Getting closer...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Getting closer...
53
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 2:03pm

So I've been living with my SO and his kids, who he has joint custody of, for a year.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 3:24pm

Well sounds like living together gives you great experience and insight on what it will be for about the next 6 years or so (depending whether the kids will stay in the house after high school)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 3:25pm

I do also think it would bother me to see children who are that old not doing anything and daddy catering to them, so you have to ask yourself, if it doesn't affect you that much--i.e. now that you refuse to clean up after them, and he does it, can you live w/ this even though it violates your principles, because it's not your problem any more.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 6:49pm

Hi DD, good to see you back again.

As far as the texting thing, I do remember that.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 9:07pm
Hi DDRS--

I think dad cleaning up is a variation on "disney dad'---he doesnt want to be the heavy, because he doesnt want the kids to not want to visit.

I say let him continue. Perhaps occasionally point out the obvious, in a non judgemental way---but this isnt a battle worth fighting, IMO.

Perhaps with the kids----and occasional light remark re: a few "house rules" ---like, "hey, over here, we cut our fingernails over the trashcan, not the sink." Hopefully you'll catch them starting next time, and quickly hand them the trashcan and go on about your day without another care.... :)

As for the play date texter----I wrote a post on that the other day-----I think you need to be inviting her and her husband/family to your place for BBQ/whatever----just be relentless in setting yourself as BFF with her in getting those boys together......
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Wed, 09-21-2011 - 4:16pm

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd write to give you an update on my situation.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 4:45pm
Hi dd, I just realized this was a bump from an earlier post.

Refresh our memory a little bit for those who don't re-read the entire thread.

Am I correct that his D is now FINAL? The plan was to get M after his D was final and until then you live together but sleep in different beds when the kids are there?

The issue has been his lack of affection, and spending every waking minute with the kids when they are there? And now that the D is final, you are tapping your foot waiting, ready to live as a loving couple in front of the kids?

Well, my details were different with SO, but what I have found is that staying at status quo for long enough will eventually lead to some form of clarity. It is important that you communicate with SO, so you are not just hitting him upside the head one day, thinking he was supposed to read you mind.

In my case, in the fall of 2007 we talked and I made my stand clear. He said things were going happen, and I said "OK." So status quo continued until the next February of 2008 and I litterally just woke up one day and was tired of waiting for change. I said "you told me ______ in November and it hasn't happened, and unless it is going to happen immediately, I can't do this any longer. " Well, not to spook you, but he then moved out.

Clearly we got back together, but unfortunately if it is working for one person, and the other just goes along with it, there is no reason for the other to make any changes.

Point being, if it is working for your SO, why would he change anything? Only you know where your personal limit is, and it is different for everyone. But honestly, when get involved with a person who is not D, this is the kind of stuff that happens.

It took SO a good two years to heal from his D. Just now at 3 years out have either of us even considered marriage as a possibility. There are exceptions to this, but they are just that, exceptions. Rarely is waiting for a D to be final to get M a good idea.

You might be the exeption, dd, but we are going to give suggestions assuming you are not.

I hope you stick around and let us know how things go. (((hugs)))

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 1:05pm

Hey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 1:56pm

I'm not any expert on any of this at all, but here is my 2 cents :)

First, my background: My divorce is final, SO's is not, We don't live together and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 4:01pm

Thanks for the 2 cents :)

You're right, talking about it will not ruin anything...one way or the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 4:46pm
I would have to say that takes care of any "good" example" lol...in fact in my situation in the beginning I felt the same about not sleeping in same bed...I just felt awkward...so since SOs youngest was so young and has always had sleeping issues, I would have him start out with him to get him to sleep and usually he would come back a few hours later...since SO is always up before I am anyway it was really "seen" for awhile...however, what totally changed my mind or it had been so long I just didn't care was when we found out SOs ex was sleeping with her SO "in front of the kids"...in my mind she kind of "broke the ice" for all of those types of things...I think his argument of a good example is kind of moot b/c of what they are being exposed to with her...and another baby too? It may be time for him to reevaluate his position on that one....

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