniture and he walked away with their credit card debt which he is still paying off. At times I am resentful of all she got, (yes I knew her too, she's nasty!)as our lives seem to be on hold. He's financial at 41 in the hole.he expects me to be financially independant but yet I make way less than she does. I have always lived within my means and have a home and 401K. I cannot figure out why someone would do this? I know he wants to keep everything nice and even when she is bad mouthing both of us or being ignorant to him, he always talks nice to her (usually a 2 hr phone call or a 2 hr visit)so they can call a truce, and phones her if friends of both of theirs is in trouble to talk about it. Will I ever be able to understand him, why can't he let her go, why do they have to be friends, why does a man give away everything???? I care for him deeply but I feel at times this relationship will end....our future is so far away
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 1:14am
I can totally understand where you are coming from - but on a different level. My husband gave everything to his ex too - the furniture, personal belongings, etc. We got two bowls and an old wooden ladder. Anyway, after all that, he still feels that even though he is laid off, if worse came to worse, he would pay her mortgage over ours. He keeps saying it's because his kids' (who are young adults-one in college)lifestyles are at stake - I see it as more that he would make sure she is taken care of over me and my children. I have also paid my dues. My ex is an ass - he helps 0 amount. I work hard - and over the course of our marriage, have come to make MORE than she does - even though that wasn't the case when we first started dating. He used to say that he wished I made more so that he and I could have the same lifestyle he was used to, but now that I do, he uses that against me saying that his ex makes less, so her household should come first. I am all for a man taking responsibility for his kids - don't get me wrong - but I am getting to the point where it is a double edged sword. Now that he is laid off, it is becoming an issue - I can see the day where he expects me to pay his child support AND our own mortgage. Note that she bought him out of their house to him so we could buy our own home. I am grateful for the new start, but his attitude is starting to become a problem - he feels that he owes our new start to her, and is willing to sacrifice US (and my kids who are also young adults) for that loyalty. He pays her mortgage for the next 2 years and has for the past year. I pay 100% for ours. I would not ever ask to reduce her payment, but the idea that he would pay her over helping us (and my children) in a truly tight spot is too much to bear. Why are our needs and my children's less important than his other obligations? Shouldn't they hold equal weight? I thought we were all family. Hurts a lot and I can't get over it.

In my opinion, you should NOT give in at this point - he Should be helping you two get a good start - that's his MINIMUM job as a spouse, and if he is not willing to help you, then he must not love you if it's even before marriage. Or maybe he is just a weak man and using you. I am starting to think that's my own situation. He is willing to take her bad mouthing because he seems to respect her more - he would never allow you to talk that way. Where are you on his "Important Person" list?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 10:45am
I am having great difficulty understanding why a divorced couple with no kids has a two hour conversation. I speak to my ex about NOTHING other than the children, and quite frankly, don't even like doing that. I am always envious of people who can go through a divorce without kids, because to me, kids are the only tie that binds. If there are no kids, the divorce should completely cut the ties. I would seriously wonder about a man who spends that much time trying to make his ex-wife feel better.

I just don't feel good about this guy based on what you have said here. What is good about your relationship that would outweigh his contact with his ex? I know when we get upset we tend to share only the bad, so I am getting an unfair view of him, so I am being very serious when I ask you to share what is good so that I can try to offer more objective advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 10:39am
There are no kids, the divorce is settled.... what are they talking about????? Quite honestly I would question the emotional attachment of your BF to his ex. Personally, I would consider sitting him down and telling him that if he contiues the "relationship" with his ex then you're out of there. Either he still has strong feelings for her or his eight year habit is hard to break.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:49am
Thanks for all your advice! I am still in this relationship, but I have planned for my OWN future. I think that a job transfer is what I want to take a time out from all this, put it into perspective. The long phone calls have stopped and there has been no more visiting with the ex. However they do work together occasionally, this is why he feels he has to keep things amicable. he is the type of guy who is extremely sensitive and loves to talk, and wants everyone to get along. I think I still have issues about why someone gives away, EVERYTHING. I'm all for fair in a divorce and that usually means 50-50! I guess I'm wonder if this issue will ever go away for me, or will I always feel resentful?? In the back of my mind

there is always the thought that this might end.........but yet he is without a doubt a guy who makes me feel things like no one else. Being grownup is so much fun!!!!